Look Into My Eyes

You know, during the last month or so I’ve been revisiting my past a great deal. I’ve been hanging out on websites that help one connect with others and I’ve ended up getting in contact with a number of folks that I haven’t heard from in years. It’s pretty cool hearing from this long lost group of schoolmates as it brings back memories that take me to a time in life that I constantly wish I could do over again.

See, I spent my entire youth thinking that I was alone. Finding these folks that knew me back then really shows me that how one thinks of themselves can be so different than the way others see you. I am one of the most insecure people I know, to me, yet talking to those that knew me back then I get the impression that that side of me never really showed itself to them.

I posted some pictures of when I was a kid from the age of two until my senior year of high school onto my “Facebook” page and the comments received from people have kind of taken me aback. First is the recognition. The “hey, I remember you,” type things. Then I’ve gotten a couple from some girls I knew back then that tell me what a crush they had on me back then or how “cute” they always thought I was.
I cannot imagine what I would have done if I knew they felt that way. I don’t think I can remember a time in my life when I thought I was the least bit attractive and here are the very girls I use to be so afraid to even talk to telling me that they would have welcomed such an event. My fear of myself would never allow such a thing to have happened but it’s really nice to hear these things. It’s nice to feel that I may have been wrong about myself all those years ago. Of course the logical side of my brain has probably always known that. It’s the emotional side that always throws me into these tizzies.

I got in touch with one woman that I first met in fifth grade but haven’t seen or spoken to since the early eighties. When I sent her the original contact note I told her that I had always liked her because she always made me laugh and that was something that’s always been very important to me. In her response she stated that she was so glad to get in touch again because I was always so nice to her. I felt pretty good about that and I thought about that very statement for quite awhile.

I probably would be pretty upset if I found that there are people out there that I haven’t been nice to. One of the things I’ve always thought highly of about myself is that I’ve always treated people well. That’s not to say that I haven’t made fun of people, everyone does, I have just always thought that at the end of the day people really can’t complain about the way I’ve treated them. I think anyone can say that when looking at pictures of the groups of people they knew when they were young that this guy or that was “such a jerk” or “what an ass”. I truly don’t think that I can think of anyone back then that would think that way of me. That, my friends, makes me feel good. You know, I did something right.

One of the things that I’ve attempted to do while writing this blog is the proverbial self-examination. Looking to identify certain stages of my life and either the mistakes or the things done right throughout. Not that I could do anything to change the past or that I’m looking to blame anyone for my faults. I just, I don’t know, want to see if I can figure out the causes of both the good and the bad.

One of the pictures I posted is of my school picture for 11’Th grade. In it I have long hair and it’s kind of mussed up. I may very well have been high at the time but I don’t think it’s obvious or anything. The thing I notice most about it are my eyes. Something about them kind of captured me and I found myself staring into the picture. It seemed as if I was staring at them, searching them for a sign or something to let me know that he, or I as it may be, was ok with how I’ve turned out. I hope that if the boy in the photo could look into my eyes he’d see that though I may have been wrong about a great deal of the things I’ve done, I never purposely hurt anyone and my thoughts are not very far from the way I was back then, we’re ok. I think he’d think we’ve done all right and I think I agree with him.