A Rather Confused Post

So Steve called last night and gave me the news that we’ve all been hoping for. He was told that he was definitely a candidate for a transplant and it could be at any time. He was told to be ready as they could call today, tomorrow or in a month or six months. They just don’t know. I was making dinner when he called and was really excited, as was he, about the news. He sounded so up. It was refreshing to hear his voice in that way.

I went to the computer and changed my status on my Facebook page to let friends in on the good news and as I was typing it up I started to lose my composure and started crying. It was just a short outburst but it brought the whole enormity of the situation right into my face again. Incredibly uncomfortable. I know that there’s nothing wrong with the reaction I had and it’s to be expected in times like these but it brings so many thoughts into my head about what’s going on that it’s sometimes hard to deal with.

I’m not sure if worried is the right word to describe what I’m feeling. It’s all just so real, so intense, so damn ridiculous. I’ve sort of been able to push the thoughts to the back of my mind lately and though this is great news, it brings it all right back to where it started. It’s really conflicting. I mean, I want this transplant to happen, it’s the best possible scenario. On the other hand, obviously, I wish it never even had to be an option. Sounds rather childish and immature but that’s what’s happening upstairs.

I’ve always had a problem understanding how things like life work. I’m not a man of faith by any definition so looking to a God like figure for answers has never even crossed my mind. Boy, that sounds much colder than I mean it too. Anyway, my problem here is how something like this happens to a guy like Steve. I mean, here’s a guy that loves life and truly has tried to live it to the fullest. He’s always made sure that he tried everything at least once. Me, on the other hand, have never really cared about life. I really hope I can explain this well. I don’t want anyone to think I’m about to jump off a cliff or anything but, I have never really worried about whether or not my life was going to end at any time soon. Never been one to make sure I do this or that before I die. I know, that’s what depression does to someone and I totally understand that.

That still doesn’t change the fact that I would gladly give my life for Steve’s in a heartbeat. I would also do it for anyone that enjoyed life as much as he does. Man, this isn’t making the sense I want it too. It’s why I was so willing to be a donor if needed. The thought that I could possibly die from the surgery never crossed my mind. Not because I’m some sort of hero, but because I just don’t worry about it. Anyway, I see that I’m having a real hard time explaining what I really mean here so I’ll end this. Please know that I’m very happy that Steve got the news he did and I hope more than anything that everything works out in the best possible way. I’m still just as confused by it all as I was on the day we all found out he was ill.