There But For The Grace...

I’ve written a few times about my Father and how, well, let’s just say different, he is. Now he’s facing a reality he is totally unprepared for and, his chosen way of dealing with things can be described by many words. Sad, embarrassing and frightening are just a few that come to mind.

Dad retired form the work force around five years ago. When he retired, according to him, he had what he, along with most others, considered enough money to live in the style he was accustomed. Well to say things have changed would be an understatement. According to him, everything was lost in the financial markets but those that know his situation think quite differently. Dad’s been supporting a family of four, along with himself for a number of years. Knowing him and the way he “needs” to put on the show, it’s quite apparent that they simply spent whenever any whim hit them. She hasn’t worked in ages and his was the only money available to them. Well, the money ran out and decisions had to be made. Decisions that have caused pain to a number of folks but none more so than Dad.

Dad recently moved into an assisted living facility. According to anyone that knows the place, it’s quite nice and has anything he could possibly need. According to him, it’s a place where people go to die. He told me the other day that the closest person in age to him is at least 10 to 15 years older than him. As I write this it strikes me that that may be one of his biggest problems. I don’t think Dad realizes that he really is 78 years old. David, my brother, helped find the place and he said the woman that runs the facility said the average age is actually younger than Dad. I think this is a classic case of not seeing ones self as others see you. You know, your own eyes always see things differently than the reality of the situation.

Dad turned 78 the other day. I called to wish him a Happy Birthday and he responded with a kinda grunt. He then told me “thank you. I just want to die.” How does one respond to that? I mumbled something and we continued the conversation and he would say something and follow it up with the wanting to die statement. He would follow that by telling me he wasn’t joking and we’d go on to something else. I asked him a number of times what about the place was so bad and the worst thing he could come up with was that he took some Iced Tea up to his room and there wasn’t any sweet n low in the tea when he drank it.

I think what has really happened here can only be blamed on one person, him. Everything Dad has ever done in his life has led to this very moment. It was him that decided he really wanted to avoid any relationship with anyone in his family, not us. It was he who decided that knowing his sons wives names wasn’t important, not us. It was he that decided that knowing his Grandchildren, in even the smallest sense, wasn’t something that might be worthwhile, not us. He was the one that thought it important to move in with a woman, younger than his own youngest child, and give her free reign over all his finances to support her children, send them on vacations in the Caribbean and, in the end, the ability to spend every penny he had in five or six short years. Now, it is him that still believes he’s gotten the short stick in life and has found himself in a situation that could have been avoided so easily it really is embarrassing.

Sounds like I’m really mad at him at a time that he could use support from all of us. Maybe I am. I do feel sorry for him and I do understand how he feels right now. I also see that this is exactly the life he laid out for himself from the moment he became cognoscente of living an adult life. There’s a life lesson here that I could use in my own life and I guess I should thank him for that but I’m a long way from taking the whole lesson to heart. I will say this: it may take a while but I will learn from this. Those that I’ve neglected, don’t give up on me yet. I’m coming back and one day, when I get there, I hope you’re open to me again. If not, I’ll understand, won’t be happy, but I’ll understand.