Since my last post, I’ve kind of found myself in an almost funk, if that’s the right way to say it. I’ve always known the story but have always set it up as just an incident in my life that really didn’t matter. Something like a schoolyard fight that would be forgotten or placed so far back in my memories that I’d only cruise by it in my thoughts every once in a while.
I’m not sure what, in the last few months, has brought it back into the forefront of my thoughts. Sometime before Christmas I started hearing his voice. I’ve heard it a number of times over the years but this was different. It was much louder, much closer and much more consistent. I started waking up in the morning hearing it. I’d hear it throughout the day. I was always able to shove it aside in the past but this time, I just couldn’t shake it. I knew that he couldn’t harm me, or anyone else for that matter, yet still felt a fear. I keep finding myself right back where I was all those years ago.
Writing about it had to happen. It’s how I deal with everything in my life and this was quickly becoming something major. I’ve talked to a few people about the feelings that enveloped me while writing it and how I was able to finally admit to myself how much of an impact on my life this incident had. This is the first time I can remember placing blame on someone else for something so wrong with me. What I’m finding a bit difficult is that I actually find myself feeling guilty about pushing the blame onto someone else. Questioning how I’ve been unable to “get over” something that took place almost four decades ago. I know that there are so many others that have been through much worse and I truly marvel at their abilities to have gotten past it. They are much stronger than I, that’s for sure.
The problem I’m having now is the fight within myself over whether I was right in bringing it up at all. Since bringing it out into the open, I’m finding myself much closer to it than I’ve been in years. It’s a major topic of conversation in my head. I’m finding the smallest things in my everyday life have a way of reminding me of it. I just hear the voice on a regular basis lately. I know I’ll be seeing someone to talk to about it soon, my benefits just came through from work, and hopefully that’ll help me keep things in perspective. Until then though, all I can do is do all I can, if you know what I mean.
1 comment:
You know, Kev...talking about it and bringing it up and thinking about it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think these behaviors are the last step to letting it go. I know, it sounds funny..how does thinking about it make me let it go?
Well, for one, the more you think about it and write about it, you are cleansing yourself of this dirty secret you were ashamed of for all these years. You are "telling" on the guy, finally. Without realizing it, you are bitch slapping the mf'er and you are releasing the anger, guilt and all those feelings you have kept inside for so long.
It's like..when you do something that is so embarassing to you..whatever it is. The first few days you are mortified. You tell a friend or talk about it with a few people..and suddenly a few days go by and you don't care anymore. The super intense feelings you had suddenly vanished!
How did this happen..I mean, you were obsessed with it in the beginning, and poof! you just dont give a shit anymore. You let your mind process it to the point where it's cooked, it's done..seeya.
Remember, nothing is really bad until you start thinking about it as being so. We all have had "weird" experiences from the past which we now wonder about. The exercize is to get it out of your system. Cook it, fry it, nuke it. Then you can make room for the next catastrophic event!
It will get better.
Post a Comment