Shakin All Over

“Nervous tension, mans invention
is the biggest killer that’s around today.
Let the tension out or it will build and build
And sadly strike you down some day.”

Very strange feeling came over me today. Out of the blue I just had this sense of impending trouble. That’s not really how it is, let me see, it’s like I feel as if the, excuse the language, proverbial shit is about to hit the fan. Really weird, I feel as if someone’s ready to pop out from behind the next wall I pass and crush me. I truly can’t think of anything I’ve screwed up on, well, except for all the stuff I’m always blaming myself for but that’s normal. This is different.

My heart feels like it’s beating so hard that it’s about to rip right through my chest. I stopped at the store on the way home to get something and went to the blood pressure machine and it showed it to be much higher than it normally is. What the hell is this all about?

“Valium helped me for a while
but somehow Valium always seems
to bring me down. There’s no pill I can
recommend whose side effects aren’t
guaranteed to send you round the bend”.

Ok, it’s now the next day and I kinda figured out what the anxiety was all about. See, there was a comedian in town that I wanted to see and I told a number of people about it, while letting them know the details of it so they could join me if they wanted to. Well, it soon became much bigger than I wanted it to. At one point I had received 13 emails from different people saying they would see me there. Those kinds of numbers, though kind of asked for by me, made me really uncomfortable.

I don’t know why it made me so nervous but I swear, it happens way too often. I have no idea what there is to be afraid of, if that’s the right word. I spent most of the day yesterday thinking of ways I could get out of going at all. I literally argued with myself the entire time I was at work. I kept telling myself that I really wanted to see the performer so why would I punish myself by not going? On the other hand, the beating I gave myself all day and the day before was just as bad, if not worse.

What did I have to be nervous about? Nothing at all, of course. I’ve always had a hard time going anywhere to meet a group of people but I’ve always been able to deal with it in a fashion that the only time I would feel really off balance about it was in the car on the way there. Lately though it’s been getting harder and harder to contain the nerves into that short little time frame of the drive. I’ve been working on this for quite a while and it only seems to be getting worse. How can it be that I let the world know about something, then get all crazy inside if they want to enjoy it as much as I? Headin up to the shrink today, I’m sure we’ll talk about this for a bit. Jeez, sometimes it’s such a chore.

By the way, the two sets of lyrics are from a Kinks song called “National Health”. I tried to find it to put it on the playlist for the blog but it’s not available.