There are a couple things Shrink and I talk about that seem to come up on a regular basis. They are my constant feeling of never wanting to offend anyone and my total fear of expectations. The not offending people isn’t about when jokes are being told or busting someone’s nuts over something, I’m talking about seriously doing all I can to not make them feel slighted in any way. I think, in a way, I’m like that to avoid any hint of confrontation, never been a fan of that.
The expectation thing is something a bit different. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I remember as a kid being told how much potential I had in school and I would do everything possible to make people realize they were wrong about it. Why would I do that? I tell ya, it’s one of the great unanswered questions of life. I stopped playing sports as a youth once people started telling me I had some talent at whatever the sport was and telling me how much further I could go with said talent.
I remember, as a kid, making a conscious decision to not drink simply because everyone expected me to join them. Granted, this isn’t a bad thing, but it most certainly has had an effect on my life. I would avoid parties that I was expected to attend, not go out on weekends simply because I was supposed to. I really became rather bratty about it. It became almost an ego thing, if you expected me to do it, well then, it simply wasn’t going to happen, I mean, how dare you think you could know what I was going to do.
The effects this has had on my entire life are far reaching indeed. When one doesn’t obtain the social skills and confidence one normally does as a youth by attending social gatherings, he kind of becomes used to the idea of continuing the trend into adulthood. It gets to the point where I end up convincing myself that I still need to make sure that I still don’t meet the expectations put upon me.
It doesn’t even matter who’s doing the expecting, it could be me, there’s always this little voice or force that’s pushes me away from it. I’ve become more aware of the battle within that goes on when trying to avoid the expected as the years have gone by. I think I’m getting better at not worrying about the expectation and just doing what’s right for me though there are still issues that arise on a daily basis.
Shrink and I talk about all the evenings I go out with friends and how “under pressure” I feel each time. She tells me I can always say no, that I don’t have to go out as often as I do. She’s right, of course. Just because I’m invited somewhere doesn’t mean I have to accept. There is another side to it though. I somehow have this feeling inside that I’ve missed so much as a kid and even most of my adult life that I almost need to accept all these invites. I’m almost afraid of missing all the chances that I foolishly avoided in the past. I actually told shrink that I feel like I’m afraid I just may miss something I might enjoy. Kind of like trying to redo the past.
Of course, along with all this are the normal, everyday conflicts I go through when I do anything. The anxiety builds and I do what I can to fight it off. Then there’s the whole expectation thing. I work on that everyday. It’s tough convincing myself that just because someone expects something from me doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. I’m just so crazy that I actually try to analyze each “expectation” to see if it’s worth the inner battle to try to get over or simply fall back to old ways and avoid it completely.
Once again, an essay with no clear finish. Of course, why would it be finished, that might meet someone’s expectation of me and why would I ever want that.
