Looking For A Hideaway

My original intent when I moved back to Michigan two years ago was to not only be near family but to also get myself out of the retail industry. Due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, the business I found myself in simply went into the tank. The result of that, as stated in a few posts when it happened, was that I got laid off. When that happened I went back to what I know and found myself in retail once again. Not really where I want to be but pretty much the only thing I’m really qualified for.

As soon as I saw that I was going to be in retail again my old friend depression came for, what has become, his longest visit to date. As winter came I found myself feeling as grey as the sky on a daily basis. The job didn’t help either. The company I went to work for is one that’s in dire financial straights and have to run their business under those conditions that simply do not promote a satisfying career.

Those things, along with a number of other issues in my life have put me in a place that I find all too familiar. I feel boxed in with little hope of getting free. Like I said, it’s a familiar feeling, one I’ve had numerous times throughout my life. It’s a tough gig to not like yourself under normal conditions, it’s almost unbearable when you’ve given yourself so many reasons to feel that way.

Not all things are so bad. I’ve spoken so many times of the people I have reacquainted myself with since moving back here. Truly, one of the great joys of my life. I can’t imagine the thoughts that would surround me if I didn’t have all these folks to yap with on a regular basis. I find myself, on a daily basis, almost pinching myself to see if I’m actually awake. How else could I have found myself inserted into the lives of so many incredible people? And to think, they have actually allowed me to consider them my friends. It’s an amazing feeling and one I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my days. It really is overwhelming at times.

Now I find myself reverting back to another thing I know best, running away. I’ve been offered a job with the company I worked for in Florida and it looks as if I’m going to take it. I know I’m letting a number of people down with this decision, myself included, and for that I truly apologize. I can’t explain why I do the things I do sometimes and in moments of clarity I often can’t believe how I’ve led my life. For those I’m disappointing, I ask for your forgiveness and beg for your understanding.

I do realize how strange this seems but I feel like if I don’t run something’s going to catch me. What? Who knows, but I’m deathly afraid of whatever it is. Actually, I probably do know what it is and I think it’s me. I don’t know, I kind of feel like if I run far enough away, maybe I won’t find me. See, the problem with finding myself will force me to make myself accountable for the things I do and I truly couldn’t handle that. So, odds are I’ll spend my life doing this, as I have repeatedly, on a regular basis. I’ve been doing this since my early 20’s and, as strange as it sounds, I don’t know any other way of living.

Trust me, I know how strange this is. I don’t think I’d understand someone who does these things. I will totally understand the thoughts of those that don’t stick with me. I just, I don’t know, it’s all I know and yes, people can change but I’m much too big of a coward to attempt something so noble. I hope all of you will still allow me to be a part of your lives as I treasure you more than I could ever explain. To my family, please, please try to understand. If you find that you do get it, maybe try to explain it to me.