The Angst Of It All

I live my life in fear. It's unbelievable, when I sit down and think about it, how many things I've convinced myself I shouldn't attempt or can't do for fear of failure. I can remember things from as far back as Kindergarten where, if I had just spoken up, things would have been different. At that age I would think not speaking up in adult situations would be normal. I'm not talking about a kid that's stubborn. I'm talking about someone that fears what others may think or say.

 I'll give you an example of something I remember; On my first day of school the teacher was naming the months so she could write down our birthdays. She said my month and I wasn't listening. I heard her say the following month and I, knowing she had already said my month, stood up for the new month. I told her the date and let her write down February 24 as my special day. As the date got closer I couldn't gather the nerve to tell her of my mistake. So, for my Kindergarten year, the class celebrated my birthday on the wrong date. I know, it's no big deal, but the point is how easily  I could have corrected the mistake if I had just spoken up.

I've been diagnosed with what they call Social Anxiety. For me, as I've written about in the past, it's a little different from  what others that have this condition deal with. In most cases, when I'm out and about, I'm fine. It's getting there that almost kills me. As soon as someone asks me to go somewhere or I'm invited to some place, my mind immediately starts gathering thoughts of how to get out of going. It can be as simple as getting a call and told to come over a friends house. I'll give the quick response of, I'm on my way and hang up the phone. Immediately I'm getting thoughts in my head about finding a way to get out of going. The more people that are wherever I'm supposed to go, the more nervous, if that's even the right word, I am. 

When something is planned in advance, and I'm invited early, I'm just a wreck. The entire period of time between invite and event is pure torture. All I can think about is how people will look at me or what they'll say about me. Ludicrous? Of course. Real? More real than you can imagine.

 I've found that if I'm early enough to anything I can stake my claim, as it were, and be prepared when others arrive. I just need to get the lay of the land, if you will, and I'm fine for whatever comes up. I just need to have some semblance of control over the situation no matter how little it actually is, and I can pretty much run the room. I'll easily lead conversation, make some jokes and actually be rather gregarious. I love when I'm in that moment and I know how ridiculous it makes all the fears seem. It doesn't change the fact that the fears are there and have a hold on me.

It was getting better for a couple of years, thanks to most of you guys. Recently though, It's returned with a vengeance. I missed the holidays this year simply because I couldn't get myself over to families places. I feel so empty on those days, it's incredibly lonesome. I've taken the proper steps to try to deal with the issue. Seeing Drs. and doing new meds, I'm sure it'll all help. 

Even with the help though, the fear is always there. I think that's the part that bothers me most. I can't stop thinking about it while it's happening. I become almost intrigued by the fear. Its like I need to figure it out, to understand it. Ugh! Shrinks right, it's exhausting being me.