The end of another year is upon us. 2010 wasn’t what I’d call an easy year. Being out of work for half of it ensured that. People say that along with the good comes the bad. Well. The reverse was quite true for me. While out of work I had a number of friends and relatives that helped make sure I had enough to pay my bills, eat and have a social life that anyone would be happy about. For that, I can never give the thanks that are truly deserved.
One of the goals I’ve always set for myself is to not be an ass. By that, I mean to treat other people decently. I think I’ve done pretty well with that. I’ve made a few new friends and that can never be a bad thing. I’ve reconnected with a number of folks from my past and, over the last few years, that’s proven to be nothing but positive. . All in all I’ve done all right with a few asterisks along the way. I think that can be said for most of us.
I’ve still got things in my personal life I need to work on, we all do, and maybe the New Year will see changes in those areas. I’d like to be more open to new relationships. That’s something that I’ve always struggled with and turning 50 in a month, well, it night be time to grow up in that area of my life. I need to start taking better care of my life and it’s surroundings. Things like keeping the house and my car clean would be nice. I’m always embarrassed to invite friends over simply because I don’t keep things as neat as I should. All in all, I’d just like to be better. I can’t promise that it’ll be the case but, with baby steps, maybe I can make improvements along the way. On the other hand, maybe I won’t do anything differently. All I can do is give it a shot.
So, Happy New Year, everybody. I hope you all get everything your heart desires. Try to be nice to each other. Things always go much smoother when you start with that.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Here We Go Again
I was on my way to the “Palace” to see the Pistons the other night. I was meeting a few friends that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I was thinking, though I really don’t like pro basketball, it’d be nice to see the guys, and best of all, the ticket was free. I got out of work a little early, came home and got Lucky out and changed then headed to the Palace to meet up with the gang.
I was about half way there when I started having one of my little episodes. You know the ones. My brain started telling me about all the horrible things that were bound to happen once I arrived. Of course, the people I was meeting wouldn’t really want me there. They were no doubt regretting their decision of inviting me before I had even arrived. Then the fight in my head started. I started telling myself how ridiculous I was being and knew that it wasn’t really happening. As I kept getting closer to my destination, the argument kept going and I started sweating and was having a hard time catching my breath. I ended up doing the dumbest thing possible and turned around and came home.
I’ve had these type of things happen to me so many times but it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. The obvious and most advised solution is to be on an anti anxiety medication. Well, guess what? I was. I got an RX for one a few weeks ago. I took one about an hour or so before I left work. It did absolutely nothing to stop my brain from telling me all the things we’re supposed to not believe about ourselves. Obviously, I need to see about getting a different one as Xanax does nothing to help.
Feeling like this is especially bad this time of year. The Holiday season is supposed to be a time to be together with friends and family and with the obligations to attend these events I’ve been in a mood to beat all moods since the Thanksgiving. I would give anything to be able to skip this time of year on a regular basis. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never minded working during the Holiday season. It’s the easiest out I have for anything. Unfortunately my store closes early on Christmas Eve and closed on Christmas day.
I guess I’m just writing this to sort of give an apology and an explanation to anyone that finds my behavior off putting and I hope they’ll understand that, truly, it’s not them, it’s me. I really wish I didn’t realize how childish this all is. Sadly, for me, it’s simply not the case.
I was about half way there when I started having one of my little episodes. You know the ones. My brain started telling me about all the horrible things that were bound to happen once I arrived. Of course, the people I was meeting wouldn’t really want me there. They were no doubt regretting their decision of inviting me before I had even arrived. Then the fight in my head started. I started telling myself how ridiculous I was being and knew that it wasn’t really happening. As I kept getting closer to my destination, the argument kept going and I started sweating and was having a hard time catching my breath. I ended up doing the dumbest thing possible and turned around and came home.
I’ve had these type of things happen to me so many times but it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. The obvious and most advised solution is to be on an anti anxiety medication. Well, guess what? I was. I got an RX for one a few weeks ago. I took one about an hour or so before I left work. It did absolutely nothing to stop my brain from telling me all the things we’re supposed to not believe about ourselves. Obviously, I need to see about getting a different one as Xanax does nothing to help.
Feeling like this is especially bad this time of year. The Holiday season is supposed to be a time to be together with friends and family and with the obligations to attend these events I’ve been in a mood to beat all moods since the Thanksgiving. I would give anything to be able to skip this time of year on a regular basis. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never minded working during the Holiday season. It’s the easiest out I have for anything. Unfortunately my store closes early on Christmas Eve and closed on Christmas day.
I guess I’m just writing this to sort of give an apology and an explanation to anyone that finds my behavior off putting and I hope they’ll understand that, truly, it’s not them, it’s me. I really wish I didn’t realize how childish this all is. Sadly, for me, it’s simply not the case.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
We'll Just Never Get It
Got a phone call the other night on my way home from the brother of someone I used to know with some pretty sad news. To say I was surprised to hear from him is quite an understatement. I barely knew him and had just become reacquainted with his sister. He called to tell me his Sister had died a few days earlier and, when I asked what had happened, he told me she had committed suicide. Not knowing how to respond, I gave my condolences and we chatted for a couple minutes about what had been going on in her life. I had just spoken to her over Thanksgiving and hadn’t spoken to her, before that, for around 30 years.
It seems she was in the middle of a bad marriage, thankfully had no kids and had recently cleaned up after a life of drugs and alcohol. Obviously, the demons hidden by the drugs and drinking were too much for her to handle and, not getting the help she obviously needed, she saw no other way or reason to continue living. I’m sure all of us can come up with a million things we could have told her to try to convince her that life was worth the effort. I felt a bit of guilt when I heard the news; I think that’s a natural thing. When I spoke to her I didn’t notice anything out of order in the things we talked about but, still, I wish I had noticed something was amiss. I hadn’t spoken to her in decades, I truly didn’t know the person I was chatting with and she gave no indication of what was to come.
I’ve always had different feelings than most about suicide. Don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say; I don’t want anyone to kill themselves. I do, however, understand the feeling of wanting to end ones life. I’ve always felt that there are certain people that are just “wired” wrong. Well, wrong isn’t the right word. Let’s just say that they aren’t meant to live this thing we call life. I seriously think that it just happens to some and though we, as a society, have been taught that life is so precious, it’s not that way for everyone.
Of course I believe that we should try to help those that truly feel this way. I can imagine little worse than dealing with these demons on a daily basis. I’ve had my own issues over the years and I know it’s a tough road to hoe. I’m not saying we should have some sort of panel to decide if it’s ok for one to end up killing themselves, I don’t pretend to think that’s a good idea. I just think we need to try to understand those that are in such a position, mentally, and not just write them off as weak or crazy. Life isn’t an easy task, and it is a task, some are just incapable of making it through to its natural conclusion.
I don’t know all the circumstances of this person I had just started talking to again and I hope she did find some happiness in her short life. What I won’t do is blame her for deciding life wasn’t worth the effort. I think that’s the least we owe these friends and family members of people that loved them.
It seems she was in the middle of a bad marriage, thankfully had no kids and had recently cleaned up after a life of drugs and alcohol. Obviously, the demons hidden by the drugs and drinking were too much for her to handle and, not getting the help she obviously needed, she saw no other way or reason to continue living. I’m sure all of us can come up with a million things we could have told her to try to convince her that life was worth the effort. I felt a bit of guilt when I heard the news; I think that’s a natural thing. When I spoke to her I didn’t notice anything out of order in the things we talked about but, still, I wish I had noticed something was amiss. I hadn’t spoken to her in decades, I truly didn’t know the person I was chatting with and she gave no indication of what was to come.
I’ve always had different feelings than most about suicide. Don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say; I don’t want anyone to kill themselves. I do, however, understand the feeling of wanting to end ones life. I’ve always felt that there are certain people that are just “wired” wrong. Well, wrong isn’t the right word. Let’s just say that they aren’t meant to live this thing we call life. I seriously think that it just happens to some and though we, as a society, have been taught that life is so precious, it’s not that way for everyone.
Of course I believe that we should try to help those that truly feel this way. I can imagine little worse than dealing with these demons on a daily basis. I’ve had my own issues over the years and I know it’s a tough road to hoe. I’m not saying we should have some sort of panel to decide if it’s ok for one to end up killing themselves, I don’t pretend to think that’s a good idea. I just think we need to try to understand those that are in such a position, mentally, and not just write them off as weak or crazy. Life isn’t an easy task, and it is a task, some are just incapable of making it through to its natural conclusion.
I don’t know all the circumstances of this person I had just started talking to again and I hope she did find some happiness in her short life. What I won’t do is blame her for deciding life wasn’t worth the effort. I think that’s the least we owe these friends and family members of people that loved them.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
They're Only Thoughts
I spend a lot of my time trying to protect myself from harm. I think if you have read any of my previous posts you know what it is I’m talking about. I’ve always had a hard time making myself comfortable in pretty much any environment I find myself, no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing, out in the real world, I can literally bury myself in thoughts of self doubt so deep it’s almost certain to have a direct effect on the enjoyment of whatever I’m doing.
Lately I’ve been trying to find those “happy” places and identify them at the moment they occur. It seems that my only true comfort zone is when I’m at work. It’s got little to do with liking my job. There’s a feeling I get when doing the grocery store thing that just settles me in ways I can’t seem to find anywhere else. I was chatting with a friend the other day and tried to explain what I mean by that.
It all seems to come down to those damn expectations I work so hard at denying. When I’m at work, the expectations are set; the variables are few as there is always a solid plan that I have to follow. In real life, things are too wide open. There are too many ways to do each and every little thing. I have to be at work at a certain time. I have to perform certain functions and have a kind of map for all the tasks I have to do. There are certain ways to do this and that and, after years of practice, I’ve become pretty good at it.
Outside of work things are quite different. There’s nobody telling me what needs to be done, how to perform each task and, worst of all, this free will thing. I have too many choices and my fear of anything that requires commitment rules pretty much everything I do. Some friends and I joke about it sometimes. My first response to any question involving plans of any sort is either a quick “no” or a “let me see what’s going on” while I scramble for a way to ensure I have a valid, for me, excuse not to attend whatever it is I’m working so hard at avoiding.
It really doesn’t matter how much I’ll enjoy whatever the invite is for, I automatically switch to excuse mode. I think the problem is time. There’s always too much time between the invite and the event and I spend the duration of that time fighting within myself about wanting to do whatever it is and convincing myself that nobody really wants me there anyway. I know, that’s crazy. Why would they ask and all that other stuff. It doesn’t matter though. The thoughts are real and, as we all know, perception is reality.
Lately I’ve been trying to find those “happy” places and identify them at the moment they occur. It seems that my only true comfort zone is when I’m at work. It’s got little to do with liking my job. There’s a feeling I get when doing the grocery store thing that just settles me in ways I can’t seem to find anywhere else. I was chatting with a friend the other day and tried to explain what I mean by that.
It all seems to come down to those damn expectations I work so hard at denying. When I’m at work, the expectations are set; the variables are few as there is always a solid plan that I have to follow. In real life, things are too wide open. There are too many ways to do each and every little thing. I have to be at work at a certain time. I have to perform certain functions and have a kind of map for all the tasks I have to do. There are certain ways to do this and that and, after years of practice, I’ve become pretty good at it.
Outside of work things are quite different. There’s nobody telling me what needs to be done, how to perform each task and, worst of all, this free will thing. I have too many choices and my fear of anything that requires commitment rules pretty much everything I do. Some friends and I joke about it sometimes. My first response to any question involving plans of any sort is either a quick “no” or a “let me see what’s going on” while I scramble for a way to ensure I have a valid, for me, excuse not to attend whatever it is I’m working so hard at avoiding.
It really doesn’t matter how much I’ll enjoy whatever the invite is for, I automatically switch to excuse mode. I think the problem is time. There’s always too much time between the invite and the event and I spend the duration of that time fighting within myself about wanting to do whatever it is and convincing myself that nobody really wants me there anyway. I know, that’s crazy. Why would they ask and all that other stuff. It doesn’t matter though. The thoughts are real and, as we all know, perception is reality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)