Making A Real Nice Groove In The Chair

I’ve really got to do something about this malaise I’ve been friendly with for the last couple weeks. All I’ve been doing, besides working, is sitting around the house and eating way more food than I should. I talk myself into thinking that I’m justified in my lack of leaving my chair but I know I’m just kidding myself. I’ve got a three-day weekend that I’m in the middle of and the only time I left the house yesterday was to go grocery shopping.

There were a few options open to me yesterday. There’s a jazz festival going on downtown and some big art shindig over in Pontiac that’s supposed to be a good time. I made sure to stay non-committal in my plans until well past the time anyone I would have gone out with had already left for the evening. I do that a lot, always have. Of course I’ve consistently convinced myself that I was too busy and that the day just got away from me, while the reality is always there and I know I’ve avoided the making of any plans on purpose. Yesterday’s excuse was that I wanted to watch football on the first real day of the college season. If there weren’t any football on I would have found another reason to ensure my not enjoying myself.

A friend of mine that lives on one of the lakes around here is having a beach party at his place this weekend. Normally I’d have spent the last week or so trying to talk myself out of going and would have probably ended up going anyway. When the invite came last week I looked at the guest list and immediately knew there was no way I’d be able to go. I sent the RSVP back with a maybe but, again, I knew I was just fooling myself. There were too many people going that I didn’t know and the comfort level would not have been anything near acceptable for me.

So I do this to myself and then feel this incredible jealousy when I see or hear of the good time anyone is having. How weird is that? I used to do that as a kid too. Friends would have something they wanted to do and I’d find a way out of it and then feel actual anger over the idea that they were enjoying themselves. Where’s the logic there? I turn down the opportunity to have a good time and get upset that others are having fun. You know, it’s one thing to make yourself crazy about the dumbest things, it’s quite another to do it on purpose. As I’ve stated before, sometimes it’s such a chore.

There are so many instances throughout my life where I’ve avoided the whole prospect of having fun only to regret it later. I don’t know if regret is the right word, well yeah, I guess it is. I’ll end up beating myself up over what seems to be the fear of my own shadow yet I simply refuse to get out of the sun, if you know what I mean. Well, the sun’s supposed to be out today and I’ll see what I can do about having a laugh or two with friends. All right, I’ll make a few calls. Ok, maybe I’ll just think about it…