Just a Little Steam Blowing

I’m having a hard time getting myself together lately. I’m in a position that is requiring me to exert an effort to, not only get by, but literally survive as well. The problem becomes even larger simply because I’m not sure I really want to try. That sounds different than I mean it.

Finding myself in a position like this sort of lends credence to the idea of me not being what others think of me. My stubbornness seems to win in situations like this and, on some level I’ve never truly connected with, I feel like yelling, “I told you so” to everyone I see on the street. Like this is what I’ve been trying to yell at everyone ever since I was a little boy and was being told how smart I was and what a great future I had. Well, the future is here and it isn’t so pretty now is it? See, “I told you so”. I win. Now where’s my prize?

I get so frustrated with myself when I get like this. I know that nothing is promised and I’m the only one to blame for any unhappiness I have in my life. That being said doesn’t ease the pressure I put on myself by insisting that I’m this nothing of a person that deserves only the worst that life has to offer. I know that I should do so much more in life. For whatever reason comes to mind at the time I convince myself that I really don’t need to. I’ve always got this same argument going on in my head on a daily basis. Why try if the end result is always the same?

I have so many good things in my life yet I can only seem to focus on them for a short time. My mind immediately goes back to those things that bring me down and the cycle begins anew. Why can’t the Tigers just get hits with runners in scoring position and make it all go away…