If You Don't Expect Too Much From Me, You Might Not Be Let Down

There are a couple things Shrink and I talk about that seem to come up on a regular basis. They are my constant feeling of never wanting to offend anyone and my total fear of expectations. The not offending people isn’t about when jokes are being told or busting someone’s nuts over something, I’m talking about seriously doing all I can to not make them feel slighted in any way. I think, in a way, I’m like that to avoid any hint of confrontation, never been a fan of that.

The expectation thing is something a bit different. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I remember as a kid being told how much potential I had in school and I would do everything possible to make people realize they were wrong about it. Why would I do that? I tell ya, it’s one of the great unanswered questions of life. I stopped playing sports as a youth once people started telling me I had some talent at whatever the sport was and telling me how much further I could go with said talent.

I remember, as a kid, making a conscious decision to not drink simply because everyone expected me to join them. Granted, this isn’t a bad thing, but it most certainly has had an effect on my life. I would avoid parties that I was expected to attend, not go out on weekends simply because I was supposed to. I really became rather bratty about it. It became almost an ego thing, if you expected me to do it, well then, it simply wasn’t going to happen, I mean, how dare you think you could know what I was going to do.

The effects this has had on my entire life are far reaching indeed. When one doesn’t obtain the social skills and confidence one normally does as a youth by attending social gatherings, he kind of becomes used to the idea of continuing the trend into adulthood. It gets to the point where I end up convincing myself that I still need to make sure that I still don’t meet the expectations put upon me.

It doesn’t even matter who’s doing the expecting, it could be me, there’s always this little voice or force that’s pushes me away from it. I’ve become more aware of the battle within that goes on when trying to avoid the expected as the years have gone by. I think I’m getting better at not worrying about the expectation and just doing what’s right for me though there are still issues that arise on a daily basis.

Shrink and I talk about all the evenings I go out with friends and how “under pressure” I feel each time. She tells me I can always say no, that I don’t have to go out as often as I do. She’s right, of course. Just because I’m invited somewhere doesn’t mean I have to accept. There is another side to it though. I somehow have this feeling inside that I’ve missed so much as a kid and even most of my adult life that I almost need to accept all these invites. I’m almost afraid of missing all the chances that I foolishly avoided in the past. I actually told shrink that I feel like I’m afraid I just may miss something I might enjoy. Kind of like trying to redo the past.

Of course, along with all this are the normal, everyday conflicts I go through when I do anything. The anxiety builds and I do what I can to fight it off. Then there’s the whole expectation thing. I work on that everyday. It’s tough convincing myself that just because someone expects something from me doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. I’m just so crazy that I actually try to analyze each “expectation” to see if it’s worth the inner battle to try to get over or simply fall back to old ways and avoid it completely.

Once again, an essay with no clear finish. Of course, why would it be finished, that might meet someone’s expectation of me and why would I ever want that.

It Seems They're Stuck With Me

Had my 30-year high school reunion the other night. Before I get started about the whole thing, let me say this: I did enjoy the evening, it was so much better than my fears led me to believe it would be. Those that were responsible for the planning and organizing of the soiree, as it were, should be genuinely congratulated. I spent most of the last few months doing everything I could to avoid getting involved in the setting up of this grand event and after seeing what they went through to put the event together, I know why. Remarkably hard work to ensure the joy of each and every person that showed up and I know that everyone appreciates all the hard work they did.

There were well over 100 people there and, surprisingly, I remembered more of them than I thought I would. I say surprisingly because of the number of folks that showed up, I may have spent time with about 10% of them way back when. That, right there, is what seems to be weighing me down since Saturday night.

How on earth did I get so jaded?

So I’m at the reunion and seeing and talking to so many people that I had only dreamed of associating with all those years ago and the things they’re saying to me are the things I so longed to hear back then. I’ve always been totally convinced that many of these people thought me nothing more than one of those burnouts that was, at best, apathetic about anything that had to do with school.

I regret so much the fact that I never even attempted becoming more involved in school activities. I was casually friendly with a number of the kids that were, but never spent any time even getting to know them, nor did I allow them the opportunity to know me. I always figured they didn’t want to. Hell, back then; I didn’t want to know me.

Since coming back to Michigan I’ve been so fortunate to not only renew and grow those past acquaintances but have literally been introduced to those I never even spoke to back then and have found these people to be such wonderfully warm individuals that I’m made somewhat sadder realizing what I’ve been missing in them for all these years.

Well, there is a fix and I plan on spending the rest of my days ensuring that cure is successful. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve charged myself with a mission, that mission being to make sure those regrets are no more. I’ve said it before and yes, it’s so corny but it’s true. I am so in love with these people and everything they have to offer and I plan on bathing myself in that love till they simply can’t stand it anymore. Once that happens, I’ll just love them all a wee bit more.

Bar Night 2009

A few years ago a couple guys from my hometown got together and thought about how nice it would be to see all their old high school friends again. They decided that Thanksgiving weekend would be a good time for it as many of the out of towners would be in for the Holiday and they picked a local establishment to meet at. Last night was this year’s version and I get the feeling that it’s grown much larger than these guys ever dreamed.

This was my second go round with what has become known as “Oak Park Bar Night” and it truly is a major party. It’s almost like walking down the halls of my old school between classes. Seeing this group of people here and that gang over there. So many familiar faces, it’s kinda nice to know that I can identify most of them after all these years. I think most of those there could. Of course we’re almost cheating at the game because of this computer age we’re in.

There are a number of people who give me grief about my use of the social network Facebook. Yes, I’m quite the regular and you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. As I was ducking and dodging my way through the sardine can full of people from my high school last night, I couldn’t help noticing how many of the folks there were only there because of Facebook. Admit it, you guys that were a part of it, how many people that you are now in contact with from your youth are a direct result of Facebook? I’m willing to bet most.

Anyway, I met an old friend and her fiancé for dinner at around seven, a couple other folks came and sat with us, one that I hadn’t seen since junior high and as the place started filling up I felt the need to get out from the table and move around. I don’t know if I made the right decision. It was kinda six of one, a half dozen of the other. Rather immobile either way.

There was an amazing amount of people there. Everywhere I looked I saw a face that took me back. Sure, there were plenty of people I knew and am in regular contact with but this being the weekend of my high school reunion, I saw numerous faces of former classmates I haven’t seen since school. Some were good friends back in the day and others were just faces in the hall. All of them, in their own way, gave me the warm and fuzzies that I seem to be feeling more and more these days. I took my camera with me but, as usual, I didn’t really use it. I always feel weird about running around snapping away.

Tonight is my 30’Th high school reunion. I’ve not been to any of the previous ones and the old nerves of steel I’ve never had seem to be staying on their permanent vacation. It’s really strange, the way I feel going into any of these events. I’m so nervous leading up to the shindig it’s like I’m about to speak in front of thousands of people, yet once I get there, I’m totally at ease. It’s like I own the room and can do with it as I wish. I can control conversations and put things right where I want to. It’s like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. That’s kinda nice isn’t it?

It's That Time Of Year

So it’s upon us, the holiday season that is. I’m in the process of trying not to let myself be the grinch I always try so hard to become at this time of year, you know, trying to give myself a break. That’s not as easy as it sounds for someone like me, the holidays have always been an incredibly difficult time for me. What should one expect with all these self-imposed issues I insist on carrying around on a daily basis.

It always seems that the years are shorter the older I get and this one is no exception. It seems like just yesterday I was digging myself out of my holiday malaise from last year. It has been a rather eventful and busy year starting on New Years Eve of ’08 when I found out that Steve needed a liver transplant through my moving back into the Detroit area. So many emotions throughout it all and yet, I’m still here. Funny how sometimes it seems we just can’t make it through another day until the next time, when we feel it again.

I guess with the year I was having I really had no choice but to move back to the area that I grew up in. Be with those that gave me the comfort and warmth that I had missed so much since leaving childhood behind all those years ago.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a glass half full kind of guy and when Steve first got sick it kind of gave confirmation to my consistently dark view of life. I mean, of course this was happening, how else is life supposed to be? The worst part about it was the guilt I felt about it all. Not that I felt that I had done something to allow Steve to get sick, just that the only way I could see it was how it would effect me. I’ve spent the remainder of this year coming to the realization that thinking that way is perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean I’m some selfish person who only has the capability to think only of himself.

We’re coming up on Thanksgiving next week followed close behind by Christmas and New Years. I’ve also got my 30’Th high school reunion mixed in there too. Quite a bang to the end of the year. If I hadn’t stayed in Michigan and moved to Florida I wouldn’t have many of the “issues” I continue to have with this time of year. The holidays would be nothing to fear, there’d be nobody around and I’d just make them like any other day. Of course I’d only be fooling myself but I’d surely convince myself otherwise. As for the reunion, using the “I have to work” excuse would get me out of that. I’m sure I would have disappointed a few people but none more than myself.

See, the biggest thing about staying here was that it has forced me to live. I’ve spent so much time doing the complete opposite of that and was more than willing to head right back to that type of life but something made me stay. I’d love to believe that I looked fear in the eye and conquered it but, again, I’d probably be kidding myself. Whatever the reason was though has forced the issue. It’s forced me to get out from within myself and live. It’s made me accountable to family and friends in a way that I’ve had little experience at before. I’m not sure others can understand this but it’s really quite a challenge for me. Sometimes one needs a challenge.

So, things have actually been ok this year and, in a strange kind of way, I’m kinda looking forward to next year. Who knows, I might even allow myself to enjoy this living thing, it just might be worth the effort.

To all of you, I hope your holidays are everything you want them to be and I only ask one thing from each of you. Be nice to each other, it just makes things so much easier.

Why Didn't I Know This Then?

With my high school reunion coming up, we’ve been asked to write a bio telling everyone where we’ve been and what we’ve been up to for the last 30 years,. This is what I came up with:

I left Oak Park for the west coast at the end of June 1980. I arrived in San Diego on July fourth weekend without giving a thought to the city I left behind. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin back in school and I was convinced that most of my classmates either didn’t know who I was or worse yet, didn’t care. Those aren’t unusual thoughts for those going through their teen years. I did have friends but was never truly a part of any “clique” in school.

I spent around 25 years in California. I started working in a grocery store soon after arriving and took the career path to retail management that seemed like the right thing for me. I got married when I was 29 and divorced at 44. I am proud to have helped raise, what I believe, are three great kids who are now making there way in the adult world that we’ve all been forced to grow into at one point or another.

After my divorce I moved to Naples Florida where I continued working in retail management. I was there for just over two years and decided to move back to Michigan to be closer to my mother and sister. The question of why I would ever move back to Michigan after living in some of the most desirable cities in the country is one I’m asked quite frequently. The answer is one that is being shown to me more and more as each day goes by.

It’s many of you at this reunion right here. Before moving back to the Detroit area I had an opportunity to move back to Naples and continue my career with the same company I had worked for before moving back here in 2007. I really had a hard time making the decision, as the job opportunity I had here was nothing that I had aspired to. During this decision making process I learned something about myself. Though I hate to admit it, I like you guys and once in a while I get the feeling you like me too.

I found that there’s something to be said about old ties, new friends and stepping outside of ones comfort zone. I reacquainted myself with so many of you it’s sometimes dizzying. I have the opportunity to go out and see any number of you on a daily basis. I don’t always take advantage of that opportunity but it’s there if I want it and that’s a good feeling. I’ve also had the good fortune of getting to know some folks that I had never even dreamed of knowing back in school. I can’t describe how wonderful that is.

I’m always hearing from many of you how special it was growing up in Oak Park. How much more of a childhood we had than those from other communities. I never put much stock in that concept in all the years I was away. Coming back here, and especially moving back down into the Detroit area, I finally understand what you all meant. Oak Park was a great place to grow up, even if it took some of us more than 30 years to finally realize it.

Not Gonna Happen!

Little state of anxiety mixed in with a bit of sadness and a ton of confusion. I got a call last week from Shrink’s billing people telling me that my new insurance doesn’t cover her certifications. What that means is that I have no coverage any longer for my sessions and therefore, I can’t see how I’ll be able to continue seeing her. That may not sound like such a big deal to many but this is huge to me. When I hung up the phone I felt like I’d been hit in the stomach, like I’d had the wind knocked out of me.

I don’t know how to explain all that Shrink’s done for me. I can say without any doubt that I would not have stayed in Michigan if I hadn’t met up with her. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve seen numerous therapists throughout my life. I’ve never felt comfortable with any of them until now. I felt comfortable as soon as I walked into the office and was able to talk to her about things that I’ve only been able to write about before. I can say things to her that I would never, in a million years, say to anyone else. Like I said earlier, this was a huge setback for me. I need these sessions like I need to breathe. I cannot and will not start anew with a complete stranger.

When I’m on the couch, so to speak, it’s very similar to sitting in my chair with the computer on my lap. I go through many of the same emotions I do when I’m writing. It’s not always an easy thing to go through and it can be very exhausting. There are times, after a session, that I don’t even want to drive home just because of how worn out I feel. When I’m there it’s like I’m writing. The only difference is that it’s live and it can’t be edited for grammar. Actually, it is writing out loud.

Many of you that know me understand the differences between the person that writes the blog and the “public” person. I couldn’t possibly be the same person out and about in this world as I am when writing. I can’t imagine meeting someone that is so, I don’t know, emotional about every little thing. In Shrinks office, I’m that writing person and it’s an incredibly freeing feeling. It’s literally the same feeling as when I’ve finished a piece and posted it. The pressure is gone and I can go on about my business until something strikes me again.

I’ve had numerous occasions when someone that reads the blog will come up to me and want to talk about what I’ve written. That’s something that will never happen and this episode really does explain it well. The blog is my own Shrink, if you will, and when I speak to it it’s mine and mine alone. Just like when someone that’s seeing a therapist is asked about what they talked about, it’s a private matter. What I say in Shrinks office is private and nothing that I’d ever discuss in public. I would, however, have no problem writing about it. I know that sounds strange but that’s how it works for me.

We all have an inner monologue going on inside our heads all the time. Mine seems to just happen to demand more attention than others. That’s where the blog comes from and that’s where the need for therapy for millions of others comes from. When someone wants or needs to see a therapist I really believe that the best way to describe the reason is just that. Their inner “voice” is saying things to them that they can’t quite understand and need help interpreting. I’ve found, as I’ve explained in previous posts, that the writing helps in that interpretation. Seeing Shrink enhances and makes the interpretation even more clear. It also pushes me to look deeper than I want to for that very understanding I’m looking for. Suffice it to say; I can no more imagine my life without my writing as I could without Shrink.

I’ve spoken to Shrink and she’s trying to work out something with the insurance company and has told me not to worry, that something will be worked out one way or another. I know if there is truly no coverage she’d cut me a major deal on price but I’m not sure what I can afford. I’ll have to figure all the numbers out and find a way to make it work though cuz the alternative just aint gonna happen.

He Was My Friend

When I first got into management in the grocery industry, I was placed in an area of Los Angeles that, to say the least, was a bit on the diverse side of things. Well, diverse isn’t really correct, I was one of maybe three or four whites that were working in the district. I knew nobody and had no one to commiserate with about any issues that would normally arise in the grocery business.

On my first day I got a phone call from another Assistant Manager from a store that was close by. Keith introduced himself and offered his assistance in anyway he could help. It was very nice of him and I started depending on him immediately. I would call Keith at the drop of a hat asking about anything I had any questions about. If I needed product, Keith would supply it from his store. If I needed directions to a meeting or to another store, Keith would get me the info I needed. He truly helped me find my way in an area I knew nothing about. Keith and I would go to lunch when we could and sometimes dinner if we were working late. He became a friend and we seemed to get along real well. Keith was about a year younger than I and we had a good amount in common.

When I was transferred to a store in Redondo Beach, Keith was transferred to a store in Torrance that was close by. Shelly, my wife at the time, started working in the area and got to know Keith as well and we would sometimes all meet for lunch and just have a nice time together. We all got along real well. When Shelly and I moved to northern California I stayed in touch with Keith and would meet with him whenever I could while visiting down south and would often talk to him via phone from whatever store I was working at in the northern part of the state.

When I left Vons I didn’t talk to Keith as much as before and after my divorce I had lunch with him once and then moved out of state. I haven’t talked to Keith in almost five years. Shelly let me know that he left the company and I hadn’t heard anything about him since then.

Shelly sent me a text message the other morning telling me that Keith had a massive stroke in his sleep and that he had no brain activity. They were taking him off life support, she thought, that day. Keith was 47 years old and had a 15-year-old daughter. I know this piece doesn’t have any kind of flow and it may not be one of my better pieces grammar wise but I just wanted to get a quick message out to all of you.

My friend died the other day and I don’t think I ever told him how much he helped me during a major transitional time in my life. Once again, someone has slipped through the cracks of my existence without getting the proper credit he deserved from, in this instance, me. So the message I want to give to all of you is the same as I’ve said before and I don’t want any of you to forget it: Thank you for being who you all are. You have all done more for me than I could ever put in words and I will be forever grateful for every moment I have had the immense pleasure of knowing each and every one of you. I can’t stand the idea that Keith never knew how important he was to me at a very critical stage of my life and I don’t ever want to make that mistake again.

Four Lads Who Shook The World

I went to You Tube a little while ago to search for a song/video to post on my Facebook page. See, today marks the release of the entire “Beatles” collection in a re-mastered digital format. Supposed to be incredible sound so I know it’s something I will try to add to my collection on a piece by piece basis. Anyway, I found it incredibly difficult to pick one that would be the perfect song to put on my page. Not because it wouldn’t be the right song, it’s much simpler than that.

See, every time I would pick a song and would be listening to it, I would have another song pop into my head. The Beatles recorded 214 songs between the years 1962 and 1970 and I’m thinking that you and I probably not only like but also know the words to well over 95% of them. They were and still are the most popular musical act in the history of popular music. There will be a number of people who may argue with me on that last point and I will defend my stance to my last breath. I say that for a few different reasons, the first, and most compelling, is that they simply changed the world we live in.

Pretty heavy statement, I know, but let’s just think about it for a second. In the mid sixties, long hair on men became popular. Who do you think made that happen? Fashion changed dramatically in that decade. The Beatles were at the forefront of this change. The Beatles started releasing promotional videos of their songs in the mid sixties, 15 years before anyone ever heard of MTV. Remember how you used to love listening to an album and reading the lyrics that were included with the album? Well, guess who was the first to ever do that? Bottom line, ask anyone over 30 who John Paul George and Ringo are and they’ll tell you. Turn that around and ask anyone over 30 to name all four Beatles, they’ll be able to tell you that too.

Musically they were much more than just a pop band. The Beatles were the first band to use electric keyboards and synthesizers in their music. The writing team of Lennon and McCartney were, without question, the greatest songwriting team in popular music history. The songs still stand on their own to this day. Let’s talk about those songs for a bit. Well, that’s where this whole piece started, where does one begin with a catalogue like theirs?

Do you just look at their beginning? You certainly couldn’t go wrong with songs like: I Saw Her Standing There, Please, Please Me and Love Me Do. All nice, clean pop ditties that we all know, all released in the U.S. in 1964. In the same year, just to show you how much the song writing matured, they also released songs such as: No Reply, I’m A Loser and If I Fell. The latter two incredibly deep songs for a band thought to be just a fad that would wear out their welcome at any time. They also filmed “A Hard Days Night” and released the soundtrack during the same year.

The following year the movie “Help” was released. Some of the songs on in the film included: Ticket To Ride, You’re Gonna Lose That Girl and You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away along with the title track. So far, all songs that everyone, including your parents, knows by heart. At this point if the band never released anything else in their careers they would still be remembered for the impact they had on popular culture along with the music. We all know they were just beginning. Keep in mind that the group basically invented the album. By that I mean that, until The Beatles, albums contained one hit and filler, songs that really weren’t worthwhile and few even listened to. The Beatles, on the other hand could have released most every song they recorded as a single. There simply weren’t any bad songs.1965 also brought the release of my personal favorite album of theirs, Rubber Soul. There isn’t one song on the album that I don’t absolutely adore. I’ll only list a few, I’ve Just Seen A Face, You Won’t See Me, It’s Only Love and In My Life. All outstanding songs that still can hold their own to this day.

To save some time I’m going to skip 1966 and go straight to the album that other albums would be measured against for years. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Simply a masterpiece. If I need to list any of the songs on this album, well, you just don’t know music. Two songs that were recorded during the time of this album, yet not released on any album until after the band broke up, were Strawberry Fields and Penny Lane. They were released as a single with one being on the flip side of the other. Think about that, two of the most popular songs in music were released as a single together. They did this a number of times in their day. Truly giving fans real value for their money.

I could go through each album released by The Beatles and give a solid argument of how amazing the band was. I won’t because I find it hard to believe that there could be any argument to the contrary. You can take any music recorded by any popular artist since The Beatles and find their influence. You can’t say that about any other artist. In Liverpool, where the band came from, is a monument. It’s a statue of the group with the inscription, “Four lads who shook the world”. How can anyone deny that.

Making A Real Nice Groove In The Chair

I’ve really got to do something about this malaise I’ve been friendly with for the last couple weeks. All I’ve been doing, besides working, is sitting around the house and eating way more food than I should. I talk myself into thinking that I’m justified in my lack of leaving my chair but I know I’m just kidding myself. I’ve got a three-day weekend that I’m in the middle of and the only time I left the house yesterday was to go grocery shopping.

There were a few options open to me yesterday. There’s a jazz festival going on downtown and some big art shindig over in Pontiac that’s supposed to be a good time. I made sure to stay non-committal in my plans until well past the time anyone I would have gone out with had already left for the evening. I do that a lot, always have. Of course I’ve consistently convinced myself that I was too busy and that the day just got away from me, while the reality is always there and I know I’ve avoided the making of any plans on purpose. Yesterday’s excuse was that I wanted to watch football on the first real day of the college season. If there weren’t any football on I would have found another reason to ensure my not enjoying myself.

A friend of mine that lives on one of the lakes around here is having a beach party at his place this weekend. Normally I’d have spent the last week or so trying to talk myself out of going and would have probably ended up going anyway. When the invite came last week I looked at the guest list and immediately knew there was no way I’d be able to go. I sent the RSVP back with a maybe but, again, I knew I was just fooling myself. There were too many people going that I didn’t know and the comfort level would not have been anything near acceptable for me.

So I do this to myself and then feel this incredible jealousy when I see or hear of the good time anyone is having. How weird is that? I used to do that as a kid too. Friends would have something they wanted to do and I’d find a way out of it and then feel actual anger over the idea that they were enjoying themselves. Where’s the logic there? I turn down the opportunity to have a good time and get upset that others are having fun. You know, it’s one thing to make yourself crazy about the dumbest things, it’s quite another to do it on purpose. As I’ve stated before, sometimes it’s such a chore.

There are so many instances throughout my life where I’ve avoided the whole prospect of having fun only to regret it later. I don’t know if regret is the right word, well yeah, I guess it is. I’ll end up beating myself up over what seems to be the fear of my own shadow yet I simply refuse to get out of the sun, if you know what I mean. Well, the sun’s supposed to be out today and I’ll see what I can do about having a laugh or two with friends. All right, I’ll make a few calls. Ok, maybe I’ll just think about it…

A Little Effort On My Part Wouldn't Hurt

I guess things have been going ok since I’ve moved down to the Detroit area. I’m working, seeing people on a regular basis and I’ve seen more Tiger games and concerts than I can count. It’s nice to be relatively close to a number of things to do and see. You’d think I’ve got everything one could possibly want. Well, you know me; I couldn’t possibly be satisfied with my lot.

Ok, that’s not really the right thing to say. Something within myself just isn’t right. I woke up a few days ago to get ready for work and I swear, the first clear thought that came into my head was telling me how great it would feel to throw some stuff in the car and just take off. I hopped in the shower, got ready for work and still, I kept thinking how easy it would be to just go. Where? Who knows? Why? Who cares? I’m just feeling like I’m being pushed down towards the ground. Kind of like fighting gravity and I’m not really sure how long I can, or want to keep pushing back. It’s really a strange feeling to explain, I just, I don’t know.

I was driving around the other day just trying to clear out my head for a while and found myself near the zoo. I’m normally not a big fan of zoos, I’ve always said the only thing I ever got out of them were sore feet, but decided to walk around there for a while. There’s something to be said for being all-alone in a crowd. There’s been numerous times in my life that I’ve felt that way emotionally but this was the first time in a while I was actually trying to be a alone in a crowd. It’s kind of nice being by yourself and being able to listen to others converse and have no expectations to give your thoughts on whatever they may be talking about.

I don’t know what it is about the whole concept of expectations that both bothers and frightens me so much. I’ve spent most of my life fighting against any that were ever had of me. I must say it’s certainly something I’ve been incredibly good at. I remember, as a kid, I would find out what anyone expected of me and do everything possible to ensure my failure at satisfying that goal. I wanted, so badly, to not go along with what others wanted or thought but wouldn’t dare want to stand up and say it. That might cause some sort of confrontation and I’m really bad at that. So, I always made my rebellion something that would stand up with my own version of logic rather than against anyone in particular. I still find myself doing that today.

I have such a hard time finding the middle ground of being social in my life. I moved here because I really needed to be around people. I’m now finding myself almost afraid to see them. All the old questions come into play: will they still like me the more they know me? Why would they? Etc… I know, to most people, this is all so ridiculous. There’s also a huge part of me that sees it the same way. Lately though the fears are getting more of a stronghold than I’d like. I’ve avoided people like the plague. I had my Fantasy Football draft last night and was invited to a party I could have gone to afterwards. My original plan, two weeks ago, was to go to the party after the draft was over. Midway through the draft I started getting the jitters and found a way to get away early and headed home. I couldn’t even consider the concept of going to be around more people, it scared me to no end.

I know, when I’m thinking logically, that nobody has any expectations of me that I wouldn’t have for myself and friends have even less than that. It’s the thinking logically part that seems to be resting more and more lately and I’m working on waking it up. I know that I and I alone do these things to myself. My therapist says it must be exhausting analyzing every thing I do or say before the fact and she’s probably right. Maybe I just need a little rest from all the ciphering. Think I’ll work on that next.

Boy Could He Play Guitar

In1976 Peter Frampton released an album that ensured that his life would never be the same. “Frampton Comes Alive” was easily the best selling album of the year and made Frampton a mega star. He was everywhere. You couldn’t turn on a radio or television without ether seeing or hearing him or something about him. The sad part about it, and I’ve written about it before, is that it almost made listening to him intolerable for many years. The other consequence of becoming the superstar he became was that it changed who he was and what he was about musically.

Peter Frampton is a guitar player and a mighty fine one at that. He’s not only a really good player; he’s ridiculously underrated at it too. I really believe that if the live album didn’t achieve the heights that it did, he’d be considered one of the top five or so guitarists of his era. That’s the problem with his becoming a pop star, people stopped taking him seriously as a musician. It’s truly a loss to the public that we all shut him out of our musical tastes so many years ago.

I saw Frampton at Meadowbrook Theater last night and really enjoyed the show. Opening with a song by Junior Walker and The All Stars and closing with George Harrison’s “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” is something you don’t normally hear from an artists with as large a catalogue as his. He did the obligatory numbers from the live album and his cover of Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” was spot on, as you’d expect. What Peter Frampton mostly did last night though, was play the guitar.

A few years ago he won a Grammy Award for best pop instrumental album. He played a few songs from that album along with a couple from his as yet to be released new cd and you could just see what it did for him. He played guitar. He made it seem that it was what he was born to do. I looked him up on the web the other day and found he was self-taught. That’s impressive but a number of folks have done that. When you see that he taught himself at the age of eight, well, you can see how I’m moved by it. Even with the encore of the Harrison song, he had a good 10-minute “jam” with the band that though seemed effortless for him, was some pretty nifty work. He also played an instrumental version of Sound Garden’s “Black Hole Sun” that was really pleasant on the ears.

I normally get incredibly bored whenever I’m at a show when the band goes into those long swooning guitar solos that were a staple of most concerts I went to as a kid. This was different though. Peter Frampton sings with his guitar, and as stated already, he does it really well. Though he played numerous musical passages throughout the night, I never found myself getting restless. He played like it was meant to be and he played it without the fanfare or ego that normally comes with it. He just seemed to be in a really good place musically and looked like he really was enjoying himself. I was too.

More Complex Than It Seems

There are numerous problems that arise when someone writes the way I do. The blog has gotten more personal as my thoughts have focused more and more on the life I’ve lived and all the issues and challenges, real or imagined, that I’ve dealt with. I’ve pretty much laid out, for public review, everything I think and more importantly, I believe, how I feel. I have never hidden anything about myself to whomever feels the urge to read, and or comment about who or what I’m about. I’ve written about why I write, about how when I have any kind of stress or pressure I have an absolute need to write.

I’ve introduced my family, friends, and even my ex wife to the readers of this blog and I’ve never had any reason to ever believe I would feel the way I do right now. I’ve run into something that I simply can’t be completely honest about and I don’t know what to do about that. I’ve run into this dilemma that has not only confused me but has shaken me to my very core and I’m screaming inside to let it out and I don’t know how to go about doing that.

The reason I am so conflicted is because the things that have literally knocked me on my ass have not only happened to me, but to family members as well and I could never take the liberty of putting their private life up for public inspection. I truly could not care less about what others think of me after reading the things I write about myself. Of course I enjoy it when others say nice things about something I’ve done but even if they all thought I was completely off my rocker, I’d still keep writing the same way I always have. I cannot, however, assume that others involved in certain things feel the same way.

I have truly never run across this type of situation, when it comes to my writing and it’s leaving me with no real release and that’s truly not a good thing. I need to write my screams, my fears, my laughter and even my tears, yet if I did, others in my family may feel hurt or embarrassed by it. I will say that everyone is as well as can be expected and we’re all hoping things only get better but it isn’t going to happen overnight. This is really going to take some time and my emotional release for the last four years or so has been this blog. I don’t know how much of a release I can get by censoring myself. Some serious thought and reflection needs to go into this. Trust me, it’s not as simple as just not posting, if it were there’d be no issue at all.

Rock n Roll Saves The Day

I had to be at work this morning at 4:00. That’s never been a fun time to start working. It means I’m up at 2:30 to get ready and get in the car for the drive. Being in retail, I’ve worked all kinds of crazy hours, of course, working the normal day shifts have always been preferable.

When I started in this wonderful business I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to get away from I was in San Diego and would work from one in the morning until 10. I’d go home from work and, being in my 20’s, it was no big deal to stay up the rest of the day. I’d party with my roommates, go to the beach or just generally hang out until about seven or eight at night. I’d then take a short snooze, a few hours at best, and get ready to do it all again. No big deal, living on three hours a night.

Wow, have thing changed. I normally get to work now at 5:30 so you would think an hour and a half difference wouldn’t be that big of a deal, wrong! I felt a step behind all day. Just couldn’t catch up with myself all day long. The more into my workday I got, the more my back hurt or my legs would feel like they weighed a ton. Then, of course, my head started playing games with me. You know, mid life and what have I done with myself, why didn’t I stay in school, how come that kid doesn’t seem as wiped out as I am when we both came into work at the same time, did I leave the coffee pot on. Ugh!

The workday ended and I was feeling old and useless and I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and never get out again. I got into the car and started it up. I turned on the radio and the all news station started telling me the world’s problems. Oh no, the mood I was in was certainly not conducive to listening to this kind of stuff. I needed to get myself up. I had to make myself believe that I wasn’t finished, that I wasn’t too old to keep up with the kids. That I hadn’t turned into the old man my father was at my age.

I started flipping around the radio stations looking for a little juice that the local stations might be able to provide. No luck. Either the songs were too new or just plain not loud and hard enough to put a little spirit back into this old soul of mine. I turned on the satellite radio and started pushing the buttons on that, boy, talk about 57 channels and nothing on, this was dreadful. With my satellite radio you can see what song is playing and the artist on the little screen. I kept running through the stations to, what seemed, no avail. Then I saw it.

Across the screen I saw the words “Mama Kin”, a song on the very first Aerosmith album from way back in 1973. It’s a definite rocker and would certainly cure my ills. I hit the button to get to that station and all I heard were the last couple notes before a different song by a different artist came on. Damn! Mind you, I was still in the parking lot at work. My car, being the mess that I keep it, has a ton of cd’s in it. They’re just strewn all over the place. I know I have that cd, I wondered if it was in the car. After searching the cd’s in the front seat with no luck, I got out of the car, opened one of the back doors and climbed in to search under the seats, there it was: my treasure of the Sierra Madre, as it were. Aerosmith’s first album.

I put the cd in, rolled down the windows, turned the volume way up and as the first few bars of “Mama Kin” came out of the speakers I headed home. As each song on the cd played I seemed to feel a little better. By the end of the cd I was just pulling into my driveway. It sort of fit just right. I no longer felt totally exhausted, yeah, I was still tired but I was still able to take Lucky out for our walk up to DQ and get a Blizzard. I came home, played around on the computer and watched the game. Not an incredibly taxing evening but I did have the ride home to remind me that no matter what your age or physical condition is, you’re never too old to rock n roll. It was a needed lesson

Shakin All Over

“Nervous tension, mans invention
is the biggest killer that’s around today.
Let the tension out or it will build and build
And sadly strike you down some day.”

Very strange feeling came over me today. Out of the blue I just had this sense of impending trouble. That’s not really how it is, let me see, it’s like I feel as if the, excuse the language, proverbial shit is about to hit the fan. Really weird, I feel as if someone’s ready to pop out from behind the next wall I pass and crush me. I truly can’t think of anything I’ve screwed up on, well, except for all the stuff I’m always blaming myself for but that’s normal. This is different.

My heart feels like it’s beating so hard that it’s about to rip right through my chest. I stopped at the store on the way home to get something and went to the blood pressure machine and it showed it to be much higher than it normally is. What the hell is this all about?

“Valium helped me for a while
but somehow Valium always seems
to bring me down. There’s no pill I can
recommend whose side effects aren’t
guaranteed to send you round the bend”.

Ok, it’s now the next day and I kinda figured out what the anxiety was all about. See, there was a comedian in town that I wanted to see and I told a number of people about it, while letting them know the details of it so they could join me if they wanted to. Well, it soon became much bigger than I wanted it to. At one point I had received 13 emails from different people saying they would see me there. Those kinds of numbers, though kind of asked for by me, made me really uncomfortable.

I don’t know why it made me so nervous but I swear, it happens way too often. I have no idea what there is to be afraid of, if that’s the right word. I spent most of the day yesterday thinking of ways I could get out of going at all. I literally argued with myself the entire time I was at work. I kept telling myself that I really wanted to see the performer so why would I punish myself by not going? On the other hand, the beating I gave myself all day and the day before was just as bad, if not worse.

What did I have to be nervous about? Nothing at all, of course. I’ve always had a hard time going anywhere to meet a group of people but I’ve always been able to deal with it in a fashion that the only time I would feel really off balance about it was in the car on the way there. Lately though it’s been getting harder and harder to contain the nerves into that short little time frame of the drive. I’ve been working on this for quite a while and it only seems to be getting worse. How can it be that I let the world know about something, then get all crazy inside if they want to enjoy it as much as I? Headin up to the shrink today, I’m sure we’ll talk about this for a bit. Jeez, sometimes it’s such a chore.

By the way, the two sets of lyrics are from a Kinks song called “National Health”. I tried to find it to put it on the playlist for the blog but it’s not available.

Where Was The Turning Point?

Went to lunch with a few people I knew as kids yesterday, two of which I hadn’t seen since we were kids. We’ve been in contact online though so it wasn’t like meeting a total stranger. That’s so much easier, you know, chatting up people online before actually seeing and talking to them again. You’ve already found the common ground needed to start and move any conversation forward. It was good to see everyone, as usual, and we all seemed to have a nice lunch along with good conversation.

Of course seeing these folks brings along with it memories of youth and the commonalities we all shared. Same schools, hang outs, etc… What we always find ourselves talking about more than anything else of course, are the people we all knew. They could be teachers we shared or had heard about, all the parents we knew of each other’s friends and most importantly the old friends themselves. Have you heard from so and so or did you hear what happened to so and so. This so and so character is easily the most popular person brought up in these conversations. It’s always good to hear when someone you knew back then is doing well and living the promised life of youth, it’s also pretty tragic to hear of those that haven’t fared so well.

There’s always the kids that you remember as the ones, when you think about them, you always thought would end up in trouble or dead at an early age. It’s really not that shocking to find how spot on your thoughts were when it comes to a number of these folks. It’s also a very pleasant surprise to find those that you saw as little else but future prisoners having, at some point, turned their lives around and are now productive members of society. Of course there’s the complete opposite of that. The ones you remember as the “good” kids that have somehow taken that wrong turn in that road we all come to a few times in our lives. I know I’ve had that opportunity to make that wrong turn myself and though I may not have taken the turn that could have led to great success in whatever one does, has indeed kept me out of the perils that many have faced. Granted, it’s probably my fear of taking any chances at all that has kept me out of both the great success and the trouble that I’m talking about.

Once in a while I’ll go to a web site of whatever states prison system I happen to be thinking of and will punch in the names of those that I thought may have taken up residence in a state facility. It rarely surprises me to see how correct I’ve been in these thoughts I’ve had of these folks. I think about the time spent with these guys and remember thinking, even back then, how these kids were going to end up in trouble. It’s weird; I was never concerned for myself. I knew I wouldn’t get into any situation that would lead to that type of life yet I knew a number of these kids wouldn’t have the wherewithal to make sure the fate that awaited them wasn’t a sure thing.

I often wonder what it would be like to sit down and talk to some of these guys today and share memories. I’d like to see how theirs differed from mine. Was their a time when they simply gave up and said, I’m going to break into this house even though they knew the odds of getting caught were great? I’d love to ask them questions like that among many others. How does the same kid that used to come over in the middle of winter and just hang around all day smoking cigarettes and ordering pizza from Primo’s end up with such a different life than me? We were all kids once; we all did the same things back then. At what point did either of us come to that fork in the road that gave them the opportunity to make such a horrible choice? We all have regrets, some more than others. Theirs, however, have to be so much deeper than any regret those that haven’t faced such a life have to face. I mean, they were just kids too, hanging out at my house or your house. Where did it all cave in on them?

Sometimes You Just Know

I was driving up to East Lansing to see my therapist the other day and was thinking, once again, about how fortunate I’ve been in the last number of months. Reconnecting with so many people, chatting with them daily, be it online, by phone or in person. It’s brought so many things into my head that, like I’ve stated on numerous occasions, it becomes quite overwhelming. Something that really hit me while driving is how young we all still are. Imagine our parents at this age doing and talking about the things we do.

I told my therapist that I had an epiphany on the drive. I said it suddenly hit me why I really like this whole Facebook thing. I said it’s a lot like High School and I never participated in these games that are so prevalent on the site way back when. What I mean by that is not to say I was above that kind of thing, I just never hung around the school. I wasn’t popular by any stretch of the imagination and, I am here. It’s a nice feeling. Granted, it’s all kind of a fluke. By that I mean that it’s a great deal easier to spew out my thoughts or comments from here in my chair than it would be in person. If I had just started showing up places without knowing these people I doubt I’d have said a word. This way they’ve gotten to know me, and I them, long before I have to put on that face we all put on when we are out and about.

The relationships I’ve developed on Facebook are almost like when you start having a crush on someone. You know how that goes, there’s nothing anyone can say about the one you’re falling for that could possibly make you feel any less enamored of them. After a while that feeling fades and faults are found. The goal here is to keep those faults hidden long enough so those that are close feel they’ve invested too much to just go away. I know I’ve thought about what could happen when the newness of all of this wears off and I sincerely hope the relationships developed continue on.

Going back to the high school reference, as more and more people have hopped on the Facebook train, certain cliques have developed. 30 years ago the only clique I felt I could possibly fit into was that of the few friends I had that wouldn’t think any less of me for just getting high and watching television, certainly not the popular group. Here, on Facebook, I’m in that popular clique. I’ve actually found myself not talking to some simply because they aren’t part of said clique. That’s horrible I know but like I said, it’s just like being back in school. I’ve become friends with people, outside of the Internet, that certainly weren’t friends with me years ago.

It’s kind of like redemption for me in a way. As a teen, I would see the people that were a year or two older and wonder why we couldn’t hang out together, be friends, confide in each other. I always thought that I had something that could interest them. Most, if not all these kids were friends with my brothers. That alone, as kids, is more than enough of a reason for me not to belong in their circle of friends. As one gets older, age makes those sibling complications disappear. Just getting older has given me this redemption I believe I have been seeking all these years. I had such a hard time understanding it back then and, yes, it feels good to be proven right, as it were.

Like I said at the top, I feel so lucky to have this virtual world to live in right now. I’ve got friends, literally, around the world because of it. I have had numerous conversations with people who have downplayed their use of Facebook as just something to pass the time. I feel far different than that. I have told many of you and I will continue to say that Facebook has changed my life. I have developed close relationships with so many people that the normal life I’d lived for the past five years has made a complete circle. I go out on a regular basis, never did that before. I look forward to my time away from work just to be able to socialize with friends, never did that before either. This is very real to me and I can’t repeat enough how much it has done for me inside.

Can It Get Any Darker?

I don’t know why it is but sometimes, out of nowhere, a sudden dark cloud descends upon me. I’ll just be going about my normal every day routine and something hits me like a ton of bricks and I’ll start to tear up. I mentioned it to my therapist and I guess it’s something we’ll delve into more in the future. It’s a pretty strange thing about my seeing someone in that capacity. I feel like I need to be there more often than I am. I think that if the insurance would pay for it, I’d try to see her at least one more time a week. I don’t know what it is but I can do a complete blowout there and not feel uncomfortable doing it. I’m pretty much an open book about who I am and what I’m about but she finds the things I’m still keeping under wraps and it doesn’t bother me in the least when she asks about them. It’s really comfortable there.

I’m not gonna lie, my staying in Michigan, in large part, was because of how I felt while talking to her. I had just started seeing her and was on the verge of moving and began feeling that there was too much unfinished business with her. I’ve been to more therapists than you can imagine and this is the first one who’s simple diagnosis isn’t “Well, you shouldn’t feel that way”. She puts a great deal of emphasis on my writing as therapy and feels it’s the real catalyst to my feeling better. We talk a lot about this new life I’ve become a part of and she seems to get why it’s so hard for me to deal with. I think her biggest task is to help me understand what it is about myself that I find so hard to like.

I am absolutely convinced that if I were someone else, and met me, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that. I know, most people have things about them they would like to change or simply wish wasn’t a part of their makeup. I, on the other hand, am constantly looking for that one thing I wouldn’t change. I’m mostly talking about my mental makeup. I can’t explain it but it’s obviously why I’m having such a hard time dealing with this influx of friends I’ve attained over the last number of months. It’s also why I have such a problem when folks talk to me about my writing.

I spend a great deal of time talking about this with my, for lack of a better word, shrink. The only answer I can give her when she asks why it’s so hard to believe someone would be interested in listening to what I have to say or want to be around me is the simple belief that, to put it bluntly, I’m a dick. I find myself, for instance, reading something I’ve written and wonder if any of it is real. I mean can anybody be such a downer? Do I just imagine these thoughts and write them down? Worst of all, I sometimes wonder if it’s all just to get some attention.

I was writing back and forth with one of these new friends and told her what makes it seem so strange to me. Why would I open myself up so much to the world and invite them all in to this insane thought process of mine, when the moment they attempt to get close enough to see inside I close the doors and windows and bring as many walls between them and I that I possibly could. Again, something my once a week friend and I are talking about.

I think that dark cloud has spent enough time with me this evening. It’s time to take an Ambien and try to sleep it off. I’m really tired.

The Heart Of The Matter

I’ve been writing this blog for right around three years now. What started as a letter to the editor of a local newspaper has become, oddly enough, one of the two or three major items in my life. I never had any intention of writing anything after the letter, though I must admit, I loved seeing it in print the next day. I was fascinated by the emotions and comments other readers had about my beliefs on the subject I wrote in about. (It was a pro gay marriage piece). I created the blog only because I wanted my friends and family to see the letter and it was the easiest way to do that.

I think I continued writing simply out of loneliness. I had been recently divorced, living in Florida with nobody to talk to except my dog and the computer. I would write about politics, music and eventually, me. I found that if something was bothering me either personally or emotionally, I would be able to breathe a little easier once I released it into this virtual world we’ve all started to live in. It was relatively easy to get real personal on it because I was in a place where nobody knew me and the family and friends around the country couldn’t see me. I loved the anonymity of it all.

I started to branch out a little and told a few people I worked with and the few friends I had down there about it and would send them the link whenever I would post something new. It was pretty cool getting feedback from them about what I was writing about. There were very few posts that were personal so it was pretty easy listening to what they had to say. If I did get deep at all it would be about my youth or friends I had in Michigan. I would also write about the many years I lived in California. Again, they really couldn’t relate so I still maintained that anonymity factor.

When I moved to Michigan my writing seemed, at least to me, to make a natural progression. I started writing more and more about my feelings and got deeper and deeper into myself. I was still pretty much alone friend wise, I mean, I had a few friends and would come down to the Detroit area once or twice a month to do things with them but nobody that would ever read or comment about the blog. It was very safe and I spent a little over a year in Michigan staying in my little corner and writing while still in a hiding place that never made me answer to those that had been a part of my life all those years ago. I know this sounds ridiculous but since getting to know all these folks again I somehow feel like I almost have to please them with the things I write and that, literally, scares me to death.

I don’t write because I want to. I don’t write because I think I have something to say that matters. I write because I have to. Again, I know how outlandish that sounds but it’s so true. It’s my Xanax. I write to feel better. I get this nervousness in me or an excitement in me or any kind of feeling that can cause any kind of pressure and all I can think of at that time is that I have to get to my keyboard. It’s my crack as it were. Under most circumstances writing is not a pleasant time for me. When I do the digging into myself that I do it’s incredibly uncomfortable. I run through the entire gamut of emotions from anger to tears and even laughter. I can’t tell you how many times, while writing something, I have to stop for a minute and compose myself. It’s the type of pain that you feel when you have a bad tooth. You know it’s going to hurt if you put your tongue on it but you keep doing it anyways.

I have many readers that I do not know. I’ve received emails from literally all over the world talking about something I’ve posted. I always like the comments and the feedback. Once again, I would still be hidden away because I had no idea who was writing so if I wrote something they didn’t like it wouldn’t matter. Now that I’ve reconnected with all these people that I knew as a kid, the readership has grown accordingly. It also means that I now know many of those that read my stuff and who’s writing the comments.

There are many positive things about the whole idea of friends reading about me and my problems. There are also many things about it that I’m not so sure about. These friends are now seeing a part of me they’ve never seen before. I’m showing a vulnerability that is rarely shown by people in my age group. If someone reads my writing and hasn’t seen me in many years they must think I’m this totally morose character that rarely smiles. When I’m out and about with people that I know have read my stuff I can’t help but feel a bit odd. Almost like there are expectations. It really is a strange feeling.

I know this sounds like I think I’m some major voice, please believe me, I don’t. In fact, I have an incredibly hard time thinking anyone really cares about what I write about. It kinda freaks me out when someone tells me that something I’ve posted has touched him or her in any way. To think that I have created something that means something to others is something I’m not sure I can grasp. It simply makes no sense to me. I look and see that some folks have actually bought the books I’ve finished and it’s rather embarrassing. What could they possibly get out of my bitching and moaning about my life? This is one of those two plus two equal five type things. I just can’t figure it out and it sometimes truly overwhelms me.

So the obvious question is why post the things I do? It’s really hard to explain. I have to, I know that makes no sense but it’s like therapy to me. After I’ve written something and posted it the weight on my chest is much lighter. I can breathe again. It makes me feel real and whole and that’s something I need to do, feel real and whole.

Ticking

I was driving up to East Lansing the other night and was tired of listening to the satellite radio, by the way, they seem to have the same play lists we used to listen to and get tired of when we were kids. Anyway, I grabbed a cd and was listening to it for a while when the song “Ticking” by Elton John came on. I’m not going to explain the song to you, if you know it, great, if not, it’s on the playlist to the right of the blog you’re reading. Again, anyway, it got me thinking about situations similar to that talked about in the song. There’s a part of the song that goes:

“So what was it that brought the squad cars
Screaming up your drive.
To notify your parents of the manner
In which you died.”

It got me thinking about the parents of those that commit these horrendous crimes we seem to have a monopoly on here in this country. I know, stuff happens in other countries too, but let’s be honest with ourselves here, it happens here more than anywhere else.

Let’s lose the percentage of those that kill that come from abusive families and things of that ilk, I understand that extenuating circumstances and social environment play a big part in this kind of stuff, not excusing it, just willing to understand it for my current purpose. I want to talk about the ones that come from families like yours and mine. They’re out there by the hundreds, maybe thousands.

The thing that really gets to me is the parents of those that do these things. Can you imagine what the emotion was the moment they found out what their offspring had done? I mean, look at the parents of the two kids that did the Columbine thing. Seemingly decent families, parents at work one day and they get this phone call telling them that their child, their baby has just done the most unspeakable thing you can possibly think of. I just find that amazing.

My kids were no angels, who’s are? But never in my wildest dreams would I expect that type of call or knock on the door. It’s every parent’s nightmare. I remember a time when the police knocked on our door in the middle of the night and the sheer panic that Shelly and I felt until we were assured that nobody was hurt and that all they needed was for us to drive up to a park where our son was with some friends past curfew so we could drive him home.

You raise your kids as well as you can and you hope for the best. I don’t believe any parent, well any of the type I’m talking about, doesn’t want and expect their kids to grow up to be productive citizens. Yet these things happen and, as we should, we always focus on the victims of these senseless crimes. I think I’m of the opinion that the family of the criminal is also a victim. No, not in the same way but they’ve also just lost a family member.

In my mind, I keep going back to the Columbine shootings. Not only their neighbors but also society as a whole have ostracized the Klebold and Harris families. All they did, and I’m not downplaying it, was not pay attention to their kids all the time. It’s easy, as non-victims, to say they should have known more or seen the signals but I think that’s ridiculous. Honestly, if you’re the parents of teens do you really know what they’re doing all the time? If you say yes to that then you’re blinder than any of these folks I’m talking about.

Yes I weep for the victims of these types of crimes, as we all should, I also feel just as bad for the families of those that committed the crime. They’ve also just lost their child, their baby and for some their very reason for being. These things are tragedies on so many levels. Don’t think for a second that the Klebold or Harris families didn’t love their kids, and don’t pretend that these families aren’t just as victimized by the terror brought upon us by their children. Imagine what it’d be like to turn on the news one day and see your child as the perpetrator. I kind of get the feeling that your legs would give out on you, you’d lose the ability to breathe for a bit and your life would be changed just as much, if not more, as the victims families simply because it’s your child that caused this pain in so many.

It's getting Better All The Time

I’m in the new place and have started the new job. I won’t have furniture for another week which means I’m sleeping on the floor. The conditions I’m finding myself in right now remind me a great deal of the three years I spent living in Las Vegas in the mid 80’s. In the entire time I lived there I never had a bed and slept on the floor the whole time. I’ll grant you, things are a bit different for me than they were back then. Mid 20’s compared to late 40’s being the least of the differences.

When I first went to Vegas I had literally broken down completely. There wasn’t one thing in my life that I didn’t despise and would have welcomed being hit by a truck while walking across the street. I had just been through the one and only heartbreak I’ve allowed myself to suffer through and was truly confused about the what, where’s, how’s and why’s of life. Obviously four things I still haven’t come close to figuring out. I had a job and I had the sports book at the Palace Station Casino and, truth be told, I don’t think it would have been possible to handle anything else. I got rid of my car and rode a bicycle wherever I needed to go. If family came to town and wanted to meet at a Casino for dinner, I rode my bike and used the valet parking for it. It was kind of cool.

I got my first Walkman while living there and got heavily into the band REM and would listen to the tape of “Fables Of The Reconstruction” pretty much every day. I made a few friends while there, knowing that these were people I’d never see again if and when given the opportunity. At the time, people that lived there did little else but gamble and drink and I pretty much don’t drink. I did and still do like to gamble but I’ve always been pretty good at stopping when it becomes too much. I did have a roommate, someone I met at work, but he stole a good amount of money from me, quit his job and was never heard from again. That’s a pretty good example of the kind of people that populated the city back then.

The one good feeling I did have living there was the belief that things were gonna start looking up. Besides sleeping on the floor that’s the only other thing that’s the same as my life back then. I’ve made this huge, and I can’t stress how huge, decision to move down to the Detroit area instead of moving to Florida and yeah, it’s only been a week but I think it’ll be ok. I know I’ll have my down days and times when I’d rather be anywhere but living the life I’m living. There is, however, this feeling, this knowing that it’s going to be all right. I’ve still got the itch to leave, it hasn’t gotten any weaker since I decided to stay, but I’ve got a lot more holding me here than I’ve ever had anywhere else. More friends than I ever dreamed of. Yeah, it is getting better all the time. Thanks guys.

I Think He's Done This Before

What a great concert. I went down to the show with a couple friends, neither of whom knew anything about Todd Rundgren except for a song or two they’ve heard on the radio. We got to the “fair” about an hour or so before he was set to start so we walked around a bit and I bought some unidentifiable potato dish that most certainly will never pass my lips again and we went into the area of the show and looked for some good seats. We were fortunate to find three in the ninth row and we sat down and waited for the music to start.

Being an outdoor event, we could see the bus that the band was in behind the stage. Once they started coming out and up the stairs to the stage the long time Rundgren fans started going crazy. There are a few different types of people that attend these kinds of shows. Those that know nothing about the artist, those that know a hit or two and then there are the real fans. The “real” Todd Rundgren fans were quite obvious in the crowd. As he entered from the stairs in the back of the stage the adulation was comparable to a teeny -bopper show from the early 70’s. I get that, I really do. This guy’s music has done and meant so much to me since the first time I heard him in that friend that I spoke of in my previous post’s living room so many years ago. I too felt that little rush of emotion as the band strapped on their guitars. The anticipation of what the first song would be was a palpable feeling throughout the crowd.

There was also a pleasant surprise in the makeup of the band. I mentioned in a previous post of three bands that I would easily go out of my way to see live. One being Rundgren and one of the others is “The Tubes”. Todd and “The Tubes” have worked together in the past as he’s produced a couple albums with them. Well, their drummer also tours with Rundgren and a nice little roar emerged from the crowd as he took his place behind the drum set. Kasim Sultan, a multi instrumentalist that has been in most incarnations of Rundgren’s bands throughout his history, was also present. It’s always nice to see familiar faces.

The set itself was really well put together. He opened with a song from his band Utopia in the 70’s, “Love In Action” and preceded to throw out four or five songs that were familiar to most of the crowd. He played one song from his late 60’s band, “The Nazz” and then went into a very “poppy” version of “I Saw The Light” that everyone knew. So far, so good. He had us all right where he wanted us. He took a little break to talk to the crowd and tell us about an album he released about a year ago and said they were going to play some songs from that. He played a few songs that, to say the least, were a bit on the eclectic side of the scale and he knew it and after three or four of them told us he was now going to play something “a little easier on the palette”. He then played a song, also from the new album that could have come right out of the bubble gum craze of the early 70’s. I turned to one of my friends as we watched the entire crowd tapping their feet and bobbing their heads and said, “ Man, this guys a real pop star”. He readily agreed as we both laughed.

They played a number of other songs known by those that have followed his long career and went off stage before the obligatory encore. They came back on and played one of my faves, “Couldn’t I Just Tell You” and the crowd absolutely loved it. A real rocker with those pop tendencies I so adore. He closed the show with the song, “Just One Victory”. Another oldie but goodie that the crowd ate up as if they hadn’t been fed in years. No, he didn’t play the biggest hit of his career, “Hello It’s Me” but ya know something? It wouldn’t have fit. This was a rock n roll show put on by Todd’s incarnation of a rock n roll band. You know what else? This was a really good rock n roll show.

Pop Music On A Holiday Weekend

Fourth of July weekend and except for the year I worked for my sister it’s the first time I’ve got the three day weekend off. Retail does that to people. I’m sort of at a loss at what to do. I need to work on getting more of my stuff down to the new condo but can’t procure a truck this weekend. Well, I probably could but who in their right mind would want to help move furniture at this time. So, I’ll make a few trips down with my car loaded to the gill. I’ll make sure to take down a couple pillows and blankets and I may even sleep there, on the floor, tonight. I’ll bring Lucky down too so Ryan won’t have to get her out and make sure she’s got water and stuff like that.

I am a tad on the excited side this morning. They have this gig down in Detroit each year called Citifest or something like that and there’s live music and food and stuff. I think that’s the technical term, stuff. Anyway, I’m really pretty much over the rainbow about going tonight, See, there are three musical acts I’ve followed for years and pretty much drive wherever I have to, within reason, to see them. The Tubes, Barenaked Ladies and Todd Rundgren. Well, Rundgren is one of the acts on the bill tonight and guess where I’ll be this evening at 9:00.

I was introduced to Todd at around the age of 12. Tina, a friend of a friend back then was a huge fan and she would always be at this friend’s house and would be playing his “Something Anything” album. It’s the album with the song everybody and their mother knows, “Hello It’s Me”. Being the sap for love songs that I’ve always been and as stated numerous times on this blog, a major pop music fan, this album fit right up my alley. I don’t know if Tina would admit it but she was a big pop fan too. The other songs we were listening to at her behest were, “ Go All The Way” and “ I Wanna Be With You” by the Raspberries, “Roll Away The Stone”, and “The Golden Age Of Rock N Roll” by Mott The Hoople and the Sgt. Pepper album. All still music that satisfies my pop cravings on a regular basis.

People are regularly surprised when they see what’s on my ipod or cd’s that I have. Nobody would think I would have songs by “The Cure” for instance. Have you ever heard their songs “Friday I’m In Love” or “Just Like Heaven”? Pop at it’s finest. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t quite get most of the stuff they put out but those two songs, well, they simply do it for me. I’m looking at my playlist that I have hooked up to my blog and see so many examples of what I’m talking about. Mostly songs that tell a story and allow you to tap your toe to at the same time. Now, turn that into a love song and I’m like Homer Simpson when he sees a can of Duff beer

That’s what attracts me to Rundgren’s music. He’s a master of pop and can bring tears to the eyes of the most stoic of people while making them tap their feet to the tune. It really surprises me that he hasn’t had more hits than he has. The album I spoke of at the top is just loaded with pop ditties and whenever anyone I know hears them they like the songs. When asked if they have the album the answer is invariably no. With the ability to download songs instead of whole albums I think many are doing that when they hear the songs.

A few suggestions, besides, “Hello It’s Me”: “I Saw The Light”, “It Wouldn’t Have Made Any Difference” and “Couldn’t I Just Tell You”. All three are from the “Something Anything” album. I can promise you, if you are a pop fan at all, you’ll thank me for the suggestions.

So, I’ll start packing the car up in a few, leave some room for my best gal Lucky and head down to the metro area. If you happen to be in the area tonight, head on down to the show. You may even see me. You’ll know it’s me when you see the light in my eyes.

We All Feel This One

I was eight years old when the Jackson 5 released their first album “Diana Ross Presents The Jackson Five”. The single, “I Want You Back” became their first number one hit. I first saw Michael Jackson when they were on American Bandstand when I was nine. I remember it like it was yesterday. Mom, Steve, David and I watched them perform the song “ABC”. We were enthralled with this little kid singing. He was my age or at least he looked it, he was one of us. Today I know he was actually 12 but even that, when you think about it is incredible. Mom went out that day and got the “ABC” album and it became the soundtrack of our home. It was played so often I think we wore the needle out. It was the only music we listened to for what seemed like ages. We only stopped listening to it when Mom brought home “The Third Album”.

This was amazing. It had this song that was so different than anything they’d sung before. It was so slow. When first hearing it David and I weren’t sure if it was the same group. The song became their biggest single. It was “I’ll Be There” and to this day it’s considered a great song by anyone worth there salt. By the way, this “Third Album” was released in 1970. Let’s review. Their first album was released in December of 1969 and less than one year later they had already released two more. There first four singles, “I Want You Back”, “The Love You Save”, “ABC” and “I’ll Be There” all went to number one on not only the soul charts but the pop charts too. I’m too lazy to look it up but I don’t even think “The Beatles” can say that.

The beauty of these guys, at least for those of us in the Detroit area, was that they were a Motown band. They were ours. To this day I think that when someone from the area hears any of the old Motown bands they feel a special kinship to it. This was our town and dammit, these were our boys. Listening to any of the Motown music from back then still brings many of us to a better time in our lives. We were kids without a care in the world and this was the soundtrack to that carefree time.

As I, and they, got older I no longer listened to them. I moved away from the “Bubble Gum Soul” they used to play and so did they. Michael Jackson became the biggest entertainer any of us have ever heard. I was never a big fan of his solo stuff. That’s not to say I didn’t appreciate it, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I would still stop and remember my youth whenever I heard any of the old songs and it always made me feel warm and safe.

Michael Jackson died the other day. This was big. Hell, bigger than big, this was huge for many, many reasons. First off because he was the self proclaimed “King Of Pop”. He wasn’t lying. I can’t imagine anyone in any corner of the world that doesn’t know who he is. I was watching all the news reports and would just marvel at the reaction of people everywhere. As Elvis belonged to the fifties and The Beatles belonged to the seventies, Michael belonged to everything after. He was the Elvis of today. He was the Beatles of today. Even with all the controversy surrounding him he was still the biggest star any of us has ever seen. I’m not going to go in to who was more popular of the three but I do believe this. If it weren’t for Elvis there would have been no Beatles. If there were no Beatles there would have been no Michael Jackson. All had their place and we all need to appreciate that.

I have been listening to the older hits for the last couple of days and it’s so bittersweet. I still feel the warmth and security of my youth but something has changed. I know I’ve talked about this so many times before but I think this is something that we can all relate to. That child inside has taken another hit and it feels a little different than the other ones we’ve all had to deal with. This seems more defining. I think it’s because it’s not just me that got older the other day. I think all of us did. This wasn’t a case of me, or someone I knew going through some private grief that slapped that child around. We all lost something here. This is the whole world that just aged a bit. In a way it’s a little more comfortable than if it was just me. It’s better that we grieve together; it helps to know that you’re not alone.

I Can't Even Fathom The Thought

I spent Friday and Saturday down in the Detroit area this week for a number of different reasons. While down there I got some news that I’m having a real hard time wrapping my arms around. Two people from my high school got married and had kids. The woman was from my class and her husband, from a class two years prior. Anyway I got word that their son died, he was 17.

I don’t know the details of the how’s and why’s and honestly, what’s the difference? I also haven’t even spoken to either of these people in decades and again, what’s it matter? What matters is that a family is burying their son today. The very thought actually gets me all choked up and I’ve already had to stop writing a few times just to compose myself. Yeah, I’m normally a pretty sensitive guy but this, this has occupied my thoughts since the minute I heard about it.

We’ve all suffered loss. We’ve all probably lost grandparents, many have lost parents, sadly enough I’ve even written about some of us that have lost siblings or spouses. All of these losses are horrible. The loss of a child though, well, I don’t even know where to go with the very concept. You want to talk about rules of nature? Well, the most basic has been shattered beyond recognition in this case.

I have always talked and written about this child inside all of us. How life itself chips away at this child trying to force us to lose that inner being. I’ve usually been able to reconcile, within myself, the idea of somehow preserving that youthful being inside all of us. This time though, wow, I’m not sure I’d even want to. How does a Father wake up any day, let alone Fathers Day, and bury his son? How does a Mother, who at least to me, has the strongest connection possible with their children, wake up at all?

I’ve talked to a number of people about this in the last couple days and the common response is that they just do. You go on for the other kids, for your spouse, or just go on autopilot. I just can’t even see how that’s possible. I marvel at the strength of those that have that ability. I’m feeling actual pain at the thought of what these parents are going through today and I don’t know how I’d be able to deal with it if it was any closer to me than it is.

I know I’ll be thinking about this one for a long time. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not much into the faith thing but those of you that are, well, go ahead and pray for these two. Those that aren’t I know will be thinking of these guys too. I will make a suggestion to all of you though: If your kids are home, go give them a hug. If they’re away, call them and tell them you love them. I can’t even imagine, in my wildest dreams, what these folks are going through.

Hangin' With The Big Kids

Down in the Detroit area this afternoon for a little dinner gig with me and around 30 of my best friends. Actually, I look at the confirmed guest list and I can honestly tell you I remember meeting at some point in my life exactly four of them. I can safely say that most if not all of these folks went to the same high school as I but they were all from one to three years older than me.

This is yet another testament to the power of the Internet, and more precisely, the social networking site Facebook.com. The evening was set up by one of the few people I actually knew as a kid. Actually knew who she was, not really knew her. She planned this because a friend of hers from high school was coming to town and this way all these friends could get together and see her at one time while she was here. How do I fit into this? That’s where Facebook comes into play.

I’ve become Facebook friends with a number of these people and because I have an ability to comment on things I see someone write that makes people laugh sometimes, I’ve actually become rather popular on the site. The only way any of these folks see what a mess I am is from my writing. I like to say I give good Internet and these guys seem to agree. Pretty cool. It really is a nice boost to the ego having all these people know and actually want to socialize with me online on a daily basis.

Something about this that really has made me feel wonderful is getting the invite at all. The woman who set this up sent invitations to 27 people. Of the 27 all except two, myself included, were from the same class. I along with one other girl are from a class two years behind them. The person that’s also from my year was once married to one of the invitees so she socialized with a number of these people at some point in her life. What it comes down to is the only reason I’m invited is because of Facebook. It’s actually rather flattering. I get to hang out with the older kids tonight.

Let's Try Something New

So I got the call from the company in Detroit today. I was told that I passed whatever background checks they needed and she will call me tomorrow with the money details and we’ll talk about a start date. It was quite a relief to finally get some semblance of structure in my life right now. I’ve been floating around a veritable whirlpool of emotions the last couple of weeks and it’s nice to come to a stop, at least temporarily.

I’ve spoken before about how different it is for me to want to stay in the Detroit area. I’ve spoken to a few people today about how difficult it is for me not to move away. I’ve been doing this moving away thing for years. Save the years I was married I have moved, literally, every two years since 1980. No special reason, just ridiculously restless I guess. Even while married I would always talk to Shelly about moving the family away from where we were. It’s never really mattered where I was or where I was going, I just had to go. My therapist (I think that’s what I should call her) asked me why I thought I had to go.

I told her that it wasn’t so much the destination that made me want to leave, nor was it the place I was leaving from. I said it was more the verb of moving rather than the noun of the destination. Like I’ve said before, it’s the squeeze more than the juice that makes me go. That’s one of the many reasons this has been such a tough time for me. I feel like I almost need to get in the car and just drive. I’ve gotten this way so many times over the years it’s almost like an expectation. I just get this itch that needs to be scratched.

This time it seems like I’m going to try to relieve the itch by putting some cortisone on it if you know what I mean. I’m trying to just plain make the itch go away without using the typical medicine I’ve given it over the years. I feel like I need to make this work. You have no idea of the fears I have running around my brain right now about all of this. I hope I have the strength to see it through

The reasons for staying are quite confusing for me too. Of course family is here and I don’t want to downplay that in any sense. The main reason, and I’ve stated it before, are all these friends I’ve regained in the last six months. Let me try to lay it out as best I can

Since moving to California in 1980 I’ve kept in constant contact with about three people. The rest of these folks are the ones that baffle me. Here’s a group of people that I’ve shown no loyalty to over the years and, as I’ve stated before, for some reason they want me around. It’s kind of daunting in a way. I mean, what have I ever done to deserve this, I don’t know, warmth from these people. Whatever it is I’m certainly not complaining. I just figure they’re just as nuts as I am. Why else would they think I’m this person they think I am.

Staying has now become something I feel I need to do. The right thing to do. I just feel I have to see this through, see if what they and I are feeling is real. Yes I’m showing my chick side again but there’s a love here that I’ve never felt both for and from others. It’s pretty special and I just want to hold on to it for as long as I can. Of course I can’t help but feel that they’ll all somehow come to their senses and see me for the fool I’ve always thought of myself but who knows? Maybe, dare I say it, I’m wrong? I hope you know what I mean when I say this next thing. Springsteen’s song “Born To Run” has a line in it that kinda says what I’m feeling. “I wanna know if love is wild, I wanna know if love is real”. Like I said earlier, I’ve never felt this kind of warmth from anyone other than family in my life and I kinda like it.

For you guys that have encouraged me to stay I thank you but also warn you. Be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.

Don't Wanna Live Without It

So I’ve got 12 days till go day. Go day is the day I move. Up until about a week ago it was, to me, a done deal. I was all set to move to Florida and once again, start my life all over again. As the day gets closer and closer the stress I’m feeling is literally bringing me to my knees. This is a new feeling for me.

I’ve always been the calm guy in the room. Nothing got to me and there would be times that friends would just marvel at how little emotion I would show in a crisis. It’s something I’ve always been proud of, you know, being calm under pressure. I’m not sure how I got that way but it’s helped not only me, but others as well.

For whatever reason, that’s completely changed now. I have major concerns about this impending move and the reasons for it are ones I never thought would have any kind of effect on anything I’d ever do. It’s friends. It’s the idea of being able to go out on a regular basis with people I’ve known for virtually my whole life. It’s not just the idea of me not being able to leave all these people, it’s that I’m not sure I want to. It’s really quite the conundrum. I hate Michigan’s cold winters but on the other hand, is there anything warmer than the feeling of being needed or wanted by those you care so much about?

So I’ve interviewed with a retail outlet down in the Detroit area and it looks as if they’ll offer me a job. Then the real stress comes, a decision has to be made. It’s so much tougher than I ever dreamed it would be. If I were to stay in Michigan it would have to be in the Detroit area around all these new/old friends. Otherwise it wouldn’t be worth it.

Damn Facebook, if it wasn’t for you I’d have probably already been gone. But like I said earlier, I just don’t know if I can leave what I’ve started to build here. It’s really something special that not only was never expected to happen to me but, even more importantly, something I’m not sure I want to live without.

I Don't Know, Let's See!

When I first went to the Dr. about my wrist I developed a pretty good relationship with the physicians assistant. She was the easiest one to make an appointment with and actually paid attention to the things I said. After seeing all the stuff going on in my life she asked me if I would be adverse to seeing someone to talk to about my impending move and everything else going on in my life. I figured I really had nothing to lose so accepted her recommendation. She gave me the names of a couple people and I chose one to see.

I went to see this woman and immediately felt comfortable and was able to, for lack of a better phrase, throw up everything that was happening in my life to her. What was supposed to be a one-time session has turned into something I actually look forward to and wish was happening everyday. I’ve only seen her three times and only have another three sessions scheduled before I move but I really feel this is something I need.

Anyway, about midway through my first meeting with her she asked if I’d ever been tested for Attention Deficit Disorder. I said I hadn’t and never really thought about it and we started talking about something else. A little later she said that I might want to look A.D.D. on the Internet, that I might find it interesting. Again, I thought nothing of it and forgot about it.

Earlier this week I went back to the Dr. for some follow up on the meds I’ve been taking and as we were talking she asked if I’d ever been tested for A.D.D. I laughed and told her that’s exactly what the Social Worker had asked. She said It’s something she’d like to test me for. As we spoke more about other things she said she thought I definitely seemed to have the disorder. By the end of the appointment she again asked me to look into it and that odds were that if I looked A.D.D. up on the Internet I’d see a picture of myself. We laughed a bit and I told her I would.

I’ve since looked up the symptoms of it and it’s kind of scary:


Adult Indicators 
Symptoms and problems are often unique and may vary in type, number and intensity from person to person. ADD is complex and no two individuals are exactly alike. 
Some indicators that can be suggestive of ADD:

Easily distracted; forgetful; daydreaming
Procrastination; inability to complete things
Disorganization; messiness; clutter
Difficulty with making decisions
Behavioral or verbal impulsiveness
Difficulty with expressing thoughts in speech or in writing
Significant periods of depression; low self-esteem
A sense of failure; not living up to one's potential
A sense of being different, unconventional
A sense of internal restlessness; constantly active
Difficulty with falling asleep or waking up alert
Very sensitive to being told to do something, teasing, criticism, rejection or anger
A sense that your mind is always active; thoughts jumping from one topic to the next
Easily bored; intense need for excitement
Difficulty with following rules
Very impatient; low frustration tolerance
Emotionally sensitive; easily upset, depressed, hurt or angered
Difficulty with personal or work relationships
Frequently late or rushed
Difficulty in estimating how much time something will take
Impulsive spending and money management problems
Personal or family history of substance abuse, depression or anxiety
Difficulty with reading comprehension or retention
Frequently changing jobs, interests or activities
Frequently losing or misplacing things
Perfectionistic tendencies
Strong need to control or have things your way

Of the 27 symptoms listed above, I can safely say that 24 of them fit me to a tea. Kinda interesting. I don’t have perfectionistic tendencies, difficulty with comprehension, I have no problem expressing myself either in written or spoken form. That’s it, three that don’t match me.

So what does one do with this now? Does it give me the right to just write off anything stupid I do as part of my “illness”? It’d be easy as hell if I don’t bother getting a real diagnosis and just go by what I read. It was pretty weird reading some of these things and relating so easily to them. You can find so much information on anything you want on the web. I found a site that had stories of adults that had been diagnosed with A.D.D., as I would be reading a number of them I literally saw myself as these people. It was kind of surreal. I mean, were they talking about me? Was I living inside those stories? I should probably take the next step and get officially tested. At my age I’ve really got nothing left to lose.

How'd I Miss That?

A few years ago I wrote a piece about a woman I met while working who threw me for a loop by commenting on how the media had invented the whole “holocaust thing”. The basis of the whole piece was how surprised I was when those words came out of her mouth. You know, how my perception of her was so different than reality.

I thought of that today as I was sitting in that little room they put you in at the Dr’s. Office. I saw the business card that lists all the Dr’s. there and noticed there only being one or two with what you would call “American names”. I then started thinking about people that wouldn’t even consider seeing this one or that one because of the Dr’s. ethnicity. I also thought about how wrong we can be about people’s feelings on the subject.

I can’t say what everyone I know thinks about every subject that enters all of our lives but I naturally assume that their beliefs on most social issues are in the same vane as mine. I’m always surprised when I find out their take on something is the complete opposite of mine. Some issues are easier to deal with than others of course. For instance, I’m totally for gay marriage. I wouldn’t think of disassociating myself from someone just because they don’t agree with me on that. The same goes for gun control. I’m all for the idea, though I’m also realistic, of taking every gun in the world and destroying them. I’ve got a great many friends that own guns and, again, I can live with that. I’ve got my reasons for not wanting guns around and they have theirs for owning them.

On the other hand there are things that would make me not be around someone because of their beliefs. Racism is the obvious issue that brought this whole thing into my head, I’ll sometimes meet someone and think that this is someone I could develop some sort of relationship with like the woman I spoke of at the top of this post. Then out of the blue comes some statement that just blows me away and I wonder, how did I miss that?