All I Want Is A Remedy

Sometimes, when I’m down, I try to examine the whole concept of feeling that way. I know, in a sense that I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on shrinks and different anti-depressants over and above whatever the insurance companies have paid. Adding it up, over the last three years alone, it’s been well into the five-figure range. To be blunt, it hasn’t helped.

There is something about me, and I’ve written about it many times, that just plain doesn’t work upstairs. There is never a time when I want to be around people. That being said the complete opposite is also true. I sit alone and all I want is to be around others. Quite a conundrum. I just never seem to get to the point of saying yeah this is all right.

I’m not saying that I wake up totally depressed every day or anything like that. It just gets harder and harder everyday to find the things in life that make me smile. It just seems like too much work to laugh anymore and being as lazy as I am I’m just not sure I want to work that hard. I’m just in a kind of blah state. I pretty much strive for comfortably numb and anything close seems to allow me to get through the daily grind.

This is nothing new. I’ve been like this forever and I’m always telling myself that I’ll get better at this whole thing but nothing ever changes. I’m incredibly honest with myself about this “problem” of mine. I know, as I’ve written about before, that it’s all because of me. You know, my own, and nobody else’s fault.

My mother calls and tells me that I should go see someone because she can tell that I’m depressed. Well, sure I am, but no more or less than I’ve ever been. This is nothing that I haven’t dealt with before and it’s nothing that I won’t have to deal with in the future. It’s just that every once in a while it all comes and hits me at once. When that happens I find that I need to find a release and those releases get harder and harder to find,

Well, this episodes release is a trip to Florida. The flight’s free and I’ll stay at my brothers and use one of his cars so that’ll be cheap. I’ll be taking three or four books with me and hope to see some friends that I made while living down there. I hope to be spending most of my time on the sand. I’ve checked the ten day forecast and it looks like there may be some rain on a couple days but, in general, it looks like it’ll be sunny and warm which may be just what I need.