I'm No King Of The Forest

I have fallen so far in the last couple of months; I’m truly at a loss. All the thoughts in my head are strictly “anti-me”. Getting to despise, once again, who and what I am is so draining. I constantly just want to plow under the covers and sleep forever.

I know, we all have these down times and, as readers already know, I’ve had my share. Lately though, it’s gotten really bad. I look at the things I do, or don’t do, and can’t help but feel that I’m just a shit. My son and I haven’t spoken in almost four years. Why? Oh, a million reasons. Any of them valid? Of course not.

So, the question becomes, why don’t I just call him? It’s a very simple reason. I’m a coward. I can’t stand the thought of any type of confrontation. The fear that he, or any of the numerous people I’ve lost over the years, would say the things to me that I feel I deserve truly encompasses me.

 I’ve lost touch with someone that was very important to me for, pretty much, the same reasons. We had a wonderful email/ chat relationship for a couple years and I stopped writing for a bit. When that happened, I started to fear the repercussions of what she would say when I did write. Once again, there is no logical reason why I just wouldn’t send her a note and just apologize. I simply couldn’t find the strength or courage to do just that.

 I can look back on so many instances of my profound cowardice throughout my life. It started as a kid and only became more and more defined, as I’ve gotten older. I guess it also plays into my famous anxiety issues. I mean, it seems to me they’re one and the same.

 I’ve been on meds to help with the anxiety and, against orders, I’ve stopped taking them. I just wanted to try to feel normal. Be a regular person. All it’s done is allow me to see who I am once again. That same person that’s afraid of my own shadow and is more than willing to run and hide, rather than face the folks that care about me most.

 I’m really not liking me very much right now.