I guess things have been going ok since I’ve moved down to the Detroit area. I’m working, seeing people on a regular basis and I’ve seen more Tiger games and concerts than I can count. It’s nice to be relatively close to a number of things to do and see. You’d think I’ve got everything one could possibly want. Well, you know me; I couldn’t possibly be satisfied with my lot.
Ok, that’s not really the right thing to say. Something within myself just isn’t right. I woke up a few days ago to get ready for work and I swear, the first clear thought that came into my head was telling me how great it would feel to throw some stuff in the car and just take off. I hopped in the shower, got ready for work and still, I kept thinking how easy it would be to just go. Where? Who knows? Why? Who cares? I’m just feeling like I’m being pushed down towards the ground. Kind of like fighting gravity and I’m not really sure how long I can, or want to keep pushing back. It’s really a strange feeling to explain, I just, I don’t know.
I was driving around the other day just trying to clear out my head for a while and found myself near the zoo. I’m normally not a big fan of zoos, I’ve always said the only thing I ever got out of them were sore feet, but decided to walk around there for a while. There’s something to be said for being all-alone in a crowd. There’s been numerous times in my life that I’ve felt that way emotionally but this was the first time in a while I was actually trying to be a alone in a crowd. It’s kind of nice being by yourself and being able to listen to others converse and have no expectations to give your thoughts on whatever they may be talking about.
I don’t know what it is about the whole concept of expectations that both bothers and frightens me so much. I’ve spent most of my life fighting against any that were ever had of me. I must say it’s certainly something I’ve been incredibly good at. I remember, as a kid, I would find out what anyone expected of me and do everything possible to ensure my failure at satisfying that goal. I wanted, so badly, to not go along with what others wanted or thought but wouldn’t dare want to stand up and say it. That might cause some sort of confrontation and I’m really bad at that. So, I always made my rebellion something that would stand up with my own version of logic rather than against anyone in particular. I still find myself doing that today.
I have such a hard time finding the middle ground of being social in my life. I moved here because I really needed to be around people. I’m now finding myself almost afraid to see them. All the old questions come into play: will they still like me the more they know me? Why would they? Etc… I know, to most people, this is all so ridiculous. There’s also a huge part of me that sees it the same way. Lately though the fears are getting more of a stronghold than I’d like. I’ve avoided people like the plague. I had my Fantasy Football draft last night and was invited to a party I could have gone to afterwards. My original plan, two weeks ago, was to go to the party after the draft was over. Midway through the draft I started getting the jitters and found a way to get away early and headed home. I couldn’t even consider the concept of going to be around more people, it scared me to no end.
I know, when I’m thinking logically, that nobody has any expectations of me that I wouldn’t have for myself and friends have even less than that. It’s the thinking logically part that seems to be resting more and more lately and I’m working on waking it up. I know that I and I alone do these things to myself. My therapist says it must be exhausting analyzing every thing I do or say before the fact and she’s probably right. Maybe I just need a little rest from all the ciphering. Think I’ll work on that next.
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