Venting Away

I’m really not too hip on the protocol on how things are supposed to feel with this whole thing with Steve going on. I’ve been talking to a few people about it and I keep saying that I almost feel selfish. I mean, isn’t it only natural to see this whole thing as how it affects me? It has to be doesn’t it? I mean, when I see the world I see it through my eyes. No matter how hard I try to put myself in another’s place it just doesn’t work.

I’ve been talking to so many people about what’s happening and so many have offered an ear or shoulder but how do you even begin that conversation. Hi, I’m afraid my big brother may be dieing? This is my big brother! I’m finding myself, throughout the day, completely breathless. I’ll be at work doing something mundane and out of nowhere my eyes well up and I literally have to hold onto something until I can catch my breath.

I’ve always been able to just get in the car and drive whenever anything has been on my mind. Now, when I need that comfort most, I find the car to be my most feared enemy. Almost as soon as I pull out of my development I have to pull over because I just don’t think I have the strength to turn the steering wheel. Once on the road I can’t seem to get the music loud and hard enough. I no longer sing along to it, I scream. I scream so hard that I can barely talk when I arrive at whatever the destination may be. The hardest thing is going to work. It’s normally about a half hour drive. It’s been taking almost twice that now with the little stops I make. I actually had a policeman knock on my window this morning as I had pulled off the freeway to try to collect myself before moving on. After explaining my embarrassing moment to him he left and all I could do was bang my head on the steering wheel a couple times.

I don’t just feel empty, I feel there’s even less there than the emptiness. I simply can’t breathe. There’s nothing there to force the air. I slept on the couch down here in the living room last night, fully clothed, because I didn’t think I could make it upstairs. I don’t even want to tell you the adventure it was to get up the stairs this morning to shower and shave. It’s probably a good thing that I work because, odds are, I’d never leave the chair. I know this will pass but I almost feel as if I somehow deserve these feelings. I know, there’s no logic there and that’s what makes me know that I’ll get by.

I’ve written a couple times in the past about the child inside all of us. How age and circumstances are always taking swipes at that child. I’ve written about how these things are always chipping away at that kid. This is easily the biggest hit I’ve taken and all I can think is how will I ever bring that kid to life again. That child is the one true thing I’ve had with me for as long as I can remember and I don’t know how one goes on without him.

I understand that Steve is still here and there have been plenty of people that have had liver transplants and done very well with them. I, of course, hope that Steve has the same if not better results. I told Steve that I would gladly donate part of my liver to him and we’re both in the process of finding out our blood types to see if we’re a match. I didn’t offer this because I’m some kind of hero, there’s nothing noble here. Those that know me very, very well know the reasons. They simply wouldn’t make sense to those that don’t. suffice it to say, there was never any question in my mind.

I really don’t want anyone to think I’m in any kind of danger. I’m just venting here. I know some of these feelings and actions are things I should keep to myself but again, if you know me, you know I can’t. This is my sounding board. Just keep him in your thoughts kids. On the Facebook site I’ve written about lately I joined a cause for the awareness of Hepatitis C. Well, this is why. Steve has had it for a number of years now and it seems this is the result of it.

It’s just so weird to feel this way and to be in this position. This is my big brother.