One of the tougher things that come along with age is sickness. The body starts to break down at a certain point and it gets harder and harder to keep things feeling right. Being completely out of shape obviously doesn’t help the situation but even those who take care of themselves find it a little harder to move than they did when they were young.
I go to the doctors now and the exams that get done are so much more invasive than they used to be. Not that that’s a bad thing. I kind of look forward to certain aspects of it. (Just kidding mom). The number of things they check for now are things that, when I was young, I never dreamed even existed. Of course the things that can go wrong are also greater than while young.
Actually, before I go on, I should put in a little warning. Parts of this might be found to be offensive to some. I may get a little more graphic than you may be used to. If that’s going to bother you then I suggest you get out now while the getting’s good.
I don’t know how to start this next part so I’ll just say it. The Prostate exam is nothing like you ever think it will be. Each one has it’s own special charms. From the moment I turned 40 it’s like a bell goes off in every Dr’s. Office I visit. The gloves come out and I’m told to turn around and put my hands on the table. Now, I’ve never been searched by the police, but I think I’d almost prefer that.
I remember the first time it was done. At the end of the exam, with a Dr. I’d known and been friendly with for 10 years or so, he asked how old I was. When I said I had just turned 40 he smirked and reached into the drawer for a new pair of gloves. He said,” Kevin, you’ve now reached the age where I get to legally violate you and, best of all, you’re gonna pay me for it.” He also told me it was going to bother me a hell of a lot more than him.
He wasn’t kidding. I would think it goes without saying that this is not something one would normally enjoy. Well, normally. So this became an uncomfortable, yet common, occurrence for me whenever I’d visit a Dr. for a normal checkup. I would actually try to avoid going just to not have to deal with it. I mean, think about it. It’s really odd, especially if you don’t have a regular Dr. that you know and have a relationship with. Not that kind of relationship! Get your mind out of the gutter.
There was a time, around 10 years ago or so, that I had an actual scare. I found that when I went to the bathroom there was, as the medical profession would say, blood in my stool. It was pretty scary. I went to urgent care and the Dr. happened to be someone I had never seen before. He was much older than I was used to and of course he had me strip down as he put on his magic gloves. He had me turn around and started doing his thing.
Now, maybe it’s just me, but when someone has something poking him or her in places they’re not used to, it would seem that a normal reaction would be to “tighten” up as it were. Well, that’s what I did. My good Dr. seemed to have a problem with that. He asked, and I will never forget this, he asked if there was something wrong? He said I seemed really uncomfortable. Here was some old man, elbow deep in my ass, and he couldn’t figure out why I was “really uncomfortable”? Give me a break. It turned out that I was fine but it was an experience that, to say the least, was not one of my finer moments.
So now I have some serious questions about how I’m supposed to prepare myself when I go get an exam. I mean this man or woman, whomever it may be, is touching me in places that very few have gone before. I know, you’re all quite thankful for that, and you should be. But should I dress any nicer than I normally would, or might that make both the Dr. and myself a little uncomfortable? Should I wear nice cologne or maybe some fancy underwear? What if I dress down? Might the Dr. take that as a sign of disrespect and make the process much more painful than necessary? Wouldn’t that be a poke in the ass?
Sorry; I couldn’t help myself on that one.
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