Let's Try Something New

So I got the call from the company in Detroit today. I was told that I passed whatever background checks they needed and she will call me tomorrow with the money details and we’ll talk about a start date. It was quite a relief to finally get some semblance of structure in my life right now. I’ve been floating around a veritable whirlpool of emotions the last couple of weeks and it’s nice to come to a stop, at least temporarily.

I’ve spoken before about how different it is for me to want to stay in the Detroit area. I’ve spoken to a few people today about how difficult it is for me not to move away. I’ve been doing this moving away thing for years. Save the years I was married I have moved, literally, every two years since 1980. No special reason, just ridiculously restless I guess. Even while married I would always talk to Shelly about moving the family away from where we were. It’s never really mattered where I was or where I was going, I just had to go. My therapist (I think that’s what I should call her) asked me why I thought I had to go.

I told her that it wasn’t so much the destination that made me want to leave, nor was it the place I was leaving from. I said it was more the verb of moving rather than the noun of the destination. Like I’ve said before, it’s the squeeze more than the juice that makes me go. That’s one of the many reasons this has been such a tough time for me. I feel like I almost need to get in the car and just drive. I’ve gotten this way so many times over the years it’s almost like an expectation. I just get this itch that needs to be scratched.

This time it seems like I’m going to try to relieve the itch by putting some cortisone on it if you know what I mean. I’m trying to just plain make the itch go away without using the typical medicine I’ve given it over the years. I feel like I need to make this work. You have no idea of the fears I have running around my brain right now about all of this. I hope I have the strength to see it through

The reasons for staying are quite confusing for me too. Of course family is here and I don’t want to downplay that in any sense. The main reason, and I’ve stated it before, are all these friends I’ve regained in the last six months. Let me try to lay it out as best I can

Since moving to California in 1980 I’ve kept in constant contact with about three people. The rest of these folks are the ones that baffle me. Here’s a group of people that I’ve shown no loyalty to over the years and, as I’ve stated before, for some reason they want me around. It’s kind of daunting in a way. I mean, what have I ever done to deserve this, I don’t know, warmth from these people. Whatever it is I’m certainly not complaining. I just figure they’re just as nuts as I am. Why else would they think I’m this person they think I am.

Staying has now become something I feel I need to do. The right thing to do. I just feel I have to see this through, see if what they and I are feeling is real. Yes I’m showing my chick side again but there’s a love here that I’ve never felt both for and from others. It’s pretty special and I just want to hold on to it for as long as I can. Of course I can’t help but feel that they’ll all somehow come to their senses and see me for the fool I’ve always thought of myself but who knows? Maybe, dare I say it, I’m wrong? I hope you know what I mean when I say this next thing. Springsteen’s song “Born To Run” has a line in it that kinda says what I’m feeling. “I wanna know if love is wild, I wanna know if love is real”. Like I said earlier, I’ve never felt this kind of warmth from anyone other than family in my life and I kinda like it.

For you guys that have encouraged me to stay I thank you but also warn you. Be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.