A Rather Confused Post

So Steve called last night and gave me the news that we’ve all been hoping for. He was told that he was definitely a candidate for a transplant and it could be at any time. He was told to be ready as they could call today, tomorrow or in a month or six months. They just don’t know. I was making dinner when he called and was really excited, as was he, about the news. He sounded so up. It was refreshing to hear his voice in that way.

I went to the computer and changed my status on my Facebook page to let friends in on the good news and as I was typing it up I started to lose my composure and started crying. It was just a short outburst but it brought the whole enormity of the situation right into my face again. Incredibly uncomfortable. I know that there’s nothing wrong with the reaction I had and it’s to be expected in times like these but it brings so many thoughts into my head about what’s going on that it’s sometimes hard to deal with.

I’m not sure if worried is the right word to describe what I’m feeling. It’s all just so real, so intense, so damn ridiculous. I’ve sort of been able to push the thoughts to the back of my mind lately and though this is great news, it brings it all right back to where it started. It’s really conflicting. I mean, I want this transplant to happen, it’s the best possible scenario. On the other hand, obviously, I wish it never even had to be an option. Sounds rather childish and immature but that’s what’s happening upstairs.

I’ve always had a problem understanding how things like life work. I’m not a man of faith by any definition so looking to a God like figure for answers has never even crossed my mind. Boy, that sounds much colder than I mean it too. Anyway, my problem here is how something like this happens to a guy like Steve. I mean, here’s a guy that loves life and truly has tried to live it to the fullest. He’s always made sure that he tried everything at least once. Me, on the other hand, have never really cared about life. I really hope I can explain this well. I don’t want anyone to think I’m about to jump off a cliff or anything but, I have never really worried about whether or not my life was going to end at any time soon. Never been one to make sure I do this or that before I die. I know, that’s what depression does to someone and I totally understand that.

That still doesn’t change the fact that I would gladly give my life for Steve’s in a heartbeat. I would also do it for anyone that enjoyed life as much as he does. Man, this isn’t making the sense I want it too. It’s why I was so willing to be a donor if needed. The thought that I could possibly die from the surgery never crossed my mind. Not because I’m some sort of hero, but because I just don’t worry about it. Anyway, I see that I’m having a real hard time explaining what I really mean here so I’ll end this. Please know that I’m very happy that Steve got the news he did and I hope more than anything that everything works out in the best possible way. I’m still just as confused by it all as I was on the day we all found out he was ill.

What Is Love?

“What is love, anyway?
Does anybody
love anybody anyway?

I’ve recently been talking to a few people, two on Facebook and two others on the phone about my feelings on love. What it is, is it worthwhile and is it real? I know I’m quite naïve on the subject, simply out of lack of experience, but I find it surprising how many people are either down on the subject or take the emotion for granted. Well, today’s lesson kids, is all about the power of love and the need to constantly search for it. I believe, not only in love itself, but that the quest for it is essential for us to survive.

I’ve spoken on numerous occasions about my lack of success in the love department. I’m quite reluctant when it comes to pulling the trigger when it comes to any possibilities of it but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish for it to occur every single day. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that no matter what anyone says, everybody else is looking for it too.

It is, as John Lennon stated so eloquently, all you need. The true Holy Grail. Once it’s found, in it’s truest form; it has the power to soothe the most savage of beasts. Now that I’ve thrown out the obligatory clichés, allow me the opportunity to give you a few examples of love in this purest form that I’m talking about.

There is, of course, the obvious. A newborn baby being held by his mother. I know a number of you out there are mothers and I want you to think of that moment. That moment when you first looked into your baby’s eyes. I want you to remember that warmth that started in your chest and spread like wildfire throughout the rest of your body. I want you to remember how your eyes filled with tears, and I want you to remember how you felt like you were experiencing an out of body experience. That kids, is true love.

Along the same lines is the love we’ve all seen of a little girl and her daddy. I have experienced this type on numerous occasions. Two quick examples are of Maegan when she was a baby. The excitement she showed when I would come home from work sent shivers down my spine. I use that memory quite often when I’m down and still feel that tingle throughout my body.

The other is when Amanda, my oldest, told me at her wedding that little girls always look for their fathers’ to marry. She then looked at her new husband, then me, and nodded. I got chills writing about it right now.

There is also the love that I’ve written about recently that I’ve personally experienced right here on this computer. It’s the love of friends. It’s the love I’ve felt since reconnecting with so many people that have shown such a warmth towards me and others that you can’t help but feel it.

Then we have the love between two people that seems so hard to attain. Don’t misunderstand me here. I know there are many out there that are happily married and have been in love for years and years, that’s wonderful and I congratulate you. I wish for you the kind of love that makes you want to wake up each morning. That’s the kind of love that I’m really trying to talk about.


See, I really believe that the kind of love that two people can share can be the most incredible thing known to man. It can give one strength they’ve never thought possible. How would I know? Well, I don’t, but like I said, I do believe this to be true.

I know for a fact that most wish for that kind of love. Just go to any movie theater and see any kind of love story. When it’s over, and I don’t think it matters what sex you are, when the two people that you’ve watch struggle through the whole movie finally get together, you feel it. You feel that warmth. You feel happy for the two of them. You also feel a bit jealous and I think we all know why. We feel like that because they found it. They found what we’ve all been looking for and know is almost unobtainable.

I know I’m gonna catch all kinds of crap from all sorts of people about how naïve I am in feeling the way I do about this but I’m willing to take the heat. I’ve mentioned to a number of people that one of my all time favorite movies is, “Love Actually”. Yeah, I know, chick flick. Be that as it may, I love it. Anyway, at the beginning of the movie is a scene at Heathrow Airport and the voice over is talking about how you can see love in all its dimensions at the arrival gate. Just to show you all how far ahead of my time I am, when I was a kid I started going to airports when feeling like I could use the sight of happiness and love. Still do it to this day.

Try it next time you’re there. Just watch people when they see each other after a trip of some sort. If you look close enough you’ll see it. Not often, but it’s there. You’ll see that one couple that has that spark. You’ll see the look in their eyes and the glee in their hearts and you’ll feel it. And you’ll say, “know what? Kevin was right”. I’m telling ya kids, it’s the Holy Grail and who doesn’t want to drink from that cup?

An Open Letter To My New/Old Friends

“I’ve wondered much further
today than I should,
and I can’t seem to find my way
back to the wood”;

This is going to sound so much stranger than I want it to but I just want to thank you guys. I need to thank you for so much more than you’d ever believe or understand.

I know I’ve written on a few occasions about how cool it has been finding you all and how appreciative I am for getting to know you all again. I really want to try to explain why it means so much to me. Please understand, I’m in no danger of hurting myself or anything like that. I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.

Some of you know me well enough to know that depression has been a companion of mine for as long as one can remember. I’ve been through therapy on numerous occasions and have taken anti depressants at different points in my life. Nothing ever really helped to ease the sad thoughts in my head. It’s something I’ve learned to live with and have sort of come to terms with the whole concept. That being said, I’ve still had to go on with my life.

Until the last few years I’ve pretty much sheltered myself away from anything that could be considered “putting myself out there”. Except for a very few people in my life, I’ve always been afraid of talking to people in more than a business setting where one might discover the “real” me. Whether the “real” me is something to be ashamed of had and still has nothing to do with it. I didn’t, and still on most days, don’t like him.

I started writing this blog in June of 2006. At first it was just something for me to spew out my thoughts on politics, religion and other items that raised my ire. For some reason I started writing about me and who and what I’m about. I turned it into a journal and put stuff on it that people would normally never put out for public perusal. I found a release in writing that I’ve never felt before. I’ve spent the last two and a half years on this blog trying to “find” myself per se’. You know, who and what I’m about. Kind of like peeling the onion that we’ve all heard of in our psych classes. I’d like to think it’s helped but who knows? It is what it is and one must go on.

I woke this morning on my birthday and found so many birthday greetings from you guys on my computer you’d think I was famous. I know I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it but I can’t help it. I went to lunch with a friend I’ve recently become reacquainted with and then spent the evening having dinner and seeing a show with a group of people that six months ago, most were just a blip in my memory and I on theirs. I had what probably is the most wonderful birthday I’ve ever had and it’s all because of you.

I find myself, again because of you guys, putting myself out there more than I have since school. I’m stretching and growing in ways that I had forgotten were possible and once again, it’s you guys that are responsible for it. I can’t imagine just staying home when I’ve got two days off in a row anymore. It’s easily the last resort now that you’ve all re-entered my life and I can’t thank you enough for it.

At the top of the post are some words from the Kenny Loggins song “House On Pooh Corner”. It’s the song that played first when you came to read this piece. Anyway, that verse says a lot about what I’m talking about. I’ve always been so afraid of wandering too far from home. With all of you, I’ve found it so much easier to find my way back to the wood and each of you could live to be 1,000 years old and still never really understand how much that means to me.

Oh Those Friends Of Mine

Well, here’s another post about the things I’m finding on Facebook. Com. As most of you know the site gives one the opportunity to connect with people, friends, relatives and others you may know or even never have heard of. I looked at my “friends” list and see that I now have 101 friends.

How is that even possible? I’m looking at the list and notice family members first. Both my sister and sister in law, Steve’s wife, are on the list. Steve’s daughter and his two-step sons are there too. There is a first cousin and his wife out in California that have entered my circle and one old friend of my sister’s who has known me since I was around eight or nine years old. She moved to Oak Park with us and graduated from OPHS with my sister.

There are a few friends in Florida, one that has since moved to Pennsylvania, one that I met because she shopped in my store down there, a friend of hers that I met on one of my trips down there since I’ve moved and one that I’ve never met. There’s also a guy that I grew up with in Trenton and a couple others that I knew from Oak Park.

Then there’s a group of folks that I really didn’t hang out with in school but either were friends with my brother David, Steve or just acquaintances from school. There are also a few that live here in the Lansing area that I’ve gotten to know since moving back to the state. There are three women, all sisters, that I met during a very trying time for them and the rest are actually people that I have had interactions with in my youth. Ya know, friends.

I’ve got two “friends” in Australia, one that used to live in Oak Park and was friends with Steve and one that knows me through this blog. I’ve got another that lives in Barcelona. I met and became friends with her in San Diego back in the early 80’s.

I’m looking at this list and it’s pretty remarkable. I think there’s only two or three of these folks that I do not recall having ever met. I didn’t think I knew 100 people let alone had conversations with them on a personal level. The folks on Facebook aren’t the only friends I know either. I’ve got friends that haven’t signed up, folks that I see on a regular basis, people out in California and friends in Florida. It would seem that I’m quite the popular guy. Pretty cool huh?

Happy Anniversary

I should probably be a great deal more depressed than I am right now. Today would have been my 19’Th wedding anniversary. Don’t get me wrong; I most certainly have had a number of different things running around upstairs today, some good, some not so good. This is the third January 19’Th that has passed since Shelly and I split and this one, more than the others, has monopolized my mind all day.

I think Shelly and I kind of knew that the marriage wouldn’t last pretty soon after we got hitched. Nothing horrible happened, I was just very inexperienced in the ways of relationships. I was 29 at the time and Shelly was my first real girlfriend. We dated for around a year and got married in Vegas. Don’t put too much thought into the Vegas thing, we were planning a wedding and realized how much money and hassle it was going to be so we just opted for the easier way. I don’t think either of us regret that.

Shelly had two kids from a previous marriage and we both commented on how easily I adapted to the life change. It didn’t take long before I stopped considering Amanda and Blake stepchildren and called them my own. I know that they both consider me their father and have never made me feel anything less than the real thing. I’ve written before about my walking Amanda down the “aisle” at her wedding. There was never any doubt that that was my job as her Dad.

We had Maegan in August of ’90 and we both really enjoyed that. Shelly had experience with babies and I didn’t but she let me pretty much do whatever I wanted with her. Maegan and I went everywhere together. I even used her as a prop in a speech I had to give at school. It was a speech that had me showing how to do something. I chose to show how to change a diaper. It was pretty cool.

Time passed, our careers went along their ways and life just went on. We really enjoyed each other’s company. We were really great friends. When it came to being a husband however, well, let’s just say I was a great friend. We rarely fought, and when we did I’d usually just let it go and let her have her way per se’. We didn’t really go out much; I was even more uncomfortable then than I am now when it comes to socializing. We did though enjoy each other’s company.

I think we both got real comfortable for a while and before we knew it we had 15 years under our belts and neither of us were very happy with our lots. There was a long period of time there when outsiders thought we were the perfect couple. The kids’ friends always considered us the cool parents and everybody except the two of us thought we’d had the perfect life going on. Well, we didn’t. It happens.

I’m not upset that we were married; I’m not depressed because we got divorced. I miss the friendship we had. We rarely speak anymore. We don’t hate each other. We just have different lives. Shelly was the best friend I ever had and I’ll treasure that for the rest of my life. We tried to stay close after the breakup but it just didn’t work for me and I’m gonna try to put the reason in words.

See, when you’re married or in a relationship for as long as we were you get to know each other remarkably well. You know each other’s quirks, habits and most importantly, at least to me, you know each other’s secrets. Shelly knew me better than anyone ever has. And there, my friends, lays the problem.

It’s a problem because when one gets into a new relationship those secrets, once held so tightly, are now secondary to the new relationship. When something comes up, our relationship would now be used as an example of whatever is going on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s probably pretty normal. I’m just not the kind of guy who can deal too well with that. I’m not saying that Shelly sits there and tells her date all about me. I know she doesn’t. It’s just that the things I thought were just between us are now secondary to the new relationship. Again, I’m not saying that’s wrong, it’s just the way it is.

Like I said earlier we don’t really talk anymore. She called when she heard Steve was sick and I wouldn’t have expected anything less. I still consider her part of my family, a bit estranged, but still part of my family. I know that she would be here in a heartbeat if something happened to me and I hope she knows the same is true for me. I talk to her mother on a regular basis and still call her my mother in law. I still think of her sister as my sister in law and so on and so on. The bottom line is that I’ve lost a really good friend and today is the anniversary of that really good friendship’s beginning. That’s the kind of stuff that’s going through my head today.

Some Things I've Learned

I’ll be 48 next week, and I’ve just been thinking of some of the things I’ve learned over the years. Here are a few, in no particular order.

Noxzema shave cream is the worst. Pure water.

The only thing we have to fear is the guy who thinks you’ve slept with his girlfriend/wife.

Pay attention when given advise, it’s often quite worthwhile.

Try to emulate your dog’s attitude. Odds are, they’ve got it wired.

Stay in school, don’t do drugs, etc… well, stay in school.

Travel as much as you can, you’re gonna blow the money anyway, might as well enjoy it.

Secret and Sure deodorants are the exact same product. Look it up.

When things get too serious, laugh. When they stare at you, laugh louder and walk away.

Find your happy place. Be it, music, humor, movies or whatever, find it. Remember where it is and never forget the directions there.

Treasure friendship. It’s so worth the effort.

Don’t spend so much time trying to please others. Unless you’re an ass, just pleasing yourself will keep them around.

Speaking of being an ass, don’t.

Baseball. That’s all, baseball.

Try to see live comedy on a regular basis. Nothing soothes the savage beast like a hard laugh with friends.

When you learn that someone cares about you, let them know how much it really means to you.

Be true to your ideals, even if you’re the only one that believes in them.

Desane and Aquafina smoke any other kind of bottled water. No contest.

Finally, at least for now, don’t forget that happy place thing.

Coming Home

I have been in a state of constant… amazement is the only word I can think of, when it comes to this whole Facebook thing. I’m talking about the finding and talking and refriending of all these people I knew as a kid. The whole concept just continually makes me catch my breath.

I am just astounded at the whole thing. There have been a number of folks that have posted class pictures from elementary school and seeing these kids in kindergarten and upwards is truly a treat. I didn’t move to Oak Park until I was 11 and I do not have contact with anyone from my early years.

The thing that really blows my mind is seeing a picture of someone that I’ve reacquainted myself with and right next to them, in the same class picture while they were maybe six or seven years old, is someone else that I’m friends with again too.

I feel a bit of jealousy when seeing those kinds of photos. I’m jealous because these people have not only grown up together but some have stayed in contact for their entire lives. I have one friend that’s been in a few posts that I have stayed in touch with and I know he and I both know how much we appreciate that. Even that relationship didn’t start until I was 12. Don’t think I’m downplaying that friendship at all. I’m very proud to call him my best friend.

The thing is, most of these people I’m talking about have stayed in the same area that they grew up in and stayed in a circle of friends that they’ve known throughout their entire lives. There must be quite a comfort in that. I’m sure some have doubts about whether or not they should have moved away or if they had and moved back, if that was the right move or not. The thing is, even if they had moved away and returned they went right back into that circle of friends they had known for as long as they could remember. I’m in the process of pushing my way back into that circle too.

Something that never leaves my thoughts during this coming home experience are the odds of it happening at all. I moved to California in 1980 and didn’t return until July 2007. During that time I made friends, got married, had kids and got divorced. No different than most people. The friends I made out west are friends I enjoyed having. There was only one that I’ve stayed in contact with over the years.

During those years away I thought of my youth, again, like most have. I would have a name pop into my head and wonder the proverbial, “whatever happened to” thing. I’m sure, whether or not people want to admit it, my name popped into a few noggins too. The thing is, not in a million years did I ever think I’d ever see let alone become part of the lives of this group of people I first started knowing at age 11 again. I know, it’s just me, but it truly leaves me speechless.

I don’t mean to get too deep here but becoming part of this “group” again is filling a hole in my life that I’ve felt has been there for years. It’s a void that, though I was never able to formally identify, has been part of my makeup since I went away all those years ago. Granted, I’m still a mess, but since I’ve been back I don’t feel I’m quite the train wreck I’ve always felt I’ve been. Perfect example: if I had still lived in California or Florida and gotten the news about my brother Steve, I would have had a handful of people to confide in about it. Now, I’ve got what seems like an entire community doing what they can to keep me upright and on the straight and narrow during a very trying time. You want to talk about a comfort level? I’ve never felt anything like it in my life.