Happy Anniversary

I should probably be a great deal more depressed than I am right now. Today would have been my 19’Th wedding anniversary. Don’t get me wrong; I most certainly have had a number of different things running around upstairs today, some good, some not so good. This is the third January 19’Th that has passed since Shelly and I split and this one, more than the others, has monopolized my mind all day.

I think Shelly and I kind of knew that the marriage wouldn’t last pretty soon after we got hitched. Nothing horrible happened, I was just very inexperienced in the ways of relationships. I was 29 at the time and Shelly was my first real girlfriend. We dated for around a year and got married in Vegas. Don’t put too much thought into the Vegas thing, we were planning a wedding and realized how much money and hassle it was going to be so we just opted for the easier way. I don’t think either of us regret that.

Shelly had two kids from a previous marriage and we both commented on how easily I adapted to the life change. It didn’t take long before I stopped considering Amanda and Blake stepchildren and called them my own. I know that they both consider me their father and have never made me feel anything less than the real thing. I’ve written before about my walking Amanda down the “aisle” at her wedding. There was never any doubt that that was my job as her Dad.

We had Maegan in August of ’90 and we both really enjoyed that. Shelly had experience with babies and I didn’t but she let me pretty much do whatever I wanted with her. Maegan and I went everywhere together. I even used her as a prop in a speech I had to give at school. It was a speech that had me showing how to do something. I chose to show how to change a diaper. It was pretty cool.

Time passed, our careers went along their ways and life just went on. We really enjoyed each other’s company. We were really great friends. When it came to being a husband however, well, let’s just say I was a great friend. We rarely fought, and when we did I’d usually just let it go and let her have her way per se’. We didn’t really go out much; I was even more uncomfortable then than I am now when it comes to socializing. We did though enjoy each other’s company.

I think we both got real comfortable for a while and before we knew it we had 15 years under our belts and neither of us were very happy with our lots. There was a long period of time there when outsiders thought we were the perfect couple. The kids’ friends always considered us the cool parents and everybody except the two of us thought we’d had the perfect life going on. Well, we didn’t. It happens.

I’m not upset that we were married; I’m not depressed because we got divorced. I miss the friendship we had. We rarely speak anymore. We don’t hate each other. We just have different lives. Shelly was the best friend I ever had and I’ll treasure that for the rest of my life. We tried to stay close after the breakup but it just didn’t work for me and I’m gonna try to put the reason in words.

See, when you’re married or in a relationship for as long as we were you get to know each other remarkably well. You know each other’s quirks, habits and most importantly, at least to me, you know each other’s secrets. Shelly knew me better than anyone ever has. And there, my friends, lays the problem.

It’s a problem because when one gets into a new relationship those secrets, once held so tightly, are now secondary to the new relationship. When something comes up, our relationship would now be used as an example of whatever is going on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s probably pretty normal. I’m just not the kind of guy who can deal too well with that. I’m not saying that Shelly sits there and tells her date all about me. I know she doesn’t. It’s just that the things I thought were just between us are now secondary to the new relationship. Again, I’m not saying that’s wrong, it’s just the way it is.

Like I said earlier we don’t really talk anymore. She called when she heard Steve was sick and I wouldn’t have expected anything less. I still consider her part of my family, a bit estranged, but still part of my family. I know that she would be here in a heartbeat if something happened to me and I hope she knows the same is true for me. I talk to her mother on a regular basis and still call her my mother in law. I still think of her sister as my sister in law and so on and so on. The bottom line is that I’ve lost a really good friend and today is the anniversary of that really good friendship’s beginning. That’s the kind of stuff that’s going through my head today.