How'd I Miss That?

A few years ago I wrote a piece about a woman I met while working who threw me for a loop by commenting on how the media had invented the whole “holocaust thing”. The basis of the whole piece was how surprised I was when those words came out of her mouth. You know, how my perception of her was so different than reality.

I thought of that today as I was sitting in that little room they put you in at the Dr’s. Office. I saw the business card that lists all the Dr’s. there and noticed there only being one or two with what you would call “American names”. I then started thinking about people that wouldn’t even consider seeing this one or that one because of the Dr’s. ethnicity. I also thought about how wrong we can be about people’s feelings on the subject.

I can’t say what everyone I know thinks about every subject that enters all of our lives but I naturally assume that their beliefs on most social issues are in the same vane as mine. I’m always surprised when I find out their take on something is the complete opposite of mine. Some issues are easier to deal with than others of course. For instance, I’m totally for gay marriage. I wouldn’t think of disassociating myself from someone just because they don’t agree with me on that. The same goes for gun control. I’m all for the idea, though I’m also realistic, of taking every gun in the world and destroying them. I’ve got a great many friends that own guns and, again, I can live with that. I’ve got my reasons for not wanting guns around and they have theirs for owning them.

On the other hand there are things that would make me not be around someone because of their beliefs. Racism is the obvious issue that brought this whole thing into my head, I’ll sometimes meet someone and think that this is someone I could develop some sort of relationship with like the woman I spoke of at the top of this post. Then out of the blue comes some statement that just blows me away and I wonder, how did I miss that?

Just Take It Easy, Idiot!

What is it about this game that thrills me so? I’m down in the Detroit area hanging out with old friends and getting ready to go to the Tiger game tonight and I’m as excited as a kid at Christmas. Yeah, it’ll be great to see all the old friends that are going but, and I know this sounds horrible; I’m rather ambivalent about that. I can’t wait to get into the stadium.

From what I can gather there are about 20 of us going and it’ll be great fun I know. I, however, am sitting here wondering how rude it’ll be if I get a scorebook and keep track of each pitch like I normally do when I go to a game. We’ll see, I’m on my way…

Next day:

So we went to a restaurant in Greek town. There were four of us in the car I was in and we weren’t sure how big of a table to get. We told them that we could have up to 16 more people joining us but really didn’t know for sure. They were very accommodating and took us to a kind of banquet area with plenty of room for however many joined in on the festivities. They were very patient with us as more and more people arrived and they were fine with the separate bills. They really did a good job of taking care of us as a total 14 finally settled in. We had a nice meal and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

I always have a problem around this time in any event I’m involved in. I am really weird about being on time to anything. I can safely say, barring a real oddity, I’m never late. As a matter of fact, I usually arrive to whatever place I’m going at least a half an hour early. With so many people in the group, still needing to buy tickets and everyone wanting to sit as close together as possible there was no way that we’d get to our seats on time. It was around 6:30 when we all left the restaurant and we had a good 10 or 15-minute walk to the stadium.

When the ball park came into view we saw that there were pretty long lines to get tickets and seeing that we wanted to sit together, well, the logistics started getting a little frustrating for me. So I’m standing there arguing with myself and telling myself to just calm down, it’s really not that big of a deal. I don’t know what it is but I just get really edgy in situations like this. I am so unorganized in everything I do except for times like these. Be it concerts or any sporting event, I don’t know, I just like everything to run smoothly and like to be in my seat well in advance of the start time.

Of course we got to our seats, though we missed the top of the first inning, and all sat close together. The weather was perfect, a nice breeze to balance the high temperature. I’m sure everyone, myself included, had a great time and for your average, normal person there could be no complaints. Well, this is me we’re talking about.

Here’s another incredibly ridiculous thing about how I am in times like this. This is baseball, a rather sacred ritual to me. This is my church as it were. I’m here to, I don’t know, do my daily meditation, relieve stress and sort of cleanse my soul. Being in a large group certainly doesn’t lend itself to that. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, I did. It’s just that I couldn’t get into the game like I normally would. Whenever I’m out with any size group I always end up feeling that I should have had a better time, enjoy myself more. It’s one of many issues I’m working on. So I spent most of the game yelling at myself about trying to have a good time. I know if I’d just leave well enough alone, I’d have had the time of my life. Like I said, I’m workin on it.

Kinda Sucks

For the last couple of months I’ve been complaining about my left wrist. I noticed it aching one day and thought nothing of it. I’ve had tendonitis and things like it throughout my life and felt this was nothing more than that. As days passed it got progressively worse until one day when I couldn’t even button my pants because I couldn’t get my fingers to work properly.

Seeing as I don’t have a regular Doctor, I went to the local urgent care where they took some x-rays and told me I had some chips in one of the bones in there and told me to take an anti inflammatory and also gave me some Vicodin for the pain. I took the pain pills for a couple days and decided not to take any more as they didn’t seem to be doing any good. I started wearing a brace on the wrist to keep me from using it and that seemed to help. Instead of having good days and bad, I was having good moments and bad moments. I could be doing something, grabbing onto things and not have any problem. If I did the same thing again it would send a pain through my hand that would literally have me screaming in pain. Kinda sucked.

I ended up going back for more x-rays and they decided to send me for an MRI. The results from that showed problems with the ligaments in the wrist. Actually it’s the lack of said ligaments that seemed to concern them. They decided I needed to see an Orthopedic Surgeon. So that’s what I did.

Turns out I have a “condition” called some long medical name but the acronym for it is SLAC. The AC stands for advance collapse and the SL is the letters to the bone that’s having the problem. It seems that the ligament is too far-gone to repair so the Dr’s. want to do some surgery to fuse the bones in the wrist together. The Dr. said I could probably wait up to about a year to have the surgery.

The problem with having the operation at all is the recovery time. According to the Dr. after the operation there will be a splint on my arm for four weeks. After that they would put a cast on it for another eight weeks. That’s three months of recovery alone without even thinking about the rehabilitation of the muscles after the cast comes off. You have to figure another six to eight weeks of rehab just to get the wrist going again so we’re talking somewhere between five and six months of being without full usage of my arm.

How do people do that? I mean how can you just be out of commission for six months of your life? That’s the part I’m really struggling with. I don’t have disability insurance with my current employer so I obviously can’t take the time right now and I don’t know how long I can go without the surgery. It really does hurt and I’m not one that enjoys a daily dose of pain in my life.

So, there are a few more things thrown on the plate. Sometimes there’s just too many questions that need to be answered for one person to handle. Kinda sucks.

Memories Of Yesterday

One of the things that I’ve really enjoyed about the website Facebook.com is the ability to literally relive your youth. You can post pictures, and people do, of any part of your life. When the photos are of your youth it obviously rattles the memories of a great number of people. People are posting things from when they were in elementary school and these are, I believe, the coolest pics of all.

I love seeing those pictures of folks from their early years. The best ones of all are the class pictures. You can look at some of these from, say, first or second grade and just have a field day trying to identify everyone. Once you’ve identified these folks when they were kids the real fun begins. That’s when a couple things can take place.

The first is the obvious. Whatever happened to so and so? You see the kid that was the most popular kid in school and wonder. You also see the kids that were the freaks. You know, the ones that were different from the rest, the weirdo’s. With the availability of information that one has today you can find out about many of these kids. It’s pretty interesting to see how some have ended up. I won’t mention any names here but there was a kid that everyone in my school knew that, I’m sorry, but was just a freak. Major nerd. I remember kids, and I’m sure I was guilty of this too, making fun of him and picking on him on a regular basis. Well, someone sent me a link that showed me whatever happened to this major geek. He’s an executive for a major firm on out of New York and is obviously doing quite well. Look who’s having the last laugh now? Good for him.

The other side of those that you no longer know are the kids you are in contact with today. I’ve mentioned before of the friends from school I’m now in contact with. Seeing their pictures from our youth is also very satisfying. It’s pretty cool to see them as you remembered from way back when. I like to see the pics and try to remember what I thought of them back then and see how it compares to the way I see them now. It’s really something to see that one girl who was, at least to me, the prettiest girl in school and finding that, after all these years, she’s just as beautiful both on the inside and out. There’s also the girl that I was never close to but always liked. Met her right after I moved to Oak Park. As with everyone else I’m talking about we hadn’t spoken to each other in almost 30 years. Seeing her picture from back then and remembering the laughs we had, it’s no wonder that she’s now become someone who is easily one of my dearest friends.

Of course some of the kids didn’t fare as well as others, I do have some friends from back then who are no longer with us so the only memory I have is that of them as kids. I think that’s a good thing. Kids are always much cooler than adults.

Looking For A Hideaway

My original intent when I moved back to Michigan two years ago was to not only be near family but to also get myself out of the retail industry. Due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, the business I found myself in simply went into the tank. The result of that, as stated in a few posts when it happened, was that I got laid off. When that happened I went back to what I know and found myself in retail once again. Not really where I want to be but pretty much the only thing I’m really qualified for.

As soon as I saw that I was going to be in retail again my old friend depression came for, what has become, his longest visit to date. As winter came I found myself feeling as grey as the sky on a daily basis. The job didn’t help either. The company I went to work for is one that’s in dire financial straights and have to run their business under those conditions that simply do not promote a satisfying career.

Those things, along with a number of other issues in my life have put me in a place that I find all too familiar. I feel boxed in with little hope of getting free. Like I said, it’s a familiar feeling, one I’ve had numerous times throughout my life. It’s a tough gig to not like yourself under normal conditions, it’s almost unbearable when you’ve given yourself so many reasons to feel that way.

Not all things are so bad. I’ve spoken so many times of the people I have reacquainted myself with since moving back here. Truly, one of the great joys of my life. I can’t imagine the thoughts that would surround me if I didn’t have all these folks to yap with on a regular basis. I find myself, on a daily basis, almost pinching myself to see if I’m actually awake. How else could I have found myself inserted into the lives of so many incredible people? And to think, they have actually allowed me to consider them my friends. It’s an amazing feeling and one I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my days. It really is overwhelming at times.

Now I find myself reverting back to another thing I know best, running away. I’ve been offered a job with the company I worked for in Florida and it looks as if I’m going to take it. I know I’m letting a number of people down with this decision, myself included, and for that I truly apologize. I can’t explain why I do the things I do sometimes and in moments of clarity I often can’t believe how I’ve led my life. For those I’m disappointing, I ask for your forgiveness and beg for your understanding.

I do realize how strange this seems but I feel like if I don’t run something’s going to catch me. What? Who knows, but I’m deathly afraid of whatever it is. Actually, I probably do know what it is and I think it’s me. I don’t know, I kind of feel like if I run far enough away, maybe I won’t find me. See, the problem with finding myself will force me to make myself accountable for the things I do and I truly couldn’t handle that. So, odds are I’ll spend my life doing this, as I have repeatedly, on a regular basis. I’ve been doing this since my early 20’s and, as strange as it sounds, I don’t know any other way of living.

Trust me, I know how strange this is. I don’t think I’d understand someone who does these things. I will totally understand the thoughts of those that don’t stick with me. I just, I don’t know, it’s all I know and yes, people can change but I’m much too big of a coward to attempt something so noble. I hope all of you will still allow me to be a part of your lives as I treasure you more than I could ever explain. To my family, please, please try to understand. If you find that you do get it, maybe try to explain it to me.