Another Step Backwards

Took a huge step backwards last night. I was out with a number of old friends, chatting, laughing and seemingly having a very nice time. I felt good and was enjoying myself when, all of a sudden, I was hit with a wave of panic or fear that just floored me. It’s been such a long time since I’ve dealt with this issue that, while the waves were rushing over me, I felt like I was going to cry from the disappointment. I mean it, it was so upsetting to see something I haven’t had to deal with in such a long time. I really thought I had conquered this ridiculous fear I’ve dealt with so many times.

As quickly as I could, I said my goodbyes and got out of the restaurant and into my car. Sitting there for a short time, I thought I had better get going before anyone from my group saw me. Sitting here right now, I’m certain that even if I were to be seen, nobody would have known anything was wrong. At that moment though, well, I thought I was the focal point of every person in the whole world.

It’s so strange the way my mind works in situations like this. I mean, here I was, having some sort of nervous attack, yet all the while knowing what I was going through and that there really was nothing to be afraid of. It’s like I’m fighting myself over whatever it is that has me in this state. It really is feeling like I’m going mad. It’s a pretty heavy argument going on inside while stuff like this happens. Logic yelling at, what seems to me at the time, insanity. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s also embarrassing. What in the world could possibly make me so full of anxiety at a time when everything was fine? I was drinking Iced Tea, others were getting their dinner and we were all having good conversation and a fine time. It’s all very, I don’t know, sad to me.

So, I came home, watched the end of the Tiger game and went for a drive. I didn’t go anywhere in particular, just listened to N.P.R. for a while. When I got home it started all over again. I was playing golf in the morning and all I could think of were ways to get out of playing. Why? No real reason. It’s just what I do to myself to make sure I can’t just relax. I didn’t sleep, as my head was a bastion of nonsensical thought fighting against logic. The argument ensued throughout the evening until morning. Of course I played and had a great time. Getting there however was horrible.

I don’t know what I can do to stop this. The idea of doing this kind of stuff to myself on a regular basis again is something I’m not real sure I can deal with in an adult like manner. I don’t want to deal with the pressure and the only real alternative is to just stay inside. I can’t do that to myself. It’s been a long hard fight to get out of that routine and I just can’t afford the energy needed to start all over again.