It's That Time Of Year

So it’s upon us, the holiday season that is. I’m in the process of trying not to let myself be the grinch I always try so hard to become at this time of year, you know, trying to give myself a break. That’s not as easy as it sounds for someone like me, the holidays have always been an incredibly difficult time for me. What should one expect with all these self-imposed issues I insist on carrying around on a daily basis.

It always seems that the years are shorter the older I get and this one is no exception. It seems like just yesterday I was digging myself out of my holiday malaise from last year. It has been a rather eventful and busy year starting on New Years Eve of ’08 when I found out that Steve needed a liver transplant through my moving back into the Detroit area. So many emotions throughout it all and yet, I’m still here. Funny how sometimes it seems we just can’t make it through another day until the next time, when we feel it again.

I guess with the year I was having I really had no choice but to move back to the area that I grew up in. Be with those that gave me the comfort and warmth that I had missed so much since leaving childhood behind all those years ago.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a glass half full kind of guy and when Steve first got sick it kind of gave confirmation to my consistently dark view of life. I mean, of course this was happening, how else is life supposed to be? The worst part about it was the guilt I felt about it all. Not that I felt that I had done something to allow Steve to get sick, just that the only way I could see it was how it would effect me. I’ve spent the remainder of this year coming to the realization that thinking that way is perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean I’m some selfish person who only has the capability to think only of himself.

We’re coming up on Thanksgiving next week followed close behind by Christmas and New Years. I’ve also got my 30’Th high school reunion mixed in there too. Quite a bang to the end of the year. If I hadn’t stayed in Michigan and moved to Florida I wouldn’t have many of the “issues” I continue to have with this time of year. The holidays would be nothing to fear, there’d be nobody around and I’d just make them like any other day. Of course I’d only be fooling myself but I’d surely convince myself otherwise. As for the reunion, using the “I have to work” excuse would get me out of that. I’m sure I would have disappointed a few people but none more than myself.

See, the biggest thing about staying here was that it has forced me to live. I’ve spent so much time doing the complete opposite of that and was more than willing to head right back to that type of life but something made me stay. I’d love to believe that I looked fear in the eye and conquered it but, again, I’d probably be kidding myself. Whatever the reason was though has forced the issue. It’s forced me to get out from within myself and live. It’s made me accountable to family and friends in a way that I’ve had little experience at before. I’m not sure others can understand this but it’s really quite a challenge for me. Sometimes one needs a challenge.

So, things have actually been ok this year and, in a strange kind of way, I’m kinda looking forward to next year. Who knows, I might even allow myself to enjoy this living thing, it just might be worth the effort.

To all of you, I hope your holidays are everything you want them to be and I only ask one thing from each of you. Be nice to each other, it just makes things so much easier.