The Biggest Lesson Of All

I went to a funeral today. Strangest thing, I haven’t seen the guy in just less than 30 years and I feel like I lost a really good friend. I met the guy just after I moved to Oak Park when I was 11. He was a friend of my brother David for a few years. When I got into High School we started to blend into the same crowd and we would often see each other on weekend nights and at school. We’d also hang out at the “teen center” where we could smoke and play pool and ping-pong. I found it cool that his name was David Todd and so was my brothers.

We would party together and just hang out but I don’t think I was ever alone with the guy. I guess you could say he was just this side of an acquaintance. That doesn’t sound right, he was part of the gang. I couldn’t tell you his likes and dislikes or the things he liked to do, I just plain didn’t know him that well. I think that can be said about a lot of people’s friends in High School. So why is his death making me feel so empty inside? Well I think there are a couple reasons for that.

The first is that I still see David as he was. 17 or 18 years old and full of life. I see him the way he was when he and I, along with two other friends drove down to Cedar Pointe in the summer after my senior year. We stayed in a hotel for the evening and did the things that 18 and 19 year old kids do when they’re off on their own. Kids like that should never die. They’re supposed to live forever, at least that’s the thought when you’re that age.

Reason number two is much more basic. He was, as I stated earlier, one of the gang. A peer. It brings the fear of aging and the possibility of life ending right to the forefront. That’s just plain uncomfortable.

The funeral itself was much more emotional for me than I thought it would be. It was a graveside service so, as usual; I got there very early. I thought it very important that I go for the basic fear that I didn’t know if any of the old gang would be there. I was just walking around the site all alone. I guess you could call it meditating about life and all it’s questions that can never be answered.

The limo arrived with the casket and as the guy from the cemetery got out I asked him if I was in the right place. I was. I waited a few more minutes and asked him if he knew what had happened, how had David died? He said he hadn’t seen the paperwork so he didn’t know. The family started arriving and everyone was talking to each other and expressing condolences. I didn’t know anyone so I just stood off to the side and waited.

My friend Mark showed up and I felt a little more comfortable and then two other guys I knew from High School arrived. At least I had someone to stand around with. I joined them while they went to the family and we all gave our condolences. I introduced myself and was met with a familiarity from David’s sisters. Partially because my Brother was his friend and also because my last name was relatively well known during my High School years.

After the service was complete we hung around for a bit and two of David’s sisters approached me and we chatted for a bit. They asked how I knew David and I explained that. We talked about David for a bit and I told his younger sister that I felt horrible but I had to ask what happened. She told me that they found out about his death a day after he died and explained that the autopsy found clogged arteries and things of that ilk. She mentioned how sad it was that David had finally straightened himself out and had been clean for eight months and then this had to happen.

They both asked where I was living and when I said East Lansing they both expressed surprise at how far I drove to get there and asked me why I did it. I started to choke up a bit and told them how important I thought it was that someone from that stage in his life was there and I wasn’t sure who else would show up. They both reached out for me and held my arms and told me how sweet that was. I felt so odd being comforted by two women who had just lost their brother but I think my explanation helped them too. They introduced me to a couple of their friends and told them what I had said so I think it was a good thing.

I spoke to Jill, the younger sister, for a short time and she expressed the usual regrets about not knowing him better and how she wishes she had called him more often. I told her how natural that feeling was and told her my story of moving to Florida and looking up a number of my old friends and staying in contact with them. Most of those friends are you guys reading this right now.

I learned an important lesson from today’s events. I learned that I did the right thing by looking you guys up. I learned, even more than I thought, how important your friendships are to me. The same goes for my Brothers and Sister. I love all you guys and I don’t ever want you to forget it. Without you all I am nothing inside. In a post a few weeks back I asked of a certain family I knew, “How did they breathe?” the answer for me is easy. It’s all of you and I promise to thank my stars everyday for the rest of my life for the knowledge I gained today from a grieving Sister.