Where Did He Go?

Back in 2007 I wrote a post about my uncle that had passed away. His wife, my aunt, passed away yesterday. She was my Father's sister and, when we were small, we would see them on a regular basis. They lived in Detroit and we were still in Trenton. After we moved to Oak Park, and my parents got divorced, the family occasions became fewer and fewer. We'd see each other at family events but, as time passed, these events simply disappeared. The last time I saw her, I believe, was when her husband died.

I truly believe, under normal circumstances, this would, as it should, bother me. Right now, with all the issues going around in my head, both real and imagined, it's hitting me harder than it should. I feel like that child inside all of us, that I've written about in the past, is just getting his ass kicked. I feel like I'm losing complete touch with him and I can't imagine living without him.

I've always said that the guy people see out in public is completely different from the guy who writes this blog. Lately, the public me has become more and more infected, if you will, by the blog me. I was always so good at separating the two but it's actually become an effort and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to take on that kind of fight by myself right now.

I've got to find a way to find that child again. I need to laugh, I mean genuinely laugh. I've always been able to find humor in literally anything. I need to get back to that place and it can't be soon enough. I don't like where I am in my head. Well, I've never liked where I am up there, but now is much worse than it's ever been. I need a break from whatever this is, at least for a while, and start playing in the immature way I was always able to do. I'm seeing the Dr.'s who I believe can help and I have to at least try to do my part.

 I need to find me again. I am the child I'm looking for. That child inside is, and always has been, the very best part of me. I can't do this without him. Sometimes I feel he's all I've got left and I've been letting him accept all the blows of life. He needs to come out and play. Hell, I need to come out and play.

My aunts funeral is Friday and I've been asked to be a pall bearer. I know I shouldn't be looking at this in this way but, I'm hoping I can bury some of the garbage in my head at the same time. I don't care where it goes, whether it has an afterlife or just squirms into oblivion. I need to find me again and maybe, if I can dump enough trash, perhaps a glimmer of the kid will show himself and maybe I'll be able to help him come out and play. I really wanna come out and play. You wouldn't believe how bad I wanna come out and play.