This Isn't An Option

Funny, sometimes, how things turn out. 49 years old and my buckets' empty. I just feel like I want to be done. I know, I know, I’m just having a hard time and things will most certainly get better. Still doesn’t make things easy. Seriously, is there anything that makes things easy? I want to go away so bad it hurts. I don’t mean on a vacation either. I want a one-way ticket to anywhere and get completely lost in a crowd. My last post ended with me talking about how important it is sometimes to have someone hold ones hand to help him or her get through life. Something’s going on now that, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get my hand held tight enough and I truly don’t know what to do.

I’ve got a friend that’s sick. She’s got a few different problems, none of which are easily dealt with, and she’s hurting. She’s got more friends than you could possibly imagine and each and every one of them is giving her any and all support they can. Me, I just sit in my chair and weep. I drive in my car and lose the ability to breathe. I’m at the gym and have to hop off the treadmill and run to the locker room to make sure nobody sees me trembling and wiping my eyes. Once again, as I did when Steve was sick, I seem to be feeling my pain over this rather than understanding hers. I’ll never understand how some deal with this kind of stuff.
I’m feeling the highs when there’s good news but I’m just crushed when it’s not so good. I’m on this roller coaster of emotions and along with it comes the guilt. I’m almost ashamed to constantly look at this from my perspective. I wish with all my heart that I could see things any other way but this. I just don’t know how that works. If someone knows how that works, feel free to drop me a line.

I don’t know if she’ll be reading this but if she does I do want to say a few things to her:

I told you a while ago how and why you mean so much to me and the gratitude I feel just for having you be a part of my life can never be fully explained so anyone outside of my head would understand. You just need to know it’s true. Yes, this is going to sound selfish but your not getting better simply isn’t an option. I can’t have it and because of that, as far as I’m concerned, neither can you. I, along with so many others, need you well. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat but we both know it’s not possible. Therefore, you just have to get better. You just have to.

Look Kid, it’s like this: well, you know…