If You Don't Expect Too Much From Me, You Might Not Be Let Down

There are a couple things Shrink and I talk about that seem to come up on a regular basis. They are my constant feeling of never wanting to offend anyone and my total fear of expectations. The not offending people isn’t about when jokes are being told or busting someone’s nuts over something, I’m talking about seriously doing all I can to not make them feel slighted in any way. I think, in a way, I’m like that to avoid any hint of confrontation, never been a fan of that.

The expectation thing is something a bit different. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I remember as a kid being told how much potential I had in school and I would do everything possible to make people realize they were wrong about it. Why would I do that? I tell ya, it’s one of the great unanswered questions of life. I stopped playing sports as a youth once people started telling me I had some talent at whatever the sport was and telling me how much further I could go with said talent.

I remember, as a kid, making a conscious decision to not drink simply because everyone expected me to join them. Granted, this isn’t a bad thing, but it most certainly has had an effect on my life. I would avoid parties that I was expected to attend, not go out on weekends simply because I was supposed to. I really became rather bratty about it. It became almost an ego thing, if you expected me to do it, well then, it simply wasn’t going to happen, I mean, how dare you think you could know what I was going to do.

The effects this has had on my entire life are far reaching indeed. When one doesn’t obtain the social skills and confidence one normally does as a youth by attending social gatherings, he kind of becomes used to the idea of continuing the trend into adulthood. It gets to the point where I end up convincing myself that I still need to make sure that I still don’t meet the expectations put upon me.

It doesn’t even matter who’s doing the expecting, it could be me, there’s always this little voice or force that’s pushes me away from it. I’ve become more aware of the battle within that goes on when trying to avoid the expected as the years have gone by. I think I’m getting better at not worrying about the expectation and just doing what’s right for me though there are still issues that arise on a daily basis.

Shrink and I talk about all the evenings I go out with friends and how “under pressure” I feel each time. She tells me I can always say no, that I don’t have to go out as often as I do. She’s right, of course. Just because I’m invited somewhere doesn’t mean I have to accept. There is another side to it though. I somehow have this feeling inside that I’ve missed so much as a kid and even most of my adult life that I almost need to accept all these invites. I’m almost afraid of missing all the chances that I foolishly avoided in the past. I actually told shrink that I feel like I’m afraid I just may miss something I might enjoy. Kind of like trying to redo the past.

Of course, along with all this are the normal, everyday conflicts I go through when I do anything. The anxiety builds and I do what I can to fight it off. Then there’s the whole expectation thing. I work on that everyday. It’s tough convincing myself that just because someone expects something from me doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. I’m just so crazy that I actually try to analyze each “expectation” to see if it’s worth the inner battle to try to get over or simply fall back to old ways and avoid it completely.

Once again, an essay with no clear finish. Of course, why would it be finished, that might meet someone’s expectation of me and why would I ever want that.

It Seems They're Stuck With Me

Had my 30-year high school reunion the other night. Before I get started about the whole thing, let me say this: I did enjoy the evening, it was so much better than my fears led me to believe it would be. Those that were responsible for the planning and organizing of the soiree, as it were, should be genuinely congratulated. I spent most of the last few months doing everything I could to avoid getting involved in the setting up of this grand event and after seeing what they went through to put the event together, I know why. Remarkably hard work to ensure the joy of each and every person that showed up and I know that everyone appreciates all the hard work they did.

There were well over 100 people there and, surprisingly, I remembered more of them than I thought I would. I say surprisingly because of the number of folks that showed up, I may have spent time with about 10% of them way back when. That, right there, is what seems to be weighing me down since Saturday night.

How on earth did I get so jaded?

So I’m at the reunion and seeing and talking to so many people that I had only dreamed of associating with all those years ago and the things they’re saying to me are the things I so longed to hear back then. I’ve always been totally convinced that many of these people thought me nothing more than one of those burnouts that was, at best, apathetic about anything that had to do with school.

I regret so much the fact that I never even attempted becoming more involved in school activities. I was casually friendly with a number of the kids that were, but never spent any time even getting to know them, nor did I allow them the opportunity to know me. I always figured they didn’t want to. Hell, back then; I didn’t want to know me.

Since coming back to Michigan I’ve been so fortunate to not only renew and grow those past acquaintances but have literally been introduced to those I never even spoke to back then and have found these people to be such wonderfully warm individuals that I’m made somewhat sadder realizing what I’ve been missing in them for all these years.

Well, there is a fix and I plan on spending the rest of my days ensuring that cure is successful. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve charged myself with a mission, that mission being to make sure those regrets are no more. I’ve said it before and yes, it’s so corny but it’s true. I am so in love with these people and everything they have to offer and I plan on bathing myself in that love till they simply can’t stand it anymore. Once that happens, I’ll just love them all a wee bit more.

Bar Night 2009

A few years ago a couple guys from my hometown got together and thought about how nice it would be to see all their old high school friends again. They decided that Thanksgiving weekend would be a good time for it as many of the out of towners would be in for the Holiday and they picked a local establishment to meet at. Last night was this year’s version and I get the feeling that it’s grown much larger than these guys ever dreamed.

This was my second go round with what has become known as “Oak Park Bar Night” and it truly is a major party. It’s almost like walking down the halls of my old school between classes. Seeing this group of people here and that gang over there. So many familiar faces, it’s kinda nice to know that I can identify most of them after all these years. I think most of those there could. Of course we’re almost cheating at the game because of this computer age we’re in.

There are a number of people who give me grief about my use of the social network Facebook. Yes, I’m quite the regular and you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. As I was ducking and dodging my way through the sardine can full of people from my high school last night, I couldn’t help noticing how many of the folks there were only there because of Facebook. Admit it, you guys that were a part of it, how many people that you are now in contact with from your youth are a direct result of Facebook? I’m willing to bet most.

Anyway, I met an old friend and her fiancé for dinner at around seven, a couple other folks came and sat with us, one that I hadn’t seen since junior high and as the place started filling up I felt the need to get out from the table and move around. I don’t know if I made the right decision. It was kinda six of one, a half dozen of the other. Rather immobile either way.

There was an amazing amount of people there. Everywhere I looked I saw a face that took me back. Sure, there were plenty of people I knew and am in regular contact with but this being the weekend of my high school reunion, I saw numerous faces of former classmates I haven’t seen since school. Some were good friends back in the day and others were just faces in the hall. All of them, in their own way, gave me the warm and fuzzies that I seem to be feeling more and more these days. I took my camera with me but, as usual, I didn’t really use it. I always feel weird about running around snapping away.

Tonight is my 30’Th high school reunion. I’ve not been to any of the previous ones and the old nerves of steel I’ve never had seem to be staying on their permanent vacation. It’s really strange, the way I feel going into any of these events. I’m so nervous leading up to the shindig it’s like I’m about to speak in front of thousands of people, yet once I get there, I’m totally at ease. It’s like I own the room and can do with it as I wish. I can control conversations and put things right where I want to. It’s like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. That’s kinda nice isn’t it?

It's That Time Of Year

So it’s upon us, the holiday season that is. I’m in the process of trying not to let myself be the grinch I always try so hard to become at this time of year, you know, trying to give myself a break. That’s not as easy as it sounds for someone like me, the holidays have always been an incredibly difficult time for me. What should one expect with all these self-imposed issues I insist on carrying around on a daily basis.

It always seems that the years are shorter the older I get and this one is no exception. It seems like just yesterday I was digging myself out of my holiday malaise from last year. It has been a rather eventful and busy year starting on New Years Eve of ’08 when I found out that Steve needed a liver transplant through my moving back into the Detroit area. So many emotions throughout it all and yet, I’m still here. Funny how sometimes it seems we just can’t make it through another day until the next time, when we feel it again.

I guess with the year I was having I really had no choice but to move back to the area that I grew up in. Be with those that gave me the comfort and warmth that I had missed so much since leaving childhood behind all those years ago.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a glass half full kind of guy and when Steve first got sick it kind of gave confirmation to my consistently dark view of life. I mean, of course this was happening, how else is life supposed to be? The worst part about it was the guilt I felt about it all. Not that I felt that I had done something to allow Steve to get sick, just that the only way I could see it was how it would effect me. I’ve spent the remainder of this year coming to the realization that thinking that way is perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean I’m some selfish person who only has the capability to think only of himself.

We’re coming up on Thanksgiving next week followed close behind by Christmas and New Years. I’ve also got my 30’Th high school reunion mixed in there too. Quite a bang to the end of the year. If I hadn’t stayed in Michigan and moved to Florida I wouldn’t have many of the “issues” I continue to have with this time of year. The holidays would be nothing to fear, there’d be nobody around and I’d just make them like any other day. Of course I’d only be fooling myself but I’d surely convince myself otherwise. As for the reunion, using the “I have to work” excuse would get me out of that. I’m sure I would have disappointed a few people but none more than myself.

See, the biggest thing about staying here was that it has forced me to live. I’ve spent so much time doing the complete opposite of that and was more than willing to head right back to that type of life but something made me stay. I’d love to believe that I looked fear in the eye and conquered it but, again, I’d probably be kidding myself. Whatever the reason was though has forced the issue. It’s forced me to get out from within myself and live. It’s made me accountable to family and friends in a way that I’ve had little experience at before. I’m not sure others can understand this but it’s really quite a challenge for me. Sometimes one needs a challenge.

So, things have actually been ok this year and, in a strange kind of way, I’m kinda looking forward to next year. Who knows, I might even allow myself to enjoy this living thing, it just might be worth the effort.

To all of you, I hope your holidays are everything you want them to be and I only ask one thing from each of you. Be nice to each other, it just makes things so much easier.

Why Didn't I Know This Then?

With my high school reunion coming up, we’ve been asked to write a bio telling everyone where we’ve been and what we’ve been up to for the last 30 years,. This is what I came up with:

I left Oak Park for the west coast at the end of June 1980. I arrived in San Diego on July fourth weekend without giving a thought to the city I left behind. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin back in school and I was convinced that most of my classmates either didn’t know who I was or worse yet, didn’t care. Those aren’t unusual thoughts for those going through their teen years. I did have friends but was never truly a part of any “clique” in school.

I spent around 25 years in California. I started working in a grocery store soon after arriving and took the career path to retail management that seemed like the right thing for me. I got married when I was 29 and divorced at 44. I am proud to have helped raise, what I believe, are three great kids who are now making there way in the adult world that we’ve all been forced to grow into at one point or another.

After my divorce I moved to Naples Florida where I continued working in retail management. I was there for just over two years and decided to move back to Michigan to be closer to my mother and sister. The question of why I would ever move back to Michigan after living in some of the most desirable cities in the country is one I’m asked quite frequently. The answer is one that is being shown to me more and more as each day goes by.

It’s many of you at this reunion right here. Before moving back to the Detroit area I had an opportunity to move back to Naples and continue my career with the same company I had worked for before moving back here in 2007. I really had a hard time making the decision, as the job opportunity I had here was nothing that I had aspired to. During this decision making process I learned something about myself. Though I hate to admit it, I like you guys and once in a while I get the feeling you like me too.

I found that there’s something to be said about old ties, new friends and stepping outside of ones comfort zone. I reacquainted myself with so many of you it’s sometimes dizzying. I have the opportunity to go out and see any number of you on a daily basis. I don’t always take advantage of that opportunity but it’s there if I want it and that’s a good feeling. I’ve also had the good fortune of getting to know some folks that I had never even dreamed of knowing back in school. I can’t describe how wonderful that is.

I’m always hearing from many of you how special it was growing up in Oak Park. How much more of a childhood we had than those from other communities. I never put much stock in that concept in all the years I was away. Coming back here, and especially moving back down into the Detroit area, I finally understand what you all meant. Oak Park was a great place to grow up, even if it took some of us more than 30 years to finally realize it.

Not Gonna Happen!

Little state of anxiety mixed in with a bit of sadness and a ton of confusion. I got a call last week from Shrink’s billing people telling me that my new insurance doesn’t cover her certifications. What that means is that I have no coverage any longer for my sessions and therefore, I can’t see how I’ll be able to continue seeing her. That may not sound like such a big deal to many but this is huge to me. When I hung up the phone I felt like I’d been hit in the stomach, like I’d had the wind knocked out of me.

I don’t know how to explain all that Shrink’s done for me. I can say without any doubt that I would not have stayed in Michigan if I hadn’t met up with her. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve seen numerous therapists throughout my life. I’ve never felt comfortable with any of them until now. I felt comfortable as soon as I walked into the office and was able to talk to her about things that I’ve only been able to write about before. I can say things to her that I would never, in a million years, say to anyone else. Like I said earlier, this was a huge setback for me. I need these sessions like I need to breathe. I cannot and will not start anew with a complete stranger.

When I’m on the couch, so to speak, it’s very similar to sitting in my chair with the computer on my lap. I go through many of the same emotions I do when I’m writing. It’s not always an easy thing to go through and it can be very exhausting. There are times, after a session, that I don’t even want to drive home just because of how worn out I feel. When I’m there it’s like I’m writing. The only difference is that it’s live and it can’t be edited for grammar. Actually, it is writing out loud.

Many of you that know me understand the differences between the person that writes the blog and the “public” person. I couldn’t possibly be the same person out and about in this world as I am when writing. I can’t imagine meeting someone that is so, I don’t know, emotional about every little thing. In Shrinks office, I’m that writing person and it’s an incredibly freeing feeling. It’s literally the same feeling as when I’ve finished a piece and posted it. The pressure is gone and I can go on about my business until something strikes me again.

I’ve had numerous occasions when someone that reads the blog will come up to me and want to talk about what I’ve written. That’s something that will never happen and this episode really does explain it well. The blog is my own Shrink, if you will, and when I speak to it it’s mine and mine alone. Just like when someone that’s seeing a therapist is asked about what they talked about, it’s a private matter. What I say in Shrinks office is private and nothing that I’d ever discuss in public. I would, however, have no problem writing about it. I know that sounds strange but that’s how it works for me.

We all have an inner monologue going on inside our heads all the time. Mine seems to just happen to demand more attention than others. That’s where the blog comes from and that’s where the need for therapy for millions of others comes from. When someone wants or needs to see a therapist I really believe that the best way to describe the reason is just that. Their inner “voice” is saying things to them that they can’t quite understand and need help interpreting. I’ve found, as I’ve explained in previous posts, that the writing helps in that interpretation. Seeing Shrink enhances and makes the interpretation even more clear. It also pushes me to look deeper than I want to for that very understanding I’m looking for. Suffice it to say; I can no more imagine my life without my writing as I could without Shrink.

I’ve spoken to Shrink and she’s trying to work out something with the insurance company and has told me not to worry, that something will be worked out one way or another. I know if there is truly no coverage she’d cut me a major deal on price but I’m not sure what I can afford. I’ll have to figure all the numbers out and find a way to make it work though cuz the alternative just aint gonna happen.

He Was My Friend

When I first got into management in the grocery industry, I was placed in an area of Los Angeles that, to say the least, was a bit on the diverse side of things. Well, diverse isn’t really correct, I was one of maybe three or four whites that were working in the district. I knew nobody and had no one to commiserate with about any issues that would normally arise in the grocery business.

On my first day I got a phone call from another Assistant Manager from a store that was close by. Keith introduced himself and offered his assistance in anyway he could help. It was very nice of him and I started depending on him immediately. I would call Keith at the drop of a hat asking about anything I had any questions about. If I needed product, Keith would supply it from his store. If I needed directions to a meeting or to another store, Keith would get me the info I needed. He truly helped me find my way in an area I knew nothing about. Keith and I would go to lunch when we could and sometimes dinner if we were working late. He became a friend and we seemed to get along real well. Keith was about a year younger than I and we had a good amount in common.

When I was transferred to a store in Redondo Beach, Keith was transferred to a store in Torrance that was close by. Shelly, my wife at the time, started working in the area and got to know Keith as well and we would sometimes all meet for lunch and just have a nice time together. We all got along real well. When Shelly and I moved to northern California I stayed in touch with Keith and would meet with him whenever I could while visiting down south and would often talk to him via phone from whatever store I was working at in the northern part of the state.

When I left Vons I didn’t talk to Keith as much as before and after my divorce I had lunch with him once and then moved out of state. I haven’t talked to Keith in almost five years. Shelly let me know that he left the company and I hadn’t heard anything about him since then.

Shelly sent me a text message the other morning telling me that Keith had a massive stroke in his sleep and that he had no brain activity. They were taking him off life support, she thought, that day. Keith was 47 years old and had a 15-year-old daughter. I know this piece doesn’t have any kind of flow and it may not be one of my better pieces grammar wise but I just wanted to get a quick message out to all of you.

My friend died the other day and I don’t think I ever told him how much he helped me during a major transitional time in my life. Once again, someone has slipped through the cracks of my existence without getting the proper credit he deserved from, in this instance, me. So the message I want to give to all of you is the same as I’ve said before and I don’t want any of you to forget it: Thank you for being who you all are. You have all done more for me than I could ever put in words and I will be forever grateful for every moment I have had the immense pleasure of knowing each and every one of you. I can’t stand the idea that Keith never knew how important he was to me at a very critical stage of my life and I don’t ever want to make that mistake again.