We All Feel This One

I was eight years old when the Jackson 5 released their first album “Diana Ross Presents The Jackson Five”. The single, “I Want You Back” became their first number one hit. I first saw Michael Jackson when they were on American Bandstand when I was nine. I remember it like it was yesterday. Mom, Steve, David and I watched them perform the song “ABC”. We were enthralled with this little kid singing. He was my age or at least he looked it, he was one of us. Today I know he was actually 12 but even that, when you think about it is incredible. Mom went out that day and got the “ABC” album and it became the soundtrack of our home. It was played so often I think we wore the needle out. It was the only music we listened to for what seemed like ages. We only stopped listening to it when Mom brought home “The Third Album”.

This was amazing. It had this song that was so different than anything they’d sung before. It was so slow. When first hearing it David and I weren’t sure if it was the same group. The song became their biggest single. It was “I’ll Be There” and to this day it’s considered a great song by anyone worth there salt. By the way, this “Third Album” was released in 1970. Let’s review. Their first album was released in December of 1969 and less than one year later they had already released two more. There first four singles, “I Want You Back”, “The Love You Save”, “ABC” and “I’ll Be There” all went to number one on not only the soul charts but the pop charts too. I’m too lazy to look it up but I don’t even think “The Beatles” can say that.

The beauty of these guys, at least for those of us in the Detroit area, was that they were a Motown band. They were ours. To this day I think that when someone from the area hears any of the old Motown bands they feel a special kinship to it. This was our town and dammit, these were our boys. Listening to any of the Motown music from back then still brings many of us to a better time in our lives. We were kids without a care in the world and this was the soundtrack to that carefree time.

As I, and they, got older I no longer listened to them. I moved away from the “Bubble Gum Soul” they used to play and so did they. Michael Jackson became the biggest entertainer any of us have ever heard. I was never a big fan of his solo stuff. That’s not to say I didn’t appreciate it, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I would still stop and remember my youth whenever I heard any of the old songs and it always made me feel warm and safe.

Michael Jackson died the other day. This was big. Hell, bigger than big, this was huge for many, many reasons. First off because he was the self proclaimed “King Of Pop”. He wasn’t lying. I can’t imagine anyone in any corner of the world that doesn’t know who he is. I was watching all the news reports and would just marvel at the reaction of people everywhere. As Elvis belonged to the fifties and The Beatles belonged to the seventies, Michael belonged to everything after. He was the Elvis of today. He was the Beatles of today. Even with all the controversy surrounding him he was still the biggest star any of us has ever seen. I’m not going to go in to who was more popular of the three but I do believe this. If it weren’t for Elvis there would have been no Beatles. If there were no Beatles there would have been no Michael Jackson. All had their place and we all need to appreciate that.

I have been listening to the older hits for the last couple of days and it’s so bittersweet. I still feel the warmth and security of my youth but something has changed. I know I’ve talked about this so many times before but I think this is something that we can all relate to. That child inside has taken another hit and it feels a little different than the other ones we’ve all had to deal with. This seems more defining. I think it’s because it’s not just me that got older the other day. I think all of us did. This wasn’t a case of me, or someone I knew going through some private grief that slapped that child around. We all lost something here. This is the whole world that just aged a bit. In a way it’s a little more comfortable than if it was just me. It’s better that we grieve together; it helps to know that you’re not alone.

I Can't Even Fathom The Thought

I spent Friday and Saturday down in the Detroit area this week for a number of different reasons. While down there I got some news that I’m having a real hard time wrapping my arms around. Two people from my high school got married and had kids. The woman was from my class and her husband, from a class two years prior. Anyway I got word that their son died, he was 17.

I don’t know the details of the how’s and why’s and honestly, what’s the difference? I also haven’t even spoken to either of these people in decades and again, what’s it matter? What matters is that a family is burying their son today. The very thought actually gets me all choked up and I’ve already had to stop writing a few times just to compose myself. Yeah, I’m normally a pretty sensitive guy but this, this has occupied my thoughts since the minute I heard about it.

We’ve all suffered loss. We’ve all probably lost grandparents, many have lost parents, sadly enough I’ve even written about some of us that have lost siblings or spouses. All of these losses are horrible. The loss of a child though, well, I don’t even know where to go with the very concept. You want to talk about rules of nature? Well, the most basic has been shattered beyond recognition in this case.

I have always talked and written about this child inside all of us. How life itself chips away at this child trying to force us to lose that inner being. I’ve usually been able to reconcile, within myself, the idea of somehow preserving that youthful being inside all of us. This time though, wow, I’m not sure I’d even want to. How does a Father wake up any day, let alone Fathers Day, and bury his son? How does a Mother, who at least to me, has the strongest connection possible with their children, wake up at all?

I’ve talked to a number of people about this in the last couple days and the common response is that they just do. You go on for the other kids, for your spouse, or just go on autopilot. I just can’t even see how that’s possible. I marvel at the strength of those that have that ability. I’m feeling actual pain at the thought of what these parents are going through today and I don’t know how I’d be able to deal with it if it was any closer to me than it is.

I know I’ll be thinking about this one for a long time. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not much into the faith thing but those of you that are, well, go ahead and pray for these two. Those that aren’t I know will be thinking of these guys too. I will make a suggestion to all of you though: If your kids are home, go give them a hug. If they’re away, call them and tell them you love them. I can’t even imagine, in my wildest dreams, what these folks are going through.

Hangin' With The Big Kids

Down in the Detroit area this afternoon for a little dinner gig with me and around 30 of my best friends. Actually, I look at the confirmed guest list and I can honestly tell you I remember meeting at some point in my life exactly four of them. I can safely say that most if not all of these folks went to the same high school as I but they were all from one to three years older than me.

This is yet another testament to the power of the Internet, and more precisely, the social networking site Facebook.com. The evening was set up by one of the few people I actually knew as a kid. Actually knew who she was, not really knew her. She planned this because a friend of hers from high school was coming to town and this way all these friends could get together and see her at one time while she was here. How do I fit into this? That’s where Facebook comes into play.

I’ve become Facebook friends with a number of these people and because I have an ability to comment on things I see someone write that makes people laugh sometimes, I’ve actually become rather popular on the site. The only way any of these folks see what a mess I am is from my writing. I like to say I give good Internet and these guys seem to agree. Pretty cool. It really is a nice boost to the ego having all these people know and actually want to socialize with me online on a daily basis.

Something about this that really has made me feel wonderful is getting the invite at all. The woman who set this up sent invitations to 27 people. Of the 27 all except two, myself included, were from the same class. I along with one other girl are from a class two years behind them. The person that’s also from my year was once married to one of the invitees so she socialized with a number of these people at some point in her life. What it comes down to is the only reason I’m invited is because of Facebook. It’s actually rather flattering. I get to hang out with the older kids tonight.

Let's Try Something New

So I got the call from the company in Detroit today. I was told that I passed whatever background checks they needed and she will call me tomorrow with the money details and we’ll talk about a start date. It was quite a relief to finally get some semblance of structure in my life right now. I’ve been floating around a veritable whirlpool of emotions the last couple of weeks and it’s nice to come to a stop, at least temporarily.

I’ve spoken before about how different it is for me to want to stay in the Detroit area. I’ve spoken to a few people today about how difficult it is for me not to move away. I’ve been doing this moving away thing for years. Save the years I was married I have moved, literally, every two years since 1980. No special reason, just ridiculously restless I guess. Even while married I would always talk to Shelly about moving the family away from where we were. It’s never really mattered where I was or where I was going, I just had to go. My therapist (I think that’s what I should call her) asked me why I thought I had to go.

I told her that it wasn’t so much the destination that made me want to leave, nor was it the place I was leaving from. I said it was more the verb of moving rather than the noun of the destination. Like I’ve said before, it’s the squeeze more than the juice that makes me go. That’s one of the many reasons this has been such a tough time for me. I feel like I almost need to get in the car and just drive. I’ve gotten this way so many times over the years it’s almost like an expectation. I just get this itch that needs to be scratched.

This time it seems like I’m going to try to relieve the itch by putting some cortisone on it if you know what I mean. I’m trying to just plain make the itch go away without using the typical medicine I’ve given it over the years. I feel like I need to make this work. You have no idea of the fears I have running around my brain right now about all of this. I hope I have the strength to see it through

The reasons for staying are quite confusing for me too. Of course family is here and I don’t want to downplay that in any sense. The main reason, and I’ve stated it before, are all these friends I’ve regained in the last six months. Let me try to lay it out as best I can

Since moving to California in 1980 I’ve kept in constant contact with about three people. The rest of these folks are the ones that baffle me. Here’s a group of people that I’ve shown no loyalty to over the years and, as I’ve stated before, for some reason they want me around. It’s kind of daunting in a way. I mean, what have I ever done to deserve this, I don’t know, warmth from these people. Whatever it is I’m certainly not complaining. I just figure they’re just as nuts as I am. Why else would they think I’m this person they think I am.

Staying has now become something I feel I need to do. The right thing to do. I just feel I have to see this through, see if what they and I are feeling is real. Yes I’m showing my chick side again but there’s a love here that I’ve never felt both for and from others. It’s pretty special and I just want to hold on to it for as long as I can. Of course I can’t help but feel that they’ll all somehow come to their senses and see me for the fool I’ve always thought of myself but who knows? Maybe, dare I say it, I’m wrong? I hope you know what I mean when I say this next thing. Springsteen’s song “Born To Run” has a line in it that kinda says what I’m feeling. “I wanna know if love is wild, I wanna know if love is real”. Like I said earlier, I’ve never felt this kind of warmth from anyone other than family in my life and I kinda like it.

For you guys that have encouraged me to stay I thank you but also warn you. Be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.

Don't Wanna Live Without It

So I’ve got 12 days till go day. Go day is the day I move. Up until about a week ago it was, to me, a done deal. I was all set to move to Florida and once again, start my life all over again. As the day gets closer and closer the stress I’m feeling is literally bringing me to my knees. This is a new feeling for me.

I’ve always been the calm guy in the room. Nothing got to me and there would be times that friends would just marvel at how little emotion I would show in a crisis. It’s something I’ve always been proud of, you know, being calm under pressure. I’m not sure how I got that way but it’s helped not only me, but others as well.

For whatever reason, that’s completely changed now. I have major concerns about this impending move and the reasons for it are ones I never thought would have any kind of effect on anything I’d ever do. It’s friends. It’s the idea of being able to go out on a regular basis with people I’ve known for virtually my whole life. It’s not just the idea of me not being able to leave all these people, it’s that I’m not sure I want to. It’s really quite the conundrum. I hate Michigan’s cold winters but on the other hand, is there anything warmer than the feeling of being needed or wanted by those you care so much about?

So I’ve interviewed with a retail outlet down in the Detroit area and it looks as if they’ll offer me a job. Then the real stress comes, a decision has to be made. It’s so much tougher than I ever dreamed it would be. If I were to stay in Michigan it would have to be in the Detroit area around all these new/old friends. Otherwise it wouldn’t be worth it.

Damn Facebook, if it wasn’t for you I’d have probably already been gone. But like I said earlier, I just don’t know if I can leave what I’ve started to build here. It’s really something special that not only was never expected to happen to me but, even more importantly, something I’m not sure I want to live without.

I Don't Know, Let's See!

When I first went to the Dr. about my wrist I developed a pretty good relationship with the physicians assistant. She was the easiest one to make an appointment with and actually paid attention to the things I said. After seeing all the stuff going on in my life she asked me if I would be adverse to seeing someone to talk to about my impending move and everything else going on in my life. I figured I really had nothing to lose so accepted her recommendation. She gave me the names of a couple people and I chose one to see.

I went to see this woman and immediately felt comfortable and was able to, for lack of a better phrase, throw up everything that was happening in my life to her. What was supposed to be a one-time session has turned into something I actually look forward to and wish was happening everyday. I’ve only seen her three times and only have another three sessions scheduled before I move but I really feel this is something I need.

Anyway, about midway through my first meeting with her she asked if I’d ever been tested for Attention Deficit Disorder. I said I hadn’t and never really thought about it and we started talking about something else. A little later she said that I might want to look A.D.D. on the Internet, that I might find it interesting. Again, I thought nothing of it and forgot about it.

Earlier this week I went back to the Dr. for some follow up on the meds I’ve been taking and as we were talking she asked if I’d ever been tested for A.D.D. I laughed and told her that’s exactly what the Social Worker had asked. She said It’s something she’d like to test me for. As we spoke more about other things she said she thought I definitely seemed to have the disorder. By the end of the appointment she again asked me to look into it and that odds were that if I looked A.D.D. up on the Internet I’d see a picture of myself. We laughed a bit and I told her I would.

I’ve since looked up the symptoms of it and it’s kind of scary:


Adult Indicators 
Symptoms and problems are often unique and may vary in type, number and intensity from person to person. ADD is complex and no two individuals are exactly alike. 
Some indicators that can be suggestive of ADD:

Easily distracted; forgetful; daydreaming
Procrastination; inability to complete things
Disorganization; messiness; clutter
Difficulty with making decisions
Behavioral or verbal impulsiveness
Difficulty with expressing thoughts in speech or in writing
Significant periods of depression; low self-esteem
A sense of failure; not living up to one's potential
A sense of being different, unconventional
A sense of internal restlessness; constantly active
Difficulty with falling asleep or waking up alert
Very sensitive to being told to do something, teasing, criticism, rejection or anger
A sense that your mind is always active; thoughts jumping from one topic to the next
Easily bored; intense need for excitement
Difficulty with following rules
Very impatient; low frustration tolerance
Emotionally sensitive; easily upset, depressed, hurt or angered
Difficulty with personal or work relationships
Frequently late or rushed
Difficulty in estimating how much time something will take
Impulsive spending and money management problems
Personal or family history of substance abuse, depression or anxiety
Difficulty with reading comprehension or retention
Frequently changing jobs, interests or activities
Frequently losing or misplacing things
Perfectionistic tendencies
Strong need to control or have things your way

Of the 27 symptoms listed above, I can safely say that 24 of them fit me to a tea. Kinda interesting. I don’t have perfectionistic tendencies, difficulty with comprehension, I have no problem expressing myself either in written or spoken form. That’s it, three that don’t match me.

So what does one do with this now? Does it give me the right to just write off anything stupid I do as part of my “illness”? It’d be easy as hell if I don’t bother getting a real diagnosis and just go by what I read. It was pretty weird reading some of these things and relating so easily to them. You can find so much information on anything you want on the web. I found a site that had stories of adults that had been diagnosed with A.D.D., as I would be reading a number of them I literally saw myself as these people. It was kind of surreal. I mean, were they talking about me? Was I living inside those stories? I should probably take the next step and get officially tested. At my age I’ve really got nothing left to lose.