Tried real hard not to write yesterday even though I felt this mad urge all day long. I’m a pretty nostalgic kind of guy and even though I went out a couple times with friends, all I kept thinking about was that last New Years day was not a very good day at all. It was the day that I woke up with the realization that my brother had cancer. I couldn’t possibly count the number of times I found myself getting chocked up at the remembrance of that day. Thankfully Steve survived the scare and everyone’s feeling good about the way things turned out.
So why try to avoid writing all day? I just felt that once I started writing about it I’d spend the entire day doing nothing but dwelling on it and making myself, yes, forcing myself, to be down. I just didn’t want to feel that bad all day. That’s what happens when I write about something that has made me sad or is in the process of it. I dig myself into this funk that, though I might argue makes my writing better, just keeps me in the doldrums for the entire day.
Even though I kept thinking about Steve and the events of a year ago, I kept myself busy enough to make sure it didn’t destroy the day. I ended up meeting a friend for breakfast, came home and napped on and off for a few hours, then met the same friend and another for dinner and a movie. We had originally planned on going to this animation festival but once I found that the admission didn’t include the $15.00 bar minimum I was sort of turned off by the event. I can’t imagine a time that I would find myself drinking $15.00 worth of alcohol.
I did have a number of rather random thoughts throughout the day. I’ve been finding that I can really make the day go much smoother when I don’t totally concentrate on whatever the subject is at hand. It’s a good thing that I’m able to multitask in that way. I can easily converse with friends over dinner while at the same time run a number of different thoughts through the filter. I’m even able to store something for later if I think it’s something I may feel the need to write about.
Throughout the day I kept finding myself heading towards one common theme in these random thoughts. I kept getting to the end of whatever the stream was and would find myself thinking that it was good to be here. By here I mean the whole package. I mean it was good that I was able to spend New Years Eve at a friend’s house with a number of other folks and not feel pressured to do anything. It wasn’t too crowded, or too loud. It was easy to jump into a conversation if I felt the need, and just as easy to pop right back out of said discussion without feeling guilty.
By here, I mean walking Lucky in this ridiculously biting wind that wouldn’t go away yesterday morning. I mean, here in the middle of a million snowflakes, as I run out to my friend’s car as we headed out to breakfast. This friend, being someone I’ve known since I was 11 years old and have probably had a similar ride, out to breakfast with him at least a hundred times.
By here, I mean going to dinner with these friends I’ve known forever and walking to the theater from the car and the only thought I could verbalize in the frozen air was, “Dang, it sure isn’t warm out here.” By here I mean coming home after the movie and getting online and chatting with a few friends that I’ve only begun to know in the last year or so. By here I mean home.
Yes home. I’m starting to feel a little comfortable in my skin for the first time in ages. It’s different but doable. I have to register my car on Monday and I’m switching from Florida to Michigan. I’m debating on whether to get a personalized plate or not. If I do get one I’ve been thinking about what it might say. I think I might see if “I’m Home” is available.
No comments:
Post a Comment