Tick, Tick, Tick

The end of 2008 is upon us. Isn’t it fascinating how, as you get older; the years just seem to be something you step over. It seems the steps get smaller and smaller the more you climb. I often wonder how we don’t trip and fall down those steps, if you know what I mean.

I was thinking about my youngest daughter, who’s now 18, and how long the years must seem to her. Take it a step further and think of my almost five-month-old granddaughter. Each minute must seem like years to her. Of course she has no concept of time. I’ll be 48 next month and there are many times when I wish time would slow down considerably. There are also more times, like today, that I can literally feel it just slipping away.

I’m not saying that’s either a good or a bad thing. I’m also not saying that today was an exceptionally bad day. It’s just a normal day off. I woke up, made some coffee and sat in front of the television and watched a bunch of movies. Nothing wrong with that but the next thing I know, it’s dark out and it’s 8:00 pm. See what I mean? The day just flew right by.

I could have and should have spent the day doing any number of things. Laundry, clean up the house, visit friends or relatives. I, on the other hand, felt it more appropriate to sit in the lounge chair and watch movies. I could have even gone to the damn theater but when I looked at the times it was already too late to go to the showing I wanted. The time just slid right by.

I could easily have fallen into the trap of feeling all down about it. Thinking that I’ve wasted my life and all that other stuff I would expect myself to think but I didn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten down on myself for being this amazing underachiever that I am. Again, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.

I’m ok with it. By calling myself an underachiever I’m not saying I’m this horrible person or anything like that or that my life is a failure, because I’m not and more importantly, it’s not. Yes I could have done any number of more productive things. Just as I could have been doing many more productive things throughout my life. The point is, I think, that as long as I’m not hurting anyone or myself and I’m a somewhat productive member of society, then it’s ok. The world needs people that aren’t reaching their “potential”. How else would the world of psychiatry survive?

Now, I know that there are many much more successful people than I that feel they themselves are underachievers, I’m sure they work very hard to do their best and all that. That’s cool; the world needs those kinds of folks too. I’m just not that interested in going after the “ring”. That, of course is easy to say right now.

There just may come a day when something sparks me. Something that gets my juices flowing like nothing ever has. That’d most certainly be intriguing. I’m sure I’d really get into it. It hasn’t hit yet and I’m not sure what to look for if I wanted to be proactive about it. Therefore, I’ll just sit in my chair and see another movie and watch as time whips on by and begins, in the words of the band War, slippin into darkness.

An Old Age Holiday Message

I woke this morning around 6:00 and went to my window to check out how much snow had fallen over night. As I reached into the blinds to get a little separation between the slats I noticed that the two smaller fingers on my left hand were having a hard time moving. It’s as if they’re sprained or something. Then a thought occurred to me. I’ll be 48 in a month, not getting any younger. Odds are this is arthritis.

Wow, if correct, that kind of sucks. Well, not really. I think the most exercise I get besides work is using my fingers to open the shade that made me realize my fingers hurt in the first place. I’ve had bad knees for ages, had surgery on one and that hurts every once in awhile. This, on the other hand, is different. I remember my grandmother complaining about arthritis when I was a kid and I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I’d ask her about it and she always just said, “This stuff happens when you get old”.

I don’t know if I’ve ever cared about getting old before. I guess I always just thought that I’d be this social retard that I am forever. It’s always worked in the past to help me feel like I wasn’t getting any older. It’s just recently that I’m learning that the physical side of me really doesn’t care what the mental side’s plans are.

I took an Aleve and my fingers loosened up after a short while. Better living through chemistry and all. I can see how much easier it will be for me if this really was a case of arthritis, than it was for those generations before me. One simple tablet and I’m good to go whereas my grandparents would suffer daily. Sounds cold, but thems the breaks. I’m sure our kids are going to have it a lot easier too.

In reality, odds are great that this was simply a case of my bending my fingers in an odd way while sleeping but if that was the case, and I realized it, then I’d have had nothing to write about. And isn’t that my sole purpose in being here? ☺

Anyway, it’s Christmas week and those long time readers know how low I get during this time of year. I know I can become quite the grinch. I don’t mean it but I’m one of those folks that consistently bog my head down with low self-esteem feelings, especially this time of year. I will, however, admit to having a number of things that I’m happy about this year.

First and foremost, I became a grandfather this year. Jena was born in August and, though I still haven’t been able to get out to California to see her, I get regular updates on her growth and she’s doing fine. I’m happy that my kids are all healthy. Yes, they’ve each had their challenges throughout the year but they’re doing fine. My parents, brothers and sister are all plugging along and that’s a good thing too.

Lastly, I need to say how nice it’s been getting in touch again with all my new/old friends from high school via Facebook. I had no idea how much I missed you all and can never express my gratitude to you all for accepting me “back” into the fold. You will never understand how much this rediscovering has meant to me and I will forever be thankful to all of you.

So, happy holidays everybody. Be nice to each other and take care of yourselves.

A Little Island Adventure

About 10 years ago I went on a cruise with my father. It was a free trip for both of us and being that Carnival Cruise lines wanted to impress Dad, we each had our own Penthouse suite. It was really cool. We each had our own Jacuzzi, sound system and all kinds of cool amenities.

It was a Southern Caribbean cruise and we visited five different islands. The Dominican Republic, Guadeloupe, St. Lucia, St. Thomas and Grenada. As Dad isn’t one to really do anything active, he rarely left the ship. I made sure I got off at each port and did some exploring. When we stopped in Grenada I decided to do some snorkeling.

I paid some guy five bucks to take me to a beach where I could get in some good underwater sightseeing. He took me to his little boat and off we went. We arrived at a beautiful white sand beach and he dropped me off. As I was getting my gear on I noticed there was nobody else around. I had a choice, I could go out into the sea by myself or wait for the boat to come back and find a place with a few more people on it. Being the genius I am, I stayed and went snorkeling.

Once I started walking into the water I started getting a little apprehensive. I mean, here I was, thousands of miles from home, alone and as I looked out into the sea I could see our ship anchored what seemed like light years away. I put my mask and snorkel on and started checking out the sights. About 15 minutes into it I felt something brush against my foot and it scared the hell out of me. I popped up out of the water and looked around and saw a big piece of seaweed and was able to catch my breath.

It was at this point that I realized what a moron I was to be out there by myself and decided I’d had enough. I went up on the beach and went over to the dock and just sat. I saw a boat heading towards me from the distance and saw that it wasn’t the same one I had taken originally. There were four people on the boat and two were obviously islanders and the others, tourists. As the boat approached I asked if they could take me back to the port and was told there would be a cost of five bucks. I readily agreed, the tourists got out of the boat and I hopped in.

Once on the “Ninja” (I don’t know why I remember the name) I introduced myself to Stan and Bob. We started talking about life on the island and were, at least I think, enjoying each other’s company. We told each other about our families and the things we did for fun and just literally shooting the shit. I was having a really good time and the idiotic experience I had just lived through was but a memory.

About 10 minutes into the trip back I noticed what I thought was a buoy out in the distance. I mentioned to my new friends how odd it seemed to see one way out where we were. They both agreed and we started heading out towards it. As we got closer we say that it wasn’t a buoy at all. It was a person. Bob revved up the engine and we were flying towards what we thought was a swimmer in trouble.

As we approached we could hear, what turned out to be a woman, yelling something but we were too far away to hear her. We all thought that she was in big trouble. We were so far from the shore that we could barely make it out in the distance. As we approached, Stan grabbed a lifejacket and tied a rope to it while yelling out to see if she was ok. She was still yelling back at us and as we approached we could finally make out what she was saying.

“Have you seen my beach ball”? We all three looked at each other as if to check that we heard what we thought we heard and looked back at the woman. By this time we could see that she wasn’t in any distress at all. The closer we got, we could see how big she was. She was huge. We told her to swim over to us and hop in and we’d take her back to wherever she came from. She said, very politely and in an outstanding island accent, “No thanks, I need to find my beach ball”. Again, we found this strange but told her we’d help her.

It took all three of us to pull her in and once we got settled she told us that she had been on the beach with her kids when one came to her and said the beach ball was gone in the water. We must have looked for about 10 minutes before we saw the prized possession in the distance. We caught up to it and brought it to safety. At this point we were way off shore and started back to the beach she needed to get back to.

On the way back we pretty much just let her talk. She told us that the distance she swam was no big deal and that she could have stayed out much longer to find her beach ball. The whole thing fascinated me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, here was this woman out in, literally the middle of the ocean, with no boat or life jacket and her whole reason was to get a stupid beach ball. I mean, c’mon, if I was that far out in the water I know there is no way I could find my way back to safety.

Anyway, I couldn’t get over how important this beach ball was to her. I started thinking about how cheap beach balls were and thought about how poor this person must be. I started feeling sorry for her and others on the island and started feeling kind of down. Here was this woman risking her life for something that I not only take for granted but wouldn’t think twice about buying another if it was in the basement and I was heading out the door. She, on the other hand thought nothing of it. Like this was an obvious choice when the kids said the toy was in the water.

It took us about 10 minutes to get her to her beach, think about how long that would take to swim, and as we approached the shore we saw that there was a man standing right at the edge of the water. He had his hand up above his eyes shielding the sun as if he were looking for something. As we got closer the woman recognized that the man standing there was her husband. She called out to him, ostensibly I thought, to tell him she was ok. She waved to him and stepped out of the boat and into the surf. As she started walking towards the shore and her husband he yelled something out to her. Now, a normal person would think that he would check to see if she was all right. Normal is a rather subjective thing. After seeing his wife after what could have been a most treacherous swim, all we heard him say in that most wonderful Caribbean accent was, “ Did you find the ball?” I cried I laughed so hard.

The Times Of Our Lives

When I was a kid my brother David and I had a connection, through my mother, to get free concert tickets to any concert at Cobo Arena, then, the major concert venue in the Detroit area. Suffice it to say, we took full advantage of the opportunity afforded us. There is no way in the world that my friends and I could count how many shows we saw from the press box at the arena.

We saw all the big acts of the 70’s. Literally, whoever came to town, we went. I have many great memories from the different concerts I saw back then but one in particular stands head and shoulders above the others. I know that when this story gets told to anyone that knows any of the involved parties there are laughs all around. I’m not quite sure how well this is going to translate to writing but I’ll give it a shot.

I got four seats for an Aerosmith show in December of 75. I invited three friends to go with me, David Fairbanks, Bob Siegel, and David Swimmer ages 15, 14 and 14 respectively. I was also 14. Remember the ages, it matters.

As the night of the show approached we found that getting a ride to the show was going to be quite a challenge so Fairbanks asked his mom if he could take their car. This wasn’t an unreasonable request. David used to drive all the time, long before he got his license. So, on the night of the show we all piled into David’s Impala and off we went.

Fairbanks had procured a bottle of Southern Comfort for the evening and I’m sure we had plenty of pot, we always did. I didn’t drink back then and David Swimmer didn’t either so the only drinkers were Fairbanks and Bob. Again, another point to remember. So after an uneventful drive down the Lodge (that’s the main freeway to downtown from the north suburbs) we got to the hall and were escorted to our private press box.

I can’t say for certain but I believe the warm up band was REO Speedwagon, a band that later became quite popular. The band had a couple hits but was in no way considered headliners. Well, the lights went down and the show started. Fairbanks and Bob started drinking their Southern Comfort and we all were smoking pot as REO played their set. I mentioned a couple songs by the band that I liked a lot and, as the band wasn’t very popular at the time, Bobby wanted me to point out the songs when they got played. The alcohol was working it’s magic on Bobby as he kept asking, at the beginning of each song, whether this was a song I had said I liked or not. I mean it, each song started with Bobby yelling over to me, “is this the one”?

Anyway, the concert went on and we all seemed to enjoy both bands. The alcohol was gone by the time the show ended and we all proceeded to pack up our things and head out the door of the press box. Now, for those of you that know Cobo you’ll remember that there were ramps to go up and down the different levels. Well, as we were heading down the ramps, heading to the exit, I remember turning around to check to see where everyone was. As I turned I saw Bobby on all fours looking like a lost puppy dog. He had fallen and when he looked up at me I clearly remember thinking that he was really drunk. He caught my eye and I could see that he wasn’t in good shape. I think it was Swimmer who helped him up and we all started walking slower and together so as to make sure we all got to the car safely. Oddly, Fairbanks was very quiet the whole way to the car.

When we got to the car, Fairbanks got in the drivers seat, me, behind him. Bobby got in the front passenger seat and Swimmer sat behind him. As soon as the car started one of the wildest, scariest, hilarious and most memorable nights of each of our lives began. Actually, I can’t really say that about Bobby, I truly can’t say how he could remember much of the evening from that point on.

As soon as Bob shut his door he started trying to roll down his window. Once he started, everything for the rest of the night turned into a slow motion movie for me and I’m sure Swimmer too. As Bob was trying to roll down his window, he had his head leaning against it and was trying to reach his mouth to the top of it, as he was needing to throw up. I can still see him stretching his lips in an upward motion trying to reach the top. He didn’t. As soon as he started throwing up Swimmer jumped into my lap screaming, “ahhh, he’s puking”. Bob never got the window down far enough and spent the entire trip home throwing up all over himself.

It was at this point that Swimmer and I realized that we had a much bigger problem on our hands. Fairbanks announced to us all that he couldn’t drive anymore, as he was really drunk. Mind you, this is after we were already on the freeway. He kept drifting out of his lane and Swimmer and I each held one of his arms from the back seat and guided him in a straight line while repeating the mantra, “stay in your lane”. Meanwhile Bob was still making a mess of both himself and the entire passenger side of the front seat.

We kept up this travesty until we hit eight-mile road when Fairbanks decided he’d had enough and pulled off the freeway. He pulled onto a side street and told us that he was done. Swimmer and I talked about it for a second and decided that since I was three weeks away from getting my permit I wouldn’t take the chance of being caught. Swimmer got out of the car, climbing over me because Bob was still spewing a constant stream of things I don’t even want to think about, and opened the driver’s side front door. He pushed Fairbanks over so he could get in and once he gave the push, Fairbanks started throwing up all over Bobby while finally landing his head on Bob’s lap.

Swimmer took over the driving and we needed to take Bobby home first. Bob fought his way out of his coma long enough to ask us to drive around a little because he was too drunk to go home. We told him that that wasn’t going to happen and Swimmer pulled onto his street. Bob told us to drop him off down his street but we pulled right up in front of his house. He was too messed up to get out on his own so Swimmer and I decided to help. We found the only place on his body that wasn’t covered in slime, the back of his shirt collar under his jacket, and pulled him out. He ended up in a snowdrift and Swimmer went up to his door and knocked and came out to the car and we left. Bobby was still in the snowdrift the last time we saw him that night.

I was the next to get dropped off and then Swimmer drove home, woke up his father, and had his father follow him to Fairbanks’ house to drop off both David and the car. Two things here, it was a school night and it was around 1:00 in the morning.

Mom woke me up at the normal time for school and told me that Fairbanks was on the phone. I got up and grabbed the phone and David asked me what time we got home. I told him and then he asked me, in all seriousness, “ Did Bobby die last night”? He remembered us pulling him out of the car and leaving him in the snow and he somehow thought that he died and we had decided to just dump the body. After telling him what really happened David told me he wasn’t going to school that day and that he’d see me later that night.

At school that day Swimmer and I found each other and recounted the whole story to everyone we saw. We laughed until we cried. I don’t think any of us really put into thought how much danger we were actually in.

I know Bob can’t really tell the story because there is no way he can remember it. I saw both David’s at the get together the other night and all three of us remember things the same way. I mentioned that I couldn’t see or talk about any of those three guys without thinking of that night. Swimmer said he can’t drive on the northbound Lodge without laughing about it and Fairbanks said he still laughs about it too.

I don’t know how well this story is going to translate to paper but know that I literally cry when telling it. Both David’s and I were talking the other night and out of nowhere I said that we three have something between us that nobody will ever understand. I said what we had between us was the greatest story ever told. And each immediately knew what I was talking about and agreed. This all took place 33 years ago this month and it still makes me laugh out loud just thinking about it. Yes, we could have been killed but we weren’t. We all survived and have a great laugh and cry whenever we think about it. Ahhh, good times.

Hopefully For Good!

Ok, I’ve mentioned the web site Facebook.com in a couple other posts. I originally signed up for this sight because a friend of mine in Europe asked me to right after I moved here to Michigan. I guess it’s a lot like myspace.com but for me it’s a simpler site. I was never able to post pictures on myspace, they were always the wrong size. So I never really bothered with it and started putting pics and videos on Facebook.

I had a couple friends in Florida and a few that I worked with up here that were either already on the site or signed up once I asked them to. I would check in on the site occasionally and post a video that I thought was funny and just say hi or things like that. After a while, like all new things, it got old. I stopped checking in on the site and eventually deactivated my account.

A couple months ago I got an email from a friend in Florida saying that she was trying to send me something on Facebook and I couldn’t be found. I went back onto the site and reactivated my account. Once on, I started doing some searching for names from my past. They have a couple different ways of searching and one of them is through schools. I looked into my old high school and saw all kinds of names of people that I knew, or rather, once knew. I found folks that I haven’t seen or talked to since high school and quickly became part of their network. I was also getting “friend” requests from people I’d never heard of from my school. Some I accepted and some I didn’t. Most of the ones I didn’t know were in my brother David’s class and I thought they were simply confusing the two of us. Others, that I didn’t remember, I figured would come to me eventually. I’ve even gotten in touch with a friend that lived down my block that I was very close to. I flew up to Seattle from San Diego in the early eighties to stand up at his wedding and have only seen him once since then.

I must say I’m having the time of my life communicating with these people. I kind of feel like Sally Field at the Oscars when she said, “ you like me, you really like me”. I’ve sent notes to a few of the people that I remember but was never close to. In the note I’ve asked them what their opinions of me were back then. I asked for complete honesty, asking if I was nice or was I an ass to them. I’m not asking to see if I need to apologize or anything, I’m just trying to wrap my arms around me and who I was back then.

The responses have been rather touching. I told you about the friend who said I was one of the popular kids in school, which I never thought was true back then. I’ve also been told that I was one of the “cool” kids and that I was always nice and all the things we hope people think of us. I’ve received these kinds of responses from not only people I was friends with, which is kind of expected, but also from folks that I thought didn’t even know me.

Trying not to get to mushy here but this is really special to me. I love being in contact with these people and I hope the renewing feeling doesn’t go away. I think it’s truly amazing that these are people that, neither they nor I thought we’d ever hear from again. It simply blows my mind. I didn’t love my school years. I didn’t hate them either. I was kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. It’s pretty much how I’ve felt about my entire life.

There is a group of folks from my high school that get together every year at a restaurant down in the Detroit area around Thanksgiving. I was told about it last year and did my normal freak out thing and didn’t go. I’m planning on going this year; it’s this Friday, if I can avoid talking myself out of it. I’ve sort of forced the issue by committing to drive down with someone that lives up here. Otherwise, I know I’d find an excuse to get out of it. The closer the day gets the more of a wreck inside I become. Pretty stupid I know.

Anyway, if any of you new, old friends read this please know that I’m so incredibly happy to get to know you all again. I really hope that when the fad of Facebook goes away we somehow don’t lose each other again. I do, though, nervously, look forward to seeing a number of you again this Friday and hope we can continue these chats and notes for many, many years to come.

What To Do.

What do we do to save Detroit? The latest industry crumbling under this economic downturn, as we all know, is the American auto industry. The big three have gone to Congress and asked for 25 billion dollars in loans to get them through this latest mess. The problem I have with this bailout is the fear that it’s only a temporary fix.

The American auto companies have, by any explanation, made their own beds. I remember as a kid in the 70’s the huge loans given to the car companies so they could survive and retool to become competitive with the Japanese carmakers. Well, they servived, barely, and didn’t even attempt to compete with the foreign automakers. They have fought tooth and nail to avoid being forced to have minimum standards when it comes to mileage capabilities for their cars. Over the last ten years we’ve seen more SUV’s. than at any time that I can remember. Can someone explain how and why the Hummer even exists as transportation for the general public?

The other side of that is what happens if they don’t get the bail out? From what I’ve read and seen on the news in the last couple weeks, one in 10 workers in the United States is somehow connected to the auto industry. That doesn’t mean that 10% of all workers would lose their job but I’m sure a good portion of them would. The ones that don’t would probably lose hours along with getting pay cuts along with benefit cuts and so on and so on. Imagine what that does to the economy.

There is an idea out there for the government to kind of take over the big three. Has anyone noticed what a wonderful job the folks in Washington have done in running the business of this country? I’m not sure I’d want them running the car companies.

I’m really not sure where I sit on this one. Either way becomes a pretty frightening scenario. I know I don’t trust American cars; I’ve had foreign vehicles for years. Some say that it’s people like me that has helped bring these companies to their knees. I couldn’t disagree more on that. I would have gladly bought American if they were even close to the quality of my Nissans or Toyotas over the years.

I’ve really gotta think about this one.

I Keep Going Back

A friend of mine came up from the Detroit area last weekend to watch some football, grill up a couple steaks and just hang out. While here we started talking about the things we used to do when we were kids. This friend is someone that I was pretty close to while young yet life, as it often does, separated us and we’ve just recently reunited in the last few years.

While talking to him I mentioned that I had recently started corresponding with a number of people we knew as kids from school. I started mentioning names and we would discuss whatever memories we had of them. We started discussing all kinds of folks. Some that we were very close to, and others, that were kind of on the fringe of the little circle that we all kind of get lumped into throughout our lives.

During this little game of “remember so and so” I noticed that I would mention things that my friend would only have a slight memory of. I took that to mean that he just couldn’t remember the things we took part in. I mentioned this to him and he said I remembered these things because I was “pretty popular” in school. That’s the last thing I ever thought I’d hear about me in my youth.
I’ve mentioned before about how alone I always felt not only in my youth but throughout my life. To think I was one of the popular kids in school is something that I find really hard to put my arms around. I mean, my social life has never really varied over the years; I spent my time in high school either working or staying home and watching television. I couldn’t possibly count the Friday and Saturday nights I spent home alone in my house in Oak Park. Popular kids don’t do that.

I would sit there watching “Carol Burnett” almost every Saturday. Sometimes a friend would be there but most times it was a solitary party. I didn’t go to many parties back then and the ones I did attend would find me off in a corner, watching people getting drunk or viewing the inevitable fight that would break out. I always tried to place myself right on the edge of any circle that would form. I never allowed myself to get too close to any of the action. I always had this feeling that I’d be found out if I did.

Found out? What was I afraid to show? That’s easy. I was very concerned that if any of these people got to know me very well then they would inevitably find all the faults that I worked so hard to cover up about myself. Whether or not these faults were real has nothing to do with any of this. I perceived them and that’s all one needs to believe in their reality.

My problem is that I never really got rid of the feeling of having to stay on the outskirts. I’m working on putting the two realities together just to help myself understand myself some more. I’m surely not the only person who saw themselves as little more than a fringe player in the shaping of their own lives. Don’t misunderstand what I just said. Nobody put these feelings of inadequacy in my head but me. Why I put them there, I don’t know, could be a million reasons. This revisiting the past is truly a learning experience. I feel like there’s so much work I could do there. So far I like what I’m finding about me way back then. I think I’ll stay awhile.

One Step Up And Two Steps Back

Ok, step one is complete. We have elected a Democrat to the highest office in the land. My side won but that alone isn’t enough. I have a concern about the direction the country is heading simply by looking at some of the ballot initiatives voted on in each state.

First, I’d like to congratulate the state of Michigan. Voting yes on both the medical marijuana and stem cell bills is something to be quite proud of. On the other hand there were three or four states that had a measure to ban gay marriage on their ballots and all of them passed. Arkansas passed a bill to ban gay couples from adopting children.

On the one hand it would seem we’ve made tremendous strides. The idea of electing a black man is something I think most of us can admit we never thought we’d see in our lifetimes. Kudos goes out to the entire nation for breaking through this long-standing barrier to progression.

On the other hand, the majority of the people that voted in the states of Arizona, California, Arkansas and Florida still feel the need to deny citizens rights that, to me at least, seem as basic as they get. I’m quite sure that if asked, most of those that voted against these bills would give some sort of biblical reason as to why they chose to vote that way. I don’t even want to go into my thoughts on that. Oh alright, I will, just a little though because I’ve said it so many times before.

The idea that the people of this, or any, country place their religious beliefs before the rights and freedoms of its citizens should scare every single one of us. This, my friends, is the real glass ceiling we must break through before any of us can consider the results of this, or any, election a victory for the people. Is their anybody out there that still thinks that people choose to be gay? Well, I guess so. Just look at the results of Tuesdays vote. Absolutely ridiculous.

Election '08

Ok kids, here we are. This is the moment Democrats have been waiting for since Gore won the popular vote but lost the election in 2000. I’ve written enough times about Barack Obama that, by now, you all know what a fan I am. I do have a few concerns about a couple different scenarios that could play out, not just today, but over the next four to eight years.

The concern for today is the obvious, these are the Democrats we’re talking about here and as I’ve said before, if there is one group of people that can come from ahead and lose, it’s the Dem’s. We saw it in 2000 and again in 2004. The only thing you and I can do about it is to help get the vote out. Call your friends and relatives and help get them to the polls if you have to. Most important, get to the polls yourself. This is easily the most important election of our lives and we’ll have nobody to blame but ourselves if we blow it.

My other concern is about the future. Whether Obama or McCain wins, the fear is how each chooses to actually govern. Personally, I’m a liberal. Actually there are some issues that liberals think I’m too far to the left on. On the other hand, I’m also a realist. If either candidate strays too far from the middle, once elected, I believe their presidency will be one of complete failure and will also be short lived.

The truth is that, in general, we Americans are really not that far apart when it comes to our politics. Now wait, don’t write and tell me what a fool I am quite yet, just look at the past. A major move to the middle saves Clinton’s Presidency. If you look at the approval polls for his first two years in office you’ll see they were nothing to be proud of. After being forced to move towards a safer middle ground he won the election with 379 electoral votes, basically a blowout. Please remember that this was in the middle of his being impeached by the majority Republican congress. I don’t think he would have stood a chance if he had stayed with the same platform he won with in 1992.

If Obama wins he will, as Clinton did, assume the office with a Democratic Congress. While I would have personally approved of Clinton’s sticking to more liberal policies, again, I’m a realist and know that without the Republican congress being voted into office in ’94 he would not have been forced to move away from those thoughts and I believe that is what saved his Presidency.

I want Barack Obama to win this election. I think this is my generations “Kennedy moment”. I do, however, hope that he doesn’t stray too far from the middle. Not because I’m some kind of centrist, but because I want his time in office to be successful. I don’t believe that either candidate can be successful without staying a little more to the center of the line.

Anyway, that’s what I’m thinking about this election day of 2008. Agree or disagree with me, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think I’m breaking any new ground here by saying what I’ve said. The bottom line though is that only time will tell

Look Into My Eyes

You know, during the last month or so I’ve been revisiting my past a great deal. I’ve been hanging out on websites that help one connect with others and I’ve ended up getting in contact with a number of folks that I haven’t heard from in years. It’s pretty cool hearing from this long lost group of schoolmates as it brings back memories that take me to a time in life that I constantly wish I could do over again.

See, I spent my entire youth thinking that I was alone. Finding these folks that knew me back then really shows me that how one thinks of themselves can be so different than the way others see you. I am one of the most insecure people I know, to me, yet talking to those that knew me back then I get the impression that that side of me never really showed itself to them.

I posted some pictures of when I was a kid from the age of two until my senior year of high school onto my “Facebook” page and the comments received from people have kind of taken me aback. First is the recognition. The “hey, I remember you,” type things. Then I’ve gotten a couple from some girls I knew back then that tell me what a crush they had on me back then or how “cute” they always thought I was.
I cannot imagine what I would have done if I knew they felt that way. I don’t think I can remember a time in my life when I thought I was the least bit attractive and here are the very girls I use to be so afraid to even talk to telling me that they would have welcomed such an event. My fear of myself would never allow such a thing to have happened but it’s really nice to hear these things. It’s nice to feel that I may have been wrong about myself all those years ago. Of course the logical side of my brain has probably always known that. It’s the emotional side that always throws me into these tizzies.

I got in touch with one woman that I first met in fifth grade but haven’t seen or spoken to since the early eighties. When I sent her the original contact note I told her that I had always liked her because she always made me laugh and that was something that’s always been very important to me. In her response she stated that she was so glad to get in touch again because I was always so nice to her. I felt pretty good about that and I thought about that very statement for quite awhile.

I probably would be pretty upset if I found that there are people out there that I haven’t been nice to. One of the things I’ve always thought highly of about myself is that I’ve always treated people well. That’s not to say that I haven’t made fun of people, everyone does, I have just always thought that at the end of the day people really can’t complain about the way I’ve treated them. I think anyone can say that when looking at pictures of the groups of people they knew when they were young that this guy or that was “such a jerk” or “what an ass”. I truly don’t think that I can think of anyone back then that would think that way of me. That, my friends, makes me feel good. You know, I did something right.

One of the things that I’ve attempted to do while writing this blog is the proverbial self-examination. Looking to identify certain stages of my life and either the mistakes or the things done right throughout. Not that I could do anything to change the past or that I’m looking to blame anyone for my faults. I just, I don’t know, want to see if I can figure out the causes of both the good and the bad.

One of the pictures I posted is of my school picture for 11’Th grade. In it I have long hair and it’s kind of mussed up. I may very well have been high at the time but I don’t think it’s obvious or anything. The thing I notice most about it are my eyes. Something about them kind of captured me and I found myself staring into the picture. It seemed as if I was staring at them, searching them for a sign or something to let me know that he, or I as it may be, was ok with how I’ve turned out. I hope that if the boy in the photo could look into my eyes he’d see that though I may have been wrong about a great deal of the things I’ve done, I never purposely hurt anyone and my thoughts are not very far from the way I was back then, we’re ok. I think he’d think we’ve done all right and I think I agree with him.

You Should Meet My Sister

It’s been a pretty tough couple of months since I was laid off from my job. I’ve pretty much run out of money, self-esteem and the ability to laugh at myself. It’s become quite the pity party on this side of the road. I’m not apologizing; I think I’m allowed to feel this way. I was finally offered a job and accepted it here in the area. I was hired by Rite Aid as a Store Manager. If that doesn’t make you wonder about the well being of that company I don’t know what will. Anyway, it’s good to have a job and hopefully I’ll get that mojo back that I seem to have lost along the road.

There have been a few things that have gone on around here over the last few weeks that I feel are worth mentioning. I told you all about Jodie getting married. I think you can all imagine how much work goes into an occasion like that. Karen, the mother of the bride and my sister, worked like crazy to throw the magnificent shindig that a number of you attended. I think she deserves quite a lot of accolades for the good time she arranged for us all.

What some of you don’t know is what else was happening at the same time as the wedding. About a month or so before the wedding, Karen got a call from some people telling her that some folks from the television show “Extreme Home Makeover” were coming to town and wanted to speak to her about being the builder for the house they were going to build in the area.

Karen and Bob have always been big on the charity thing. The company has received awards for their giving nature. Hell, the house I live in was originally built to raise funds for St Jude’s Children’s Hospital. That being said, Karen was quite interested in helping out. As more and more information came in she started seeing how big of a job this was going to be. I know there were many moments when she just plain wanted to call the show and say she couldn’t do it but she stuck with it.

I have never seen the show but those that have will know what I mean when I talk about this next thing. They have this thing called a door knock at the beginning of the show where they surprise the family and let them know that they have been chosen for the “Makeover”. Well, Karen asked when the door knock was and she was given the date. The “Door knock” was set to be on the same day as her daughters wedding. Be honest with yourselves here, how many of you would have quit the show right there? I know I would have and I’m pretty positive a huge percentage of you guys would have too.

Karen and I laughed a great deal about the timing of all this but I don’t think there was ever a time when anyone knowing her didn’t think she could pull this off. The common response when people were told of the dual jobs Karen had going on at the same time was along the lines of, “ well, if there’s anyone that can get this done, it’s your sister”.

I use to marvel at how well my ex-wife would perform under pressure. Well, Shelly, you’ve met your match and more. Here’s a woman who, with her husband, is running a company and trying to keep it afloat during some of the most trying economic times of our lives, while also trying to arrange a large wedding for her daughter while at the same time gathering a huge volunteer group to build a 3100 sq. ft. house in 106 hours. Overwhelming is one word that comes to mind.

The end result of all this is the newlyweds are now in Hawaii on their honeymoon and the house was given to the family this past Friday but there was so much more to it and I have nowhere near the talent to put it all into words. You should have seen her in action. There’s not a retail outlet in the world that couldn’t use her organizational skills. Her ability to get all these volunteers to give their time and money to the house was astounding. Yes, she had a ton of help but they wouldn’t have helped if it weren’t Karen asking for it.

I was at the site of the house a bunch of times and she was like a buzz saw. Looking left and going right with barely a blink while commanding a group of volunteers who all deserve an award for their efforts. Karen was certainly at the top of the mountain of people who did this amazing act of kindness. You should have seen her…

Jodie Gets Married

I went to my nieces wedding last Friday night. Jodie is my sister’s middle child. She has an older sister, Kori, and a younger brother, Ryan. Either due to my lack of maturity, or their more mature nature, I’m certainly not considered your average uncle. That being said, I’m more along the line of their friend instead of their mother’s brother. They don’t call me Uncle unless talking about me, or introducing me to others.

Of the three kids I’ve always felt that Jodie and I were closer than I am with the others and I think she feels the same. That in no way means that I have any kind of problem with the other two and I don’t believe they have any bad feelings towards me. I get along wonderfully with all three but there’s always been a more, I don’t know, friend like relationship with Jodie. Even when she was a little girl and I’d be around she would always just come up to me and hop up on my lap or lay down on top of me when I would be on the floor watching television. Since I’ve been back in town we go to movies or out to eat or just out screwing around and talking. She knows that she can talk to me about anything and I’ve always been very proud of that.

Jodie’s appeared in a few of my previous posts as has her new husband Mike. I also consider Mike a friend and think he feels the same. I often, well not often but sometimes, go out for a drink with him and have done a few other things with him. As a matter of fact, Mike is the guy that I went to that racecar-driving thing with that I wrote about in a previous post.

Anyway, the wedding was at one of the local country clubs around here and it was very nice. The ceremony was held outdoors and the weather was perfect. The wedding party all looked great as they came down the aisle and Jodie looked like the royalty she’s aspired to since the day she was born.

It’s quite normal for me to get all-emotional at weddings and this day was no exception. It’s kind of nice being alone at these events as I can tear up and nobody else can see. I felt a little better about myself when I looked at Mike as he awaited Jodie’s walk down the aisle. I could see his eyes were just as wet as mine. It certainly wouldn’t have taken much to make him lose it completely and I’m glad he had the strength to reign it all in. Mike’s told me on numerous occasions how much he loves Jodie and seeing his face as she was walking towards him could leave no doubt in anyone’s mind. It was quite obvious that he had been waiting for this moment for just as long as Jodie had.

I can’t tell you how proud I am of both of these kids. Not only are they my niece and (new) nephew. They are both good friends. What better way to spend a day than to watch two of your favorite people make the commitment to spend the rest of their lives together?

Well, I took them both to the airport yesterday for their honeymoon and I truly hope they have the time of their young lives. I can only leave them with one wish and that is to hold each other close no matter how far apart you may seem to be. Also remember that UK (that’s what they call me sometimes) is here for you both at any time as are numerous others for anything you guys may need.

You’ve got a bumpy road in front of you both but they are bumps that are made much easier to go over if you start from the premise of just plain being nice to each other. I think that, for me, is the best yet simplest advice I can give you. Be nice to each other. It’ll give you such a head start on anything you ever do together.

It's All About The Boredom

nacho–noun, plural -chos. Mexican Cookery.
[Origin: 1965–70; < MexSp; ulterior

a snack or appetizer consisting of a small piece of tortilla topped with cheese, hot peppers, etc., and broiled.

I got up at 4:00 in the morning the other day to drive down to Detroit Metro to pick up my nephew who came in for his sisters wedding. Hell of a drive for someone but I figure, what the hell, I’m not doing anything anyways. It’s about an hour and a half from here but it’s one of those things that needed to get done for the wedding.

I left the house and drove up to the local “Speedway” gas station to get some coffee. I went in and while I was pouring my joe I noticed this big rack of chips in little black plastic dishes. Along with the rack was a sign that said “Nachos .99”. Next to that sign was an even bigger sign that said “Free Cheese and Chili”. This seemed odd to me. I mean, aren’t nachos, by definition, oh wait, read the definition above.

Well, I couldn’t let something like this go unchecked. I had to ask the guy behind the counter about this confusing conundrum. I mean, were the chips .99 or were they cheaper? How about the chili and cheese? Where do they fall into this equation and how much could I get away with while trying to make this clerks head explode?

So I fixed up my coffee and went to pay for it. I asked the guy how much the chips were and he told me .99. I asked how much nachos were. He said the same. I asked how much chili and cheese costs. He said they were free. I asked where the bowls were. That’s where I got him. He said they didn’t have bowls. I asked him how I was supposed to get some chili and cheese without a bowl?

He was stumped. All he needed to say was that the chili and cheese were for the chips and I would have been on my way. He truly was baffled about what to do next. Here was some guy asking questions about some free chili at 4:30 in the morning and he just had a look on his face that was pleading with me to leave. I was feeling a little feisty and just couldn’t let him off the hook that easily.

I just couldn’t help myself. I don’t know what it was but as soon as I saw the two signs something struck me. I know I shouldn’t have picked on the guy behind the counter but it made me laugh just thinking about the possibilities. I think the reaction I was expecting when I brought the whole subject up was for him to just laugh and get the joke. He didn’t and that made me want to see how far it could go.

I decided to ask if I could just take a coffee cup and fill it up. He asked me to hold on and he would check in back to see if there were any bowls in the back. I had to stop it right there. I couldn’t let this guy take it any further. I told him I was just screwing around and apologized. He laughed nervously and said he was totally confused and didn’t know what to do. I explained that I was just bored and wanted to play around. I don’t think he really understood the whole thing. He came out from behind the counter and looked below the counter where the chips and coffee were. I think he was still looking for a container to put the chili in.

I know this wasn’t a very nice thing to do but I was just trying to get a laugh. I can’t help it if the guy behind the counter got all flustered. It was 4:30 in the morning for Pete’s sake. What am I supposed to do, just let it go?

Shouldn't Even Be Close

Ok kids, it’s time to talk about some of the things I’ve been noticing in the going ons of this political season. Let me warn you, if you don’t already know, I’m a supporter of the Democratic ticket. If that bothers you, don’t read this. If you have comments, feel free to leave them at the end of the post. Do me a favor though; don’t just use the typical talking points. You know the ones, “Obama’s a tax and spend liberal” and things of that ilk.

To start with, I’ll address that point right off the bat. I’ve actually done research on this; it’s quite easy to find web sites that have no political slant. According to numerous non-bias organizations, under the Obama tax plan anyone making less than $200,000 or $250,000 for married couples will see a tax cut. The plan calls for the taxes on those that make more than that to return to what they were during the Clinton administration. I don’t know anyone, including those that make those kinds of dollars, that didn’t do well in the 90’s. So, the question becomes, how is that bad? To me, the answers easy, it’s not.

Let’s talk about security. I can’t find any poll that says that Americans feel safer today than they did before 2001. Not one. The bottom line is that 09/11 happened on the Republicans watch. I don’t believe we need to argue about the response of the current administration. There is more and more evidence about the fake evidence used to get into the war with Iraq that I hope we can all agree that we shouldn’t have gone there. That’s not to say that we can just pull out of Iraq, just that we shouldn’t have gone there in the first place.

The outcome of this war is the “Patriot Act”. Have any of you actually read this piece of legislation? For a political party that constantly rails against big government being in people’s lives, they certainly want to spend time in yours and mine. Under this act our phone, email, financial and medical records can be searched by the government without a court order and without you or I even knowing about it. Sounds like big brother to me. Sorry, I’m starting to move away from the original intent of the post; I’ll try to get back on track.

Allow me to give you a scenario: there’s a black guy who is married. He has an affair, while still married, with an heiress. His wife gets in a horrible accident and becomes disfigured. While recuperating, this man decides to file for divorce and be with this other woman. Then let’s say this man decides to run for President as a democrat. Well, I think we all know what the right wing would do with that. His family values would be questioned over and over again and odds are that he would be absolutely trounced in the election if he even gets that far. Change the above scenario to the real story of John McCain and he’s the head of the family values party and a real mans man. Sorry, I just don’t get it.

Let’s take another look at this black candidate. Let’s say he has a 17-year-old daughter who gets pregnant. This daughter, along with her father, would become the laughing stock of the election season and once again the family values issue would be a major issue in the campaign. All we’d be hearing about is what a poor example this candidate has been for his family to allow his child to get “knocked up” as a teenager. We all know that this is really a reference to Sara Palins daughter, yet when it’s brought up all we hear is how courageous she is and what a strong family she has. Amazing.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of this woman. For those that are, I’m sorry, you obviously haven’t really looked into who and what she is. The reason I know this is that nobody has. When anyone tries to get any info all we are told is that we are sexist. Seriously. She’s not allowed to have a news conference because the McCain campaign is afraid of what she’s going to say. Hell, McCain himself hasn’t been allowed to face the press without having it pre-scripted. Even his little town hall meetings that he so favors are carefully orchestrated. If you are a democrat, and it’s known that you are, you’re not allowed entrance to the meeting.

One last thing about Palin, they have a film of one of the campaign stops where she and McCain were taking questions. She was asked to name specifically what experience she brings to the table to make her a viable Vice President. Her response was that she was ready to lead and that if elected she’s ready. She also said that if you wanted specifics to just ask. She then went on to another questioner. Face it folks, she doesn’t have specifics and that’s simply because she hasn’t been told by the campaign what she’s supposed to say. I know, the typical republican response is that Obama has none either. Wrong. Go to his web site and he has everything he plans on doing in complete detail. You can’t say the same for McCain.

Here’s my biggest fear about this entire election. I truly believe that the race issue is the only thing that can hurt Obama. I think there are a number of folks out there that when the curtain closes on the election booth will have a hard time voting for a black man. I believe this election wouldn’t even be close if he were white. Sounds terrible but I really think that if a white male, with all else being the same, were the democratic nominee there would be a landslide of historic proportions. I hope I’m wrong.

A Really Bad Month

Sometimes I feel like I’m just falling apart. I’ve never felt real highly of myself and lately with the job picture and financial situation it’s really smacking me around. Feeling as shitty as I always have about myself, I still always believed that things would work out for me. That feeling isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be and that scares me.

I feel like everything I have ever done wrong to anyone or anything in my life is all coming back to haunt me at once and I don’t think I have the strength to fight it all off. I wake up in the morning and I notice I’m shaking a little. There’s a cloud over my mind that has been raining for what seems like decades. I have no confidence in my abilities to do anything.

It used to be that when I applied for a job I would go in there feeling like they were lucky to have me. I don’t have that feeling anymore and I don’t know if I have the strength or know how to get it back. I have never been more afraid to get out of bed in my life because for the first time I really don’t know how this story ends.

Whatever friends or family reads this please know that this is in no way any kind of note to be overly concerned about. I’m not going to do anything to hurt myself, I’m just having a real bad month and it’s starting to feel like it’s gonna stay cloudy forever.

A Little Bathroom Story

I went to the clinic today to take a drug test for possible employment with a large retailer. There just seems to be something wrong with the casualness of the process with the folks that work there. It just doesn’t seem to be any kind of big deal that they happen to be handling human waste. Hell, it took me a while before I could deal with my own daughters diaper when she was born. Of course it quickly got to the point of nothing being to it but this was my daughter not some schlep off the street that I’ve never seen before.

Walking in I was reminded of the place I use to sell my plasma at when I was 18 and needed, ironically enough, drug money. Wearing jeans and a tee shirt with my ever present flip-flops, I was easily the best dressed person there. Says something about the state of the unemployed now doesn’t it.

When I first got there I went up to the desk and, after being asked what I was there for, gave them the paperwork my perspective employer gave me. They had me sign in and said it would be a few minutes. A couple minutes later the very same person that I had just spoken to called my name. I went up to the counter and he said. “What can I do for you today Kevin”? I just smiled until I realized he was serious. I explained what was up and that I had already given him my paperwork. Some lady then told me to go around the corner and into the second room and when I got there she was already there to meet me.

She told me to empty my pockets and put everything in this box that was on the door. After doing what I was told I realized that there was nobody checking to see if I really emptied them. She asked if I had done it and I said yes. I could have easily had someone else’s pee in my pocket. Ewwwww. She then asked if I could pee? I laughed. Hell, at my age there’s hardly a time when I don’t have to go. So she gave me a little plastic vial and, with her plastic gloves on, put a little mark about 1/5 of the way up the cup and told me to put that amount in it.

So I went in to do my thing and stopped at what I thought was around the line she had drawn. Now, I don’t know about you but stopping mid-stream is not an easy thing to accomplish. So I stopped with a bit of a struggle and lifted the cup to see if I had made it to the line. I started thinking at this point that I didn’t have plastic gloves on. How come she needed them and I didn’t? Anyway, I saw that I didn’t make it even close to the line and had to repeat the process. After another two checks I finally did it and took the vial out to my friend outside the door.

After handing her the vial, she had me fill out some form and she set the specimen on the table. She started telling me about some of the adventures she’s had while having this job and was in the middle of saying that there was a time that someone had filled the cup all the way to the top. She was saying that it had spilled a little when he had set it down and then she reached over to show me how far the guy had filled it to and hit mine and knocked it over before putting the top on it. Oh joy.

Thankfully I didn’t get any on me and she apologized over and over again. She then asked me if it was at all possible that I could go again. Are you kidding me?

What If?

What if I wasn’t the youngest of four kids? If I were say, the oldest, the second or third child in the family. How much would that have changed what and where I am at this very moment? Maybe I would have been a better student, role model, mentor to my siblings. I’d like to think that I would be all that and more. I often wonder if any little thing that has happened in my life were tweaked, just a touch, the difference it would have made in my life.

Let’s say I was more outgoing. Now those that know me think I’m very gregarious. What most don’t realize is how incredibly uncomfortable I actually am in any kind of group. If I were this social being that went to parties and were able to socialize comfortably in the “party” type settings, where would I be today? I think it goes without saying that my circle of friends and acquaintances would be much larger. Along with that comes the idea of changes in the relationships I’ve had and the different ones I would have possibly enjoyed.

Maybe I would have been a better student. Of course the possibilities are endless with that. Let’s say I went to college and even grad school. Obviously the career path would be different. Be it business, law or even medicine. The possibilities of course are endless. Obviously the social crowd would have been much different simply because I would have been in different places and among others in whatever it would have been that I was doing.

I wonder if baseball would have still been my first true passion? I’ve always thought that it was sort of a sign of intelligence to be as into the game as much as I am. That sounds kind of weird but you can’t be an idiot and get into the stats and understand the little intricacies that I believe I do. That’s not to say that you’re an idiot if you’re not into it as much as others or at all. I think you know what I mean.

So let’s say I became some sort of social animal. Pretend I wasn’t afraid of intimate relationships. I often wish that I could go out and “pick up” women and be the object of their attention as well. Obviously, if that were the case, my entire being would be completely changed. My marriage to my ex would probably never have happened. The kids would be different and odds are I wouldn’t know any of you guys out there. We may have crossed paths at some point but who’s to say if anything would have come of it.

I don’t think there has been a day in my life that I haven’t thought about such things. I can also say that I’ve wished for these things to have happened. I then get a phone call or email from one of you or one of the kids calls or sends me a text and I just can’t imagine what I’d do without you. It’s those moments that I tell myself I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

A Little Self Pity

“From all this you’d imagine, that there must be something learned,”

Feeling a little funky today. I think something may have bitten me. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and have felt like I’m in some kind of fog all day long. I went to a bar last night and I know what you’re thinking, “hangover”. No, I only had two Malibu’s on ice. Trust me, I hardly caught a buzz.

You’d think that staying home on a Sunday and watching football all day would be a dream come true for a sports fan like me. I gotta tell ya, kinda sucked. I used to be home on a Sunday thinking about what a drag it’s going to be to go to work the next day. I’d pretty much give up my left one to feel that right now.

I really am trying to stay positive but that becomes more and more difficult as the days go by. I’ve cut my spending so much so that I hardly leave the house. The only entertainment outside of the house that I’ve done is because friends have offered to pay for whatever it is we do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m real appreciative but I don’t like having to depend on friends to get my fun fix. I, and they, know I’d do the same for them without thinking anything of it but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

I’ve got an interview tomorrow with a large drug store chain and I’m hoping more than anything that I hear from the folks in the D.C. area this week for an interview. I also keep applications flowing on a daily basis to retailers throughout the country. I have a list here of anyone I’ve applied with and have a system for calling them and checking on the applications every three days. Monday I have 16 calls to make and another 14 on Tuesday. I just want to keep my name in their faces.

I look forward to a day when I can look back at this time and understand the lessons taught. Right now I’m kinda confused by it all. I’m getting into the “whoa is me” phase and that’s a real uncomfortable place to be. I think of all the woulda, shoulda and couldas throughout my life and see numerous times where the course could have been changed. There are most certainly lessons learned throughout. Those are lessons that are too far-gone to fix, I’m not a kid anymore, at least physically.

I need to see what there is to learn from this episode. If and when this part of my life is complete I’m not sure I’ll ever want to think about it again. I just want to get some semblance of a life again. I don’t do much besides work so you can imagine how exiting life is when I’m unemployed.

I know, I know. Quit your moaning. Ok, I will. It’s just that every once in a while I think I have the right. Trust me, I could go on for pages and pages but I’ll spare you. Maybe it’s the bug bite.


From all this you’d imagine…

A Boy And His Dog

Lucky and I went up to Torch Lake and stayed at my sisters’ place for Labor Day weekend. There was only Karen and Bob and my niece Jodie besides me so I was able to have my choice of either the two bedroom or one bedroom cottage for the dog and me. They don’t want animals in the “big” house and that’s an easy request to abide by as both the other houses have everything you could possibly need.

This was the first time I went up there with Lucky and it really is nice that she’s such a mellow dog. It’s a three-hour drive each way and she handles it like a pro. All she wants is to have the windows open and she didn’t bother me once the entire trip. Once there she just needs to go outside a few times a day, just like home, and she’s fine just hanging in the one bedroom while I’m in the house with the other people. Don’t worry, I would go hang out with her every few hours and take her for a walk and stuff like that.

We got up there Saturday afternoon and just sat around for the day. It’s really comfortable up there; it’s easy to see why so many people like to go up there. When I woke up Sunday morning I took Lucky out and walked her to the edge of the backyard to the lake. I had my IPOD on and put the handle of her leash under the table Karen has on the beach next to the chair I was sitting in.

So I’m sitting there just thinking about nothing, which is my favorite thing to think about, and I notice the table next to me is moving. I look up and Lucky is chest deep in the water, just moseying around. I called her and she turned around to look at me and just sat down as if to say “hey, there’s a lake here and at least one of us should be using it”. So I leaned back in my chair, she moved a little closer to the shore and laid down and we both were right where we wanted to be.


I know I’ve mentioned it before but I just love being near the water. Torch is very much like the Gulf when there isn’t a storm in the tropics. It’s almost like a sheet of glass on its finer days. Sitting out on that chair on the beach is a feeling I find hard to describe. It gives my head a chance to just plain erase and nowadays I find that erasing is the most comfortable button I can find to push on that recorder we call a brain. Lucky seemed to be of the same mind as she stayed in the water like that for about 20 minutes.

I decided to get up and go out on the dock so Lucky could be in the sun and attempt to dry off. I grabbed my favorite chair from the shed and set it out there like I always do and just sat and listened to a couple podcasts of “This American Life”.

Lucky kept walking to the edge, looking down at the water and making motions like she wanted to jump in. I tried to encourage her but I think she has a problem with depth perception. She surely couldn’t tell that it was only about two feet deep or she would have hopped in. I’m glad she didn’t because she’s a bear to get dry. Her fur below the top coat is like a sheep and it takes hours and hours to dry her off.

I tied her up outside for most of the day and was finally able to put her back in the cottage and Karen, Bob, myself, Jodie, Kori and her boyfriend went out on the boat for a while and just cruised around the lake. It’s a huge lake and it took quite a while for us to go around it. I think it was something we all needed at the time. It was a spectacular day and the water was perfect.
We had a really nice dinner and I went back to my place rather early and hung out with Lucky until I fell asleep.

On Monday I spent most of the morning after breakfast out on the dock listening to the IPOD and just relaxing. Lucky did the same and continued her game of threatening to jump into the water. She never did. It got to be around noon and Karen had packed lunch and wanted us all to go out on the boat again and I could easily have done that. Instead I decided to pack it up and head home.

I was kind of afraid to stay. See, I somehow got it into my head that by staying I probably would have ended up spending the night. No real crime but then I would not have been home on Tuesday morning. See, I’m really trying to make it seem like I’m still working. My job, at the moment, is to find a job. I still shave every morning though there’s no real reason too and even get dressed in some type of work like clothes at some point just to keep some sort of structure in my life. I think that can only help me so I’ll try to keep it up.

So Lucky and I drove home in Holiday traffic, again, she was great. When we got home she ran upstairs and went under my bed to get some sleep. I guess she likes the structure too.

Let's Wait And See.

I got a call Thursday that was kind of unexpected. I really shouldn’t say unexpected but it did surprise me. It was from a grocery company based out of North Carolina. I had applied for a number of positions with them through “Careerbuilder.com” but I’ve never received a call from any company I’ve applied at through them. I always call the company three days after applying and then every three days after that. Well, the company that called me was on the list for me to call on Friday.

So I answer the phone and the lady tells me who she is and tells me that she has seen my application on Career Builder. She says that the resume was sent in for a job in Virginia Beach and wanted to know if I had chosen that area because of family or any other reason. I explained to her that yes, my brother does live there and it’s always nice to be near family but I’m certainly not stuck on the idea of living there. She tells me that they are looking to hire for positions in the northern Virginia, Washington D.C. area and would that be something I’d be interested in looking into. I say of course, I’m willing to look anywhere. She then said she wanted to set up a phone interview that would take about an hour and would tomorrow or next week be better. I said Friday was fine so she said she’d call at 2:00 pm.

Friday at 2:00 comes along and the phone rings right on the dot. We proceeded to chat for over an hour and a half. I was asked things about grocery stores that I haven’t dealt with in more than five years. I really had to think about the things she was asking about. Actually it was a nice little exercise for my brain. It’s been kind of dormant lately.

I guess I had applied for an Assistant Department Manager position because she asked if I might possibly be interested in moving higher up than that? She told me she saw on my resume that I had managed a store in L.A. and been an Assistant Store Manager in a few markets. I told her that I would definitely be interested in moving up the chain of command.

At the end of the conversation I asked her what the next step would be and she said that what they were looking for was to possibly place me into their Management training program and then to place me as an Assistant Store Manager in the D.C. market. This, of course, would be dependent on the results of a package she was putting in the mail for me. The packet will contain an employment application along with a number of assessment tests. Once done with the entire package I am to call the number enclosed and they will give me a link to access on line to take yet another test. When all this is finished I’m to send the packet back to her.

If the company likes what they find in the packet they will call me to set up a face-to-face interview with three District Managers. They’ll fly me in to the area, rent me a car and put me up in a hotel for three days. She said the interview would be on the second day and be in the morning and should last around two to three hours. During the rest of my time there I would be encouraged to visit some of the stores and meet some of the people that work there. I would also be able to take some time and visit the D.C. area. Pretty cool.

So now I wait for the packet and hope for the best. I did ask her during the interview about the cost of living in the area and said it was very high but that they are competitive with their pay. She said that this was obvious as they have managers that work in the area now and that they are able to afford to live their so that’s a good thing. Let’s see what happens.

Go Ask Alice

I had to go down to the down river area of Detroit yesterday afternoon to fill out some forms and do some assessment testing for some recruiting company that says they can help me get a job. Before I went I got an email from some folks that were going to the State Fair in Detroit. They mentioned that “Alice Cooper” was playing in concert and that it would cost 10.00 to get into the fair. I figured even on my budget I could pull that off so I replied that I’d get in touch when I was through with the recruiter.

We all ended up meeting at the fair and I was given a voucher by one of our group to get into the event for free. Being in the position I currently am I was more than grateful. We ended up getting seats in the bleachers and chatted and screwed around until the show began.

I’ve seen “Alice Cooper” a number of times in my life. The last time I saw him was while I was living in Las Vegas in the mid eighties. He has always been known for his theatrical shows and I’ve always enjoyed that side of going to concerts. The music is actually a little harder than I like but, again, it’s the show that’s always done it for me.

I guess “Alice” is considered some kind of god to the heavy metal crowd. I’m not a fan of metal and I’ve never really considered “Alice” to be a part of that scene. I remember when I was a kid, and he was in Detroit for a concert, a local news station interviewed him. The take was the typical hometown boy done good. I remember when he was asked how much longer he could do what he was doing he replied that he could do it until he was 80. He went on to explain that what he was doing was more along the Broadway line of theater than anything else. I agree. “Alice” puts on a show, not a concert. There’s a theme and although it consists of death, a trial and an execution, it’s still a theme.

I’ve not listened to any of the newer albums the band has put out but there isn’t one among us in the 45 to 60 range that doesn’t remember the bands greatest hits. The thing about “Alice Cooper” is that he didn’t hit it big with just plain songs. He had anthems.


“Lines form on my face and hands.
Lines form from the ups and downs.
I’m in the middle without any plans
I’m a boy and I’m a man.”

I’m Eighteen was the first of a number of songs that struck quite a chord with the youth of the day. Think about this, that song was released 38 years ago. I remember it being played at sixth grade parties I used to attend in Oak Park. Listening to the lyrics they still have meaning to me today. The bigger point though is that this was an anthem for eighteen year olds.

Now, it’s quite a thing when an artist has a song that resonates so well with the youth of the day, but “Alice” wasn’t done.

“No more pencils, no more books.
No more teachers’ dirty looks.
Out for summer, out till fall.
We might not come back at all.”

Except for our parents is there anyone out there that doesn’t know what song that is? I doubt it. “School’s Out” is still played every year at the end of the school year. Again, this is an anthem, not a hit single.

He followed this with another anthem. “Elected” was a smash hit and was on the first album I ever bought. When the group sang the song last night with all the theatrics that went with it, I’m sure he would have gotten the vote of most folks there. At the end of the song, which was the last song of the night, “Alice” was shouting above the music saying things like “Why not me” and “Vote for me”. There were some dancing girls on stage holding up placards with campaign slogans on them. One of the signs said “These are troubled times”. Alice walked up to the girl holding the sign and said, “Vote for me, a troubled man for troubled times”. This from a 60-year-old man dressed up in leather. How do you not get the joke?

In the mid 70’s “Alice” became quite the household name. He had his own television special and had Vincent Price do a voice over on his “Welcome To My Nightmare” album and appear in the television special that went along with it. How unusual it was that this leather clad man named Alice would be so accepted by the masses just a couple years after being banned in numerous cities across the nation. He would appear on all the talk shows and I think he was a guest host on the Dinah Shore show.

He’s had quite the career and by extension quite a life. The show last night was very entertaining and it made me hope that “Alice” was right when he said he could do this till he was 80. I’ll be 67 at that time and I’d like to be there.

I'm About To Blow!!!

Anyone who knows me can tell you I’m probably the most patient person you’ll ever meet. I don’t mind standing in line for things, I can wait to be seated at a restaurant, you know, all the things that probably piss you off. I can go to crowded shopping malls on Christmas Eve and have no problem at all with the crowds. Over the years I’ve become a rather spectacular crowd walker. I can zip in and out of people at airports, baseball games and any other crowd that happens to gather in my presence.

Anyway, way off topic, sorry. Patience is what we were discussing, right? So I leave Naples last night at 1:00 in the morning and drive up to Orlando, which is a little over three hours if you don’t run into a police block because of a car flipped over in Fort Myers like I did. My flight left Orlando at 6:00 am and I pulled into the rental car return at 5:00. I’m quite exhausted and can’t find anyone from Avis to check the car in. two more cars pull in behind me and still no guy. I’m starting to do my little toe tap thing cuz I’m getting nervous about missing my flight.

Finally the guy comes out and goes to one of the folks that pulled in after me. What’s up with that? I stroll over to where he is and mention that I happen to be the first car in line and he tells me he’ll be with me in a minute. Suffice it to say that I’m not really becoming a fan of this guy. I pull myself into myself, if you know what I mean, and ask him if I can just leave the car cuz I gotta do my OJ thing to get to the terminal. He says fine with a little huff and off I go, leaving my sunglasses in the car as I leave.

When I get to the United terminal to get my boarding pass there’s quite a line. I went up to the desk, interrupted two women who were chatting and asked if I needed to be in the line because my flight was scheduled to leave in less than 45 minutes. One of the women says, no problem, get in line and if the flight time gets too close they’ll pull those on the flight out of line and take care of us. Works for me, so I get in line.

By the way, I’m at O’Hare in Chicago waiting for my connecting flight and I’m sitting in the terminal. Across from me is a row of chairs facing me. Two HUGE guys just sat down with McDonald’s bags and are literally pigging out. No kidding, ones on the phone with catsup on his cheek and a couple fries hanging out of his grill while talking and the other just inhaled a Big Mac. I’m not kidding, it’s gone and there's no proof it ever existed. I think the box is gone too.

Again, way off topic. I finally get up to the do it yourself kiosk to get my boarding pass. God, I wish that guy would wipe the catsup off his face. I put my credit card into the machine and it tells me it’s too late to get a seat on this flight and I could pay 75.00 to go standby. What? So I say, in my normal intimidating voice, I think we have a problem here. So the very same lady that told me it wouldn’t be a problem waiting in line comes over to say I was seven minutes late to get a seat. I smile my most diplomatic grin and say, but you just told me 20 minutes ago that they would pull me out of line it got to be time. She said she’d made numerous announcements and there was nothing she could do.

Two things here. No she didn’t and even if she did the attitude simply wasn’t working for me. There was a Chinese couple that had been in front of me in the line and I had helped them to somewhat communicate to the people they had questions of during the wait for the kiosks. They happened to be using the kiosk next to mine and I asked them if they heard any announcements. All they did was shake their heads no. I nodded to the lady in a type of “see?” thing and she said she’d see what she could do. Now, the beauty of this is that the lady from United had no idea that the Chinese couple didn’t understand a word I said but, no harm no foul, I needed to get on the plane.

She comes back from wherever she had to go and says that she’ll do it this time but she really shouldn’t and blah, blah, blah. As she’s talking she’s getting louder and more snide with each word. I asked if she thought it was right that she was yelling at me for following her instructions and she said that I should have gotten there earlier.

I said something like, well we should be past that now because we’re both standing here and she’s yelling at me. She said that I’ve just wasted five minutes and she could have gotten me the ticket already. I wanted to tell her that multitasking was obviously not one of her strengths but I didn’t want to push my luck. What the hell is going on here? I started doing the toe tap thing again and her way of getting back at me was to hand me my two boarding passes and luggage check ticket without an envelope. I wanted to tell her that I was a United Airlines Employee Shopper that was testing the staff but I had a plane to catch. Bitch.

Awe jeez. Catsup face is sleeping and he’s still got a French fry hanging out of his mouth. Don’t they have skycaps or someone who can come and wipe that crap off his face?

So after being yelled at because I was probably going to miss my plane I finally get to my seat and it’s 10 minutes before we’re supposed to take off and I’m on the verge of boiling over. I’m tired, I’m grumpy and I’ve got a million things in my head that I wanted to tell that lady but I couldn’t because there was no time. It was at this point that the Captain came on the intercom and said there was a problem with one of the computers and we’d be taking off in about an hour. So we sat on the plane for just over an hour before things were fixed and we finally took off. I think my adversary probably knew and was just making me do this dance to piss me off. Bitch.

Heading Home Again

Well, the trips over. I’m not sure how well it went but one can only hope I guess. I have to drive up to Orlando late tonight to catch a 6:00 am plane. I’ll be pretty wiped by the time I get home but I’m sort of looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.

I gotta say I’m really surprised by how much I miss Lucky, that’s my dog for those that don’t know. I know that come Monday I’ll be looking all over the Lansing and Detroit area again searching for work. It’s a tough gig, trying to find a job in a state that has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. I found that since I’ve only been there a year I’m not eligible for unemployment.

I’m starting to feel real down about things and I’ve really tried to avoid that. Tell you what, I meet some girl this time next week and I’ll accept any invitation to get a free meal. Hope I meet someone that has some extra dog food. No, it’s not really that bad yet. I’ve got a few free meals I can scam in Lansing. Mom and Karen had better be prepared. Don’t worry, I promise not to eat much. Looking at myself in the mirror I can say that I could use some smaller portions anyway.

So, that’s where we stand. Just wanted to throw out a little update. Anybody down in the Detroit area that’s looking to pay for some meals just let me know. I’ve got enough for a few tanks of gas so I can get down there.


Talk soon…

Are There Other Fools Out There?

I went to a bar last night out on Marco Island. I figured it was 10:00 at night, I wasn’t tired and I just wanted to get out of the hotel and maybe get a little buzz on. I’m not one that drinks much but a few rum and Cokes might do me some good.

The place was a little more crowded than I expected it to be, what with the storm and all, but it was easy enough to find a table/stool that would make me visible enough to any waitress that was serving that section. It took about 10 minutes or so until a girl came up and asked what I’d like. When she arrived with my drink I asked her to bring another before she even set it down. As she walked away I downed what was in front of me and waited another few minutes before the second one appeared.
During my second drink I was able to relax and just do my normal thing of just watching people. I noticed a number of groups of folks scattered throughout the place and I noticed a table of three women that were somewhat near my age or a bit younger. I smiled when caught staring as we all raised our glass to each other.

I sat sipping my second glass when the waitress came up with a third and told me that the women at the table I mentioned had sent it over. I was lost. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before and seeing what I look like it’s quite understandable. I again looked over at the women and we all raised our glasses as I mouthed thank you to them.

Now here’s where we all get to see what a complete and utter idiot I am. Any other guy in the world would have gotten up and walked over to the table where these women were and joined them. Me? I sat and freaked out. Here I have the opportunity to go hang out with some very good-looking women and my head gets so jumbled that all I can do is sit and do nothing.

Turns out I was fortunate enough that they decided to come join me. I can’t believe how nervous I was. They asked if they could sit down and I must have said sure because they did. I learned their names and we talked for a while and then, my biggest fear, they wanted to dance. I tried to play it off by saying how I suffered from “white guys” disease and had no rhythm but the excuse wasn’t going to be accepted.

So I made a fool of myself for some song I don’t even remember and as we all sat back down we started talking some more. One of the women lived here on the island and the other two were visiting from some city in Missouri. We chatted some more and I felt some connection with the local and we stayed at the table talking while her friends went to the bar to order more drinks. She told me a little about herself and I did the same. I left out the part about being totally lost at this point in my life and not having any idea what it was I was going to do.

She invited me over to her place tomorrow night, which was actually tonight, and said she would fire up the grill and make us both dinner. She told me she got off work at 8:00 so I should come over around 8:30. She gave me her business card and wrote her home number on it. I told her I had an interview in Miami the next day but would call her when I got back in town. What we had here folks was every guys dream. I was getting picked up at a bar. Never happened before and I had no idea what to do with, what many would call, this gift. I came back to the hotel, put her card on the table and went to bed.

I woke up today and went to the beach for a bit then came back and got ready for the trip to the other coast. The interview went well I guess. I never know how they go, I mean, they didn’t offer me a job but they also didn’t tell me to get the hell out of their office. They’ll let me know.

The whole ride back was a nightmare. I spent the whole time trying to think of a reason not to call her. When I got back to the hotel I grabbed something to drink and ran down to Bonita Springs to see what turned out to be the most incredible sunset I’ve ever seen. I had my ipod on and played a few songs in particular that I knew would bring a tear or two to my eyes and watched the fire extinguish itself by the gulf. I’m never not amazed at this sight.

I stopped at a store and bought a bottle of rum and some coke and came back to the hotel. When I got to the room I mixed myself a drink and started to change. I went over to the table and grabbed the card with her number on it. I stared and stared but couldn’t get myself to the phone. I put the card back on the table and looked at it some more. I made myself another drink, grabbed the card and walked over to where the phone was. I picked up my lighter and lit the card and set it in the ashtray while I watched it along with so many other things burn into the air.

Make Me Feel!

Kind of disappointed about the storm. I’m happy that no one was hurt and all but I wanted the place to shake. You know, a little action. Of course I wouldn’t know even if it did. I took a sleeping pill and it actually worked. I know the power went out here at the hotel at around 2:30 for about two hours. The generator came on but some of the outlets didn’t seem to get any power from it.

I got out of the room at around seven and ran down to the lobby with my camera and tried to get a couple movies of what was happening. I’m not sure if the pics will do it justice. It’s raining. I mean really raining a lot. Looking outside you see nothing like it would normally look at 8:00 in the morning. It’s dark and it’s RAINING.

The trees are all doing their late 60’s type dance. You know the one where the head goes one way and the body the other. It’s pretty entertaining. It’s much louder outside than it looks too. That’s from the wind, jealous because it’s not getting the attention it thought it should have.

I’ve already had to change clothes because I ran out to feel the warmth of the rain and wind combination. It actually felt really nice. If I thought I would be more secure I’d go sit out at the pool. You just don’t know what could be flying around out there.
I think I’ll start the coffee pot and take a walk outside for a bit. I won’t go far, I just want to feel. Nothing like 50 mile per hour winds, and heavy rain to help make someone feel.

Take this post to know that I’m fine and lived through the worst of it. A little wetter, but I survived. Faye, you let me down. I really wanted to feel you.

Rain O're Me

“Fend for yourself till you win, win the race. Then you can laugh in their face”.

I keep hearing that line in my head over and over again. It’s an old Peter Frampton lyric form a song I’ve known forever and I’ve never even given it a second thought. Today, for some reason, it’s playing like an AM radio top 40 hit. I’ve always enjoyed the laughing part it’s just the fending for myself that I always seem to have a problem with.

I wrote that previous paragraph yesterday afternoon at the airport on my way down here to Naples. I woke this morning and it was still buzzing around in my head. What’s up with that?

Well, I’m here. I went to the store and bought some food to last for a few days. The weather channel says things could get really windy and wet and the local channels are reporting all the school closings for tomorrow. They’re also saying it could come by here as a category one storm. Could get pretty hairy.

I went to the beach as soon as I woke up and just stood in the water. All kinds of birds and really small fish being real active. It’s pretty cool how they know what’s coming. I have my camera and binoculars with me and got pretty lost in my head while looking through the binoculars. A couple months ago I bought a really nice pair and I must have stood with them up to my eyes for a good 45 minutes or so. I would see what looked like a firefly through the glasses and follow it for a good while and not realize that it was hundreds of feet away. Strange thing to get exited about but this is me we’re talking about here.

It started raining while I was down there so I ran back to the car and put my stuff away. For reasons I don’t understand I ran back down to the water and stood in it, fully clothed, and let the rain kind of wash me off. My shorts and shirt were drenched and I couldn’t see because my glasses had all those drops on them. Any normal person would have gone back to the car but, again, this is me we’re discussing. I stood there for about 10 minutes until the rain stopped. It didn’t last long enough.

I was supposed to go out towards Miami for an interview but right when I was heading out the hotel door the guy called and rescheduled for Wednesday, weather permitting. It was just starting to rain again when he called so I ran up to the room, lost the suit threw on some shorts and headed down to the water again. This time I went out to Marco Island. Not surprisingly I was alone on the sand as the rain was kind of pelting me across my face. The wind wasn’t that bad as it’s just the beginning of the storm.

I stayed out until a police jeep came out and told me what an idiot I was and that they were closing the beaches. It’s really weird but I just want to be out there in the rain. Don’t misunderstand me here; I’m not planning on running out in the middle of the storm or anything like that. I just kind of want someone or something to yell at and the rain and gulf seem like something I can hold some kind of control over.

“Here by the sea and sand, nothin' ever goes as planned”. Another song playing on the ipod that just seems to fit