I Just Don't Buy It

I went to Yom Kippur services with my Mom last night at the local Synagogue. It’s by far, the biggest holiday of the year, for those of the Jewish faith. I haven’t gone for Yom Kippur since I was a little kid. I don’t know what I expect when I do these things but I’m always feeling let down after it’s over. I feel like such a hypocrite. I used to have the same feeling when I would let Shelly drag me to church every once in a while during our marriage.

Maybe it’s a type of jealously on my part of the people that feel the “spirit” flowing through them, I don’t know. I’ve written on a few occasions about my lack of faith and I don’t want anyone to think that I’m making light of those who do believe but I just can’t seem to buy it. I’m all for the “whatever floats your boat” thing when it comes to ones beliefs yet I find myself so, not angry, but maybe it’s disappointment in myself for not catching on.

I wish more than any of you would ever know that I could buy in to this concept of this almighty being. It just seems that life would be so much easier if I could. Yet, it seems not to be for me. I think it must go back to the concept of thinking too much. Being too logical, or at least thinking that way. The whole concept of a God is so illogical to me that most times I can’t even imagine it.

There are so many things in life that would be so much easier to understand if I had this belief that you would think, being the wimp I am, that I would jump right into it. But I just can’t do it. Plain and simple, it just doesn’t make sense to me.I know so many people of faith and I can totally understand how and why they have this belief. The problem I have is their amazement at the concept of someone not believing. I’ve always wondered how anyone of intelligence can entertain this faith they feel so strongly about, yet I know an incredible amount of very bright people who believe. It’s these same folks, in many instances, that are just as amazed that I don’t share this belief.

I’ve always enjoyed a well thought out discussion on the subject but it invariably turns into an ugly argument that can only be rivaled by a liberal/conservative fight. I get turned off very quickly by that and stop the discussion as soon as that happens. I’m all for anyone believing in anything they want, myself, I just don’t buy it.