All Or Nothing, Nothing In Between

I really think that old age is getting to me. Physically, it’s been showing for quite a while. Now, however, I’m starting to feel the effects mentally.

I don’t know exactly what you’d call it but my short-term memory is shot. For the last two or three weeks I can’t seem to remember anything that people tell me or show me at all. I mean it. It’s so embarrassing. I can’t seem to remember any plans I make and I constantly have the feeling that I’m missing something. Even when people ask me about future plans I have to hesitate because in the back of my mind I think I have made other commitments.

I take a pill everyday for heartburn. It’s a prescription. I even have one of those pill containers for each day of the week. I usually forget to fill it and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost track of whether I’ve taken the pill or not. The only way I can tell is when I’m awakened in the middle of the night with major heartburn like tonight. Oh, sure, I’ll take a pill now but it’s 1:30 in the morning and it takes an hour or so for the pill to work.

One suggestion I’ll surely get is to start writing things down. There is no way I could write down all the things I see or talk about every day. Besides, this came on so suddenly it really kind of scares me. I’ve always been one to remember everything. It’s always been a kind of source of pride. My memory has always been there for me to rely on and it’s not something I feel I can afford to lose, even partially.

I know that this could very easily be chalked up to getting older but I just don’t think that type of loss happens so fast. If it does, I hope it goes completely. I think the worst part of this is knowing. I have written in the past about mental illness and how horrible it must be if you know you suffer from it. Well, that’s my fear here. I don’t want to know about it. If I lose my memory at all, I want to lose all of it. I hate the way I’ve been feeling lately when I think I’m forgetting something. I literally feel like I’m going crazy. And this is the first time that’s ever bothered me.