Taking Stock Again

It really has been an amazing couple of weeks. Steve went home the other day, which is quite an incredible thing when you think about it. With that comes a whole new set of thoughts and emotions. It’s a little strange to believe that he’s well enough to head home less than two weeks after getting a new liver. I’ve spoken to him a number of times since the surgery and he sounds better each time. It’s quite comforting to know that he’ll be home and presumably falling back into his life as more time allows more healing.

We’ve all heard the saying that life is short and this whole episode with Steve has really given that phrase new meaning to me. I’ve spent a lot of my time just looking back at who and what I’ve become after 48 years of never really trying to do anything. I can say that with less effort than any of you could imagine I’ve led, at the very least, a halfway decent life. I’ve lived in some of the more decent parts of this country, traveled to Australia, all over the Caribbean and all over this land of ours.

I’ve been married to and divorced from a woman who, at least I think, still cares a great deal about me. Helped raise three kids that I adore and have never really shown them how much and have a granddaughter that I’ve yet to see in person. I’ve got siblings that have never failed, in their own ways, to let me know how much they care and a mother who is simply the definition of the term unconditional love. My father, on the other hand, well, that’s a whole new post. My Mother in Law has never let me forget how much she cares, as have numerous other relatives. For all I’ve mentioned so far, I’m incredibly grateful.

Over the last year or so I’ve found I’ve got more friends than one should be allowed. For reasons I’ll never understand they each, in their own ways, have decided to allow me and my stunted life into theirs and seemed to have welcomed me with open arms. Yeah, I know, I’m putting too much thought into it but it kind of freaks me out. You know, what do they see that I don’t? It really doesn’t matter though because they seem to be in it for the duration and trust me, that’s a good thing.

So, it would seem, I’ve led quite the charmed life. On many levels this is true. Well then, why am I so miserable? Why is it that the only person I know that truly doesn’t like me is me? I’ve been looking for that answer for as long as I can remember and wish more than you’ll ever know that I could just stop thinking about it. Well, I can’t and don’t see myself ever being able to. That being said, I’ve spent my entire adult life, except for the time I was married, just trying to make myself fit into whatever my living situation has been. I’ve come to the conclusion that these thoughts and feelings simply aren’t going to go away. Not being one that would ever do anything to hurt those that care about me, please know that doing anything to possibly hurt myself or worse isn’t and has never been an option. What is an option is to find that “happy place” that I’ve spoken about and just live the rest of my life and hope to just settle into the most comfortable mind set I can.

There are a couple options out there and I’m looking very carefully at each and hope to have somehow decided what I’m going to do in the next couple weeks. Since being miserable seems to be a constant, I may as well find a place that I can be miserable yet, I don’t know, comfortable. I’m just not sure. Once again, I’ve got a lot to think about and to all my friends and family, please try to understand whatever decision it is I make. Your support has always helped me get through each day and I hope that continues throughout this journey.