What's Next?

Maegan got here the night before last. She got in around 9:30 and after getting the dog, cat and boyfriend in the house I was finally able to look at my little girl. I haven’t seen her in about 16 months and it feels like a little puzzle piece has just been put in place. It also feels a bit strange. It almost feels as if I don’t even know her, a bit of a stranger in my house kind of thing. Hard to explain but strange none the less.

Things have changed quite dramatically in the last three months for me when speaking about my living situation. I was alone with Lucky in this big house for a little over a year. In January, Ryan, my nephew, moved in. with his cat, not too big of a change but a change. With the addition of two more, both humans and animals, it feels kind of confining. Sitting in my chair, as I always do, I feel like I can’t stretch my arms out. I’m not sure if it’s the addition of the houseguests or a metaphor for life in general.

I haven’t been in a good way for quite a while now and trying to get Maegan to understand without laying my whole screwed up thought process on her is quite the challenge. She’s only 18 and there really is no need for her to have to carry any of the weight on my shoulders. She’s already begun asking if I’m ok and I understand the concern. How do you explain that you just feel like crawling under a rock for the rest of your life to the person who needs you to stand up and be strong during what may be some of the most formative years in her life. Well, you don’t. So, you move along and hope for the best.

I want to explain the “not being in a good way” statement from above. I’m not talking about, well; I don’t really know what I’m talking about. A few years ago I wrote about this anxious feeling that makes me feel like I’m shaking uncontrollably. That’s what it feels like; only it feels like it’s my head that’s doing the shaking. It’s nothing different that’s going on, just with the sudden influx of people in my living space I don’t seem to have the room to do the “shaking” that I seem to be doing. Wow, that sounds so strange.

Well, it is what it is. God I hate that line. I mean, of course it is. I was in a class last week for work and whenever someone questioned why the company was doing something they thought made no sense, the instructor would say, “it is what it is”. Anyway, back to the anxious feeling. It’s like when you can tell that your blood pressure is rising except it feels like it’s always rising.

I got my car back the other day. The guy at the shop said I need new tires, great. So I’m driving home the other day and now there’s a noise when I touch my brakes, perfect. To top it off, the engine light came on the day before yesterday. Anyone got a money tree? Can’t figure out why I’m feeling this pressure, can you?