Little state of anxiety mixed in with a bit of sadness and a ton of confusion. I got a call last week from Shrink’s billing people telling me that my new insurance doesn’t cover her certifications. What that means is that I have no coverage any longer for my sessions and therefore, I can’t see how I’ll be able to continue seeing her. That may not sound like such a big deal to many but this is huge to me. When I hung up the phone I felt like I’d been hit in the stomach, like I’d had the wind knocked out of me.
I don’t know how to explain all that Shrink’s done for me. I can say without any doubt that I would not have stayed in Michigan if I hadn’t met up with her. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve seen numerous therapists throughout my life. I’ve never felt comfortable with any of them until now. I felt comfortable as soon as I walked into the office and was able to talk to her about things that I’ve only been able to write about before. I can say things to her that I would never, in a million years, say to anyone else. Like I said earlier, this was a huge setback for me. I need these sessions like I need to breathe. I cannot and will not start anew with a complete stranger.
When I’m on the couch, so to speak, it’s very similar to sitting in my chair with the computer on my lap. I go through many of the same emotions I do when I’m writing. It’s not always an easy thing to go through and it can be very exhausting. There are times, after a session, that I don’t even want to drive home just because of how worn out I feel. When I’m there it’s like I’m writing. The only difference is that it’s live and it can’t be edited for grammar. Actually, it is writing out loud.
Many of you that know me understand the differences between the person that writes the blog and the “public” person. I couldn’t possibly be the same person out and about in this world as I am when writing. I can’t imagine meeting someone that is so, I don’t know, emotional about every little thing. In Shrinks office, I’m that writing person and it’s an incredibly freeing feeling. It’s literally the same feeling as when I’ve finished a piece and posted it. The pressure is gone and I can go on about my business until something strikes me again.
I’ve had numerous occasions when someone that reads the blog will come up to me and want to talk about what I’ve written. That’s something that will never happen and this episode really does explain it well. The blog is my own Shrink, if you will, and when I speak to it it’s mine and mine alone. Just like when someone that’s seeing a therapist is asked about what they talked about, it’s a private matter. What I say in Shrinks office is private and nothing that I’d ever discuss in public. I would, however, have no problem writing about it. I know that sounds strange but that’s how it works for me.
We all have an inner monologue going on inside our heads all the time. Mine seems to just happen to demand more attention than others. That’s where the blog comes from and that’s where the need for therapy for millions of others comes from. When someone wants or needs to see a therapist I really believe that the best way to describe the reason is just that. Their inner “voice” is saying things to them that they can’t quite understand and need help interpreting. I’ve found, as I’ve explained in previous posts, that the writing helps in that interpretation. Seeing Shrink enhances and makes the interpretation even more clear. It also pushes me to look deeper than I want to for that very understanding I’m looking for. Suffice it to say; I can no more imagine my life without my writing as I could without Shrink.
I’ve spoken to Shrink and she’s trying to work out something with the insurance company and has told me not to worry, that something will be worked out one way or another. I know if there is truly no coverage she’d cut me a major deal on price but I’m not sure what I can afford. I’ll have to figure all the numbers out and find a way to make it work though cuz the alternative just aint gonna happen.
