A Little Self Pity

“From all this you’d imagine, that there must be something learned,”

Feeling a little funky today. I think something may have bitten me. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and have felt like I’m in some kind of fog all day long. I went to a bar last night and I know what you’re thinking, “hangover”. No, I only had two Malibu’s on ice. Trust me, I hardly caught a buzz.

You’d think that staying home on a Sunday and watching football all day would be a dream come true for a sports fan like me. I gotta tell ya, kinda sucked. I used to be home on a Sunday thinking about what a drag it’s going to be to go to work the next day. I’d pretty much give up my left one to feel that right now.

I really am trying to stay positive but that becomes more and more difficult as the days go by. I’ve cut my spending so much so that I hardly leave the house. The only entertainment outside of the house that I’ve done is because friends have offered to pay for whatever it is we do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m real appreciative but I don’t like having to depend on friends to get my fun fix. I, and they, know I’d do the same for them without thinking anything of it but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

I’ve got an interview tomorrow with a large drug store chain and I’m hoping more than anything that I hear from the folks in the D.C. area this week for an interview. I also keep applications flowing on a daily basis to retailers throughout the country. I have a list here of anyone I’ve applied with and have a system for calling them and checking on the applications every three days. Monday I have 16 calls to make and another 14 on Tuesday. I just want to keep my name in their faces.

I look forward to a day when I can look back at this time and understand the lessons taught. Right now I’m kinda confused by it all. I’m getting into the “whoa is me” phase and that’s a real uncomfortable place to be. I think of all the woulda, shoulda and couldas throughout my life and see numerous times where the course could have been changed. There are most certainly lessons learned throughout. Those are lessons that are too far-gone to fix, I’m not a kid anymore, at least physically.

I need to see what there is to learn from this episode. If and when this part of my life is complete I’m not sure I’ll ever want to think about it again. I just want to get some semblance of a life again. I don’t do much besides work so you can imagine how exiting life is when I’m unemployed.

I know, I know. Quit your moaning. Ok, I will. It’s just that every once in a while I think I have the right. Trust me, I could go on for pages and pages but I’ll spare you. Maybe it’s the bug bite.


From all this you’d imagine…

Give Me A Break Already

“I’m so tired,
I haven’t slept a wink.
I’m so tired,
My mind is on the blink.”

Another perfect evening last night. I fell asleep around 11:00 with Lucky on her bed in the corner of the room. At precisely 12:03 in the morning my eyes opened and they haven’t shut since. I even took an Ambien and I was never able to fall asleep again.

I can’t tell you how frustrating this is. It’s bad enough getting three or four hours sleep a night but to be completely shut out? Absolutely ridiculous. It’s not like I’ve got a lot on my mind, hell I’m pretty much a blank slate.

Everybody always has a solution to this problem of mine. Try this, try that, etc… It’s really nice that they care but if it’s out there, I’ve tried it. I’ve done the herbal stuff and the Melatonin and it hasn’t worked. I took Ambien last night for Pete’s sake and it didn’t work. I’ve been like this forever, or at least twenty years. Actually it started when I was married, don’t know if there’s some kind of connection, hmmm!

I have one of the stronger Ambien tablets left. I guess there are two different types and one’s supposed to be stronger than the other. I have one of the strong ones and a bunch of the weaker ones. Don’t even ask where I got them; let’s just say there are a few out there trying to help.
There are many nights where I’ll take a couple of PM cold tablets trying to get some sleep and the only time I ever really get a good knock out from them is if I’m truly sick. Even after a bee stings me and I take all that Benedryl, I still end up with just a few hours of shuteye.

I’ve come to the point where I try to make sure I fight myself to stay awake in my lounge chair watching television just to make sure I save any sleep I can get to when I’m supposed to.

It’s now Saturday morning and I took the strong Ambien. I slept for about seven hours and I feel great. I almost felt like crying when I woke up and saw how long I’d slept. My health benefits kick in at the end of the month and I really have to have a serious talk with the Dr. I choose. This can’t go on like it has. I have to be able to sleep. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.