Here We Go Again

I was on my way to the “Palace” to see the Pistons the other night. I was meeting a few friends that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I was thinking, though I really don’t like pro basketball, it’d be nice to see the guys, and best of all, the ticket was free. I got out of work a little early, came home and got Lucky out and changed then headed to the Palace to meet up with the gang.

I was about half way there when I started having one of my little episodes. You know the ones. My brain started telling me about all the horrible things that were bound to happen once I arrived. Of course, the people I was meeting wouldn’t really want me there. They were no doubt regretting their decision of inviting me before I had even arrived. Then the fight in my head started. I started telling myself how ridiculous I was being and knew that it wasn’t really happening. As I kept getting closer to my destination, the argument kept going and I started sweating and was having a hard time catching my breath. I ended up doing the dumbest thing possible and turned around and came home.

I’ve had these type of things happen to me so many times but it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. The obvious and most advised solution is to be on an anti anxiety medication. Well, guess what? I was. I got an RX for one a few weeks ago. I took one about an hour or so before I left work. It did absolutely nothing to stop my brain from telling me all the things we’re supposed to not believe about ourselves. Obviously, I need to see about getting a different one as Xanax does nothing to help.

Feeling like this is especially bad this time of year. The Holiday season is supposed to be a time to be together with friends and family and with the obligations to attend these events I’ve been in a mood to beat all moods since the Thanksgiving. I would give anything to be able to skip this time of year on a regular basis. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never minded working during the Holiday season. It’s the easiest out I have for anything. Unfortunately my store closes early on Christmas Eve and closed on Christmas day.

I guess I’m just writing this to sort of give an apology and an explanation to anyone that finds my behavior off putting and I hope they’ll understand that, truly, it’s not them, it’s me. I really wish I didn’t realize how childish this all is. Sadly, for me, it’s simply not the case.